Episode 72

How’s things guys? Good weather back hame and the holidays in sight, what mair kin yi ask for? Job security, be able to buy a hoose? Calm doon, sun and heat disnae cure everything! Well the weather here’s been mixed again this week with showers most days and the maximum temperature aboot 22/23C and the minimum 12/13C. Absolutely beautiful morning today with clear blue skies and bright sunshine. Sitting in ma PJs at 8 am on the morning of Saturday 6 June (11 pm Friday back home) doing ma routine. Some nice e-mail this week so thanks again to ma regular correspondents. The IT gods are moaning at me so ah’m going to cull ma Ozblog groups this week by removing people who ah think huv passed away or who are no longer interested in receiving ma weekly ramblings.

Before ah move on to the nonsense ah huv to mention that ah was devastated to find oot this week that the wife of ma auld mucker at work, David Dey (in Transport Scotland), had died. Heather was only 41 and leaves two young teenagers and Dave of course. Ah really cannae begin to imagine what he is going through at the moment but ah really feel so bad aboot it. Ah know this is read in ma old work and ah’ve already passed ma thoughts to Willie Grant.

As ah predicted ah was pretty much left on ma own last Saturday 30 May morning. So ah decided to take control of the food shopping. Goat masel organised wi a wee list and ma hessian shopping bags and headed off solo to North Lakes. Goat there, oot the car and was marching towards the shops when it dawned oan me that ah might need some money ti buy awe the stuff oan the list. Yep, ah thought, that would be handy but ah’d left ma cashline card in the hoose! Nae f***ing use there is it? So ah reversed back ti the car and headed back home foodless. A wee bit pissed off so ah decided just to go to the local shops for ma stuff. Wisnae really needing much so it wisnae a big deal.

Next activity was with Nikki who had this green infection in her thumb so Liz and her headed to the doctor’s in case it was a spider bite. Only a nail infection so no big drama there. Straight after that the three of us plus Nikki’s pal Jess headed to Redcliffe and the BPL game between Peninsula Power and Taringa Rovers. Earlier KO this week with it starting at 5 pm. A bit cool there but ah goat masel up onto their balcony and headed for the beer establishment. Asked the pleasant wee wifey behind the bar for a Stella Artois and she pointed oot that they didnae sell wine!? Didnae really have the heart ti tell her so ah just settled for a XXXX Gold. Went down later on ti speak to some of the auld Taringa crowd and was tapped on the shoulder and greeted by: “Di they let you folk fi Nitten in anywhere!”. Turned roond to see Alan Prentice’s brother Doug who was at the game doing his referee’s supervisors bit. If you remember he refereed Junior back home at aboot the same time as ah played. Had a wee blether later at the end of the game before we set off home. Oh aye, the game. Well Peninsula were the better team with Taringa looking like a team lacking in confidence. A mixture of bad defensive errors and general slackness ended with a 4 - 1 defeat for Taringa.

The four of us goat hame and the BBQ was kindled up. The girls (and me) then had a drink before they headed for the Chin’s karaoke night. Ah stayed up to watch the first half of the Chelsea game (whilst flicking over to the Rangers game every now and again) but gave up at half time and headed to bed. Chelsea and Rangers of course going on to win their national cups. Up early on Sunday morning to phone the club and wish the youngest Isobel twin a happy birthday. As usual the Star’s club was noisy so we struggled to hear each other but ah enjoyed ma wee early morning blether with everyone. Even goat Groats who almost spoke some sense which is a remarkable feat for him at 11 pm on a Saturday night! Later Liz and me headed for Redcliffe for a pleasant walk in the sunshine and to take in the sea air followed by a quiet end to the weekend.

The working week started slowly but livened up with the State of Origin rugby league game. Forgot to tell you it was aboot ti start again. To remind you, it’s between a select team fi Queensland v one from New South Wales who are best of enemies. Queensland are going for a record four in a row having won it for the last 3 years. They usually play three games and alternate the ‘two at home, one away‘ every year. However this year they are playing one in Brisbane, one in Sydney and one in Melbourne which is neutral. Queensland have a very experienced team whilst NSW have loads of rookies. Anyway the first game was at Melbourne on Wednesday night with the usual hype preceding the game. Game was full of controversy and border line decisions but Queensland ran out comfortable winners 28 - 18. They let NSW come back in the game late on after having a big lead. Nae point in pissing them off that much they dinae turn up to the next two games, is there?

The swine flu paranoia has ratched up over here when really it should be heading the other way. And to tie the rugby game up wi swine flu, the majority of known cases in Australia is actually in the Melbourne area. So everyone is expecting an ‘outbreak’ in Queensland when awe the supporters get back. Watch this space (not)! Nikki went on her RSA courses on Thursday and Amy returned to the fold. They are actually at Terri’s (Liz’s English pal) this weekend dog-sitting while they are away for the long weekend. Ken what ah’d dae wi thum!

Also goat three tickets for the Brisbane Roar v Celtic game for me, Nikki and Robert (Liz’s sister Jane’s partner who is over in July). Goat into the Ticketek sales office and startled the wumin by asking for three tickets as far away from the Celtic support as possible. And one to continue the smile on the huns’ faces; the game will be played on 12 July with the Roar unveiling their new orange strip and playing Craig Moore, Charlie Miller and new signing Bob Malcolm! Should be an interesting game with the Celtic support being allocated the whole of the Milton Road end of Suncorp and the area being called the Jungle end on the Ticketek web-site.

Thought ah would tell about a couple of snippet stories that were in the free mX during the week. Ah’m pretty sure they were done with the journalist knowing exactly how the headlines could be interpreted. First up we have “Dick sticks up for gays” which was aboot Dick Cheney former US vice-president, who’s youngest daughter is gay, saying he supported same-sex marriages. No much more you can say aboot that one without getting the jail! The second one “Cancer study on the ball” was aboot researchers who claimed to have discovered inherited genetical factors that raise the risk of testicular cancer. Total bollocks!

My auld story telling has struck some interest with the odd suggestion already about ones to recount. So this week ah huv diverted to an auld family story. Many moons ago the Russell’s (maw, paw and the weans) were awe packed intae a bus in Livingston and headed for a party in Bathgate. Cannae actually remember what one but ah think it was ma brother Colin’s engagement party. Anyway a wonderful night was had by one and all and we duly goat dropped off at the road end to make oor way back ti ma mum’s hoose. There were quite a few of us because we were going to dae the usual routine of getting the kettle oan and the toast gawn (as one does after a few gallons of beer). So we were awe spread oot in this grassed area that was between the road and the hoose as we weaved our merry way. Now ti let yi know the distance was only aboot 200 yards but it took forever ti get ti the hoose. In fact it took that long ma dad decided he needed a pee behind one of the trees on the way. Well ti let yi know these trees wer’nae very big so there really wisnae much point gawn behind one because they wer’nae goanae hide anything! Anyway ma mum was having none of it and she told him no to be so f***ing silly and wait till he got ti the hoose. Ma dad duly obliged on fear of death.

Ah goat in first and goat the lights oan plus kettle as the rest wandered in instalments behind me. Ma mum was aboot last because she had taken control of ma dad. So when she goat in she fired him into the wee toilet at the bottom of the stairs and shut the door so naebody could see what he wis up ti. So we were awe in the kitchen, living room and anywhere else daeing what yi dae when we realised that there was a lot of moaning and groaning coming oot of the bottom toilet. Of course ma mum heard it and wondered what the f*** he was up ti now. So she stormed to the toilet and burst open the door. There wis ma faither standing in all his glory and squealing like a pig. Ah looked up at the door jamb and realised that when ma mum had slammed the door on him she had trapped his wee finger in the door! So he hud been standing there peeing wi his finger trapped in a shut door! Nae wonder the auld bugger wis moaning; he had every right to. Of course by then the blood wis running doon the door but ma mum wis jist telling him to shut up (nae sympathy whatsoever!). And of course the moral of the story? Correct, don’t f*** wi ma mum!

So we now arrive at yesterday, Friday 5 June. Funny week at work with the Premier rejecting our 5-year roads program due to the level of financial over commitment in it. We are also moving back to the 24th floor so most of Friday was dedicated to packing up. Met Liz at Central station aboot 3.30 pm and wandered back doon to Queen Street mall for a refreshment (as one does). Made our way doon the mall and then along George Street to the Tin. It wis quiet for a change. Then headed for Caxton street for a bite to eat and few more refreshments before back to Roma Street station and the train hame. This was followed by a taxi ti the Chin to finish the night. Nikki and her pals were there and the band was the two guys with guitars who are quite good. Then home for a bite to eat, DVD and bed.

So, today? Not much planned really but off tonight to watch Pine Rivers play at home against Souths Utd with a 7 pm KO. The two teams from up here Pine Rivers and North Pine as well as Taringa Rovers are all vying for second last spot. Like last year Michelton are firmly anchored at the bottom. They didn’t get relegated because a few of the teams in the league changed meaning that no -one got relegated but mair teams get promoted. Kindae like what used to happen in the auld Edinburgh/Lothian amateur leagues back hame. So what ah’m trying to say is that even if your bottom this year you still might not get relegated. This is the long weekend here with the Queen’s birthday being on Monday. How many f***ing birthdays dis that wumin huv? Ah um hoping the rest of the weekend falls into place but ah’m pretty sure it will. Special Nitten Gala Day edition issue next week and ah huv hud it confirmed that the Star’s club will be open this year for the thirsty Russells. Yahoo! Anyway all good things come to an end and this Ozblog is’nae any different. So TTFN.

Ask Ozzy: John Morgan wrote saying he knows it’s winter but there has been no mention of ma escapades at cricket recently. He adds that he’s hoping ah’ve no retired because he was looking forward to seeing me play when he comes over at Xmas. It’s fair point and ah’m surprised nobody else has asked aboot ma cricketing career. Well ah was pencilled in ti play in the local winter league but the connection there was Jamie. However with him and Nikki only being ‘friends’ now that put paid to that plan. So ah suppose the answer to your question Mr Morgan is that ah’m no really sure if ah will be playing cricket when you visit us. However ah’m sure ah can arrange an exhibition match for yi and get you kitted up as well. Now that’ll be worth watching cause mind the last time ah got yi kitted up ti play fitba? Exactly!

Guess who ah saw this week?: Carol Barnes, News at Ten. Mind oh her? Well she was on ma train one morning along wi a couple of other folk who ah huv totally forgot aboot! F***ing useless!

Philosopher’s corner: Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.

Fact of the week: Babies are born without kneecaps.

Parting thought for the week: Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Yours in recovery mode

Beer Guzzler

Episode 71

Well we arrive at the end of the week once again. Ah actually think aboot it as the middle of the week though because that means you’ve no goat as long to wait from the beginning of the week until the weekend. Try it, you’ll be awe right. So what you all been up ti? Ah know aboot some of yi thanks to the welcomed e-mails. For example ah found oot this week that big Davy (the Hun) Clark is still alive although he wis a wee bit dodgy last weekend thanks to fitba results! The rest of yi though? Well ah’ll assume all is well but fitba-less. In case you are awe worried aboot him, ah got word that wee Andrew is out of hospital (with a bit of a scar) and has already insisted on going back to school so that’s a good sign. And Stephen (ma neighbour) is keeping a low profile although he was seen late on last Friday heading to Dominoes for a pizza he wisnae wanting.

Today finds me in ma PJs at the laptop at aboot 9 am on Saturday 30 May (midnight Friday/Saturday back home). Weather is pleasant but must only be aboot 18C. Winter on Monday though! The list is long and as ah look at it ah feel like ah’m writing ma life story and reflections for some Sunday morning magazine. Need ti huv ah word wi masel. Anyway must plough on.

As ah predicted, last Saturday started slowly as we licked our alcoholic wounds from the night before. Amy of course was lying in because she had a late night because of her bar job. We gradually came together late mid afternoon but our activity didn’t really increase. However we no sooner got our act together when Amy needed to get ready for her Saturday night shift and Nikki and I got ready for the local Brisbane Premier League game. Totally blew the information ah gave you last week because ah skipped a week on the fixture list and gave you today’s game! So we headed off to Kallangur Village about 6 pm for the 7 pm KO between North Pine and Brisbane City. We dropped Amy off at Petrie railway station and picked one of Nikki’s pals Jess up on the way. Jess had never been to a game soccer (as they and the Americans call it!) so was a bit lost about the rules and the like. Anyway she did pick up quite quickly on the fact you could drink alcohol and watch the game. Nikki joined her as the auld yin was driving. Ah actually drove up late afternoon to check if the game was on because of the amount of rain we had had recently and was surprised to find out it was. This was backed up by the fact there was quite a bit water obvious on the pitch as the game got underway. City were by far the better side in the first half and deserved to be 2 - 0 up at half time. There were further heavy showers that got the modest but brave crowd scurrying for shelter. Rivers came more into the game in the second half and were unlucky not to at least score but ran out losing 2 - 0.

We headed home but of course the young team were fuelled up and asked to get dropped off at the Chin to finish the night off. So ah got home just after 9 pm and Liz made a bite to eat as we settled down for the Inverness CT v Falkirk game. Well Falkirk proved me wrong and consigned ICT to Division 1 next season. Had ma usual blether via Skype with the family about 10.30 pm. Not much UK football after the early SPL games but there was a decent German league game on Setanta. The Nitten Star twitter burst into life much to ma delight but ah’m afraid tiredness prevailed and ah headed for bed not long after midnight.

So that brings me to the Star and their season that has just ended. Last game away to Arniston Rangers ended up in a 3 - 0 win but as predicted it was not enough to overcome Musselburgh as they beat Dundee North End 5 - 0 to win the league on goal difference (Star 51 points, goal difference +37; Musselburgh 51, +40). Not to worry, promotion was the main target this season and that had already been achieved. Yep, ah know, it’s disappointing when you get so close but yet so far but that’s fitba for yi! Congratulations are due to the coaching staff, players, committee and of course the supporters who have all pulled together to make it our best season for some time. Add the League Cup win and ‘what might have been’ in the Scottish Cup and we have done remarkably well with the limited resources we have at our disposal. Yep, we could moan about this, that and the next thing but the more honest and realistic amongst will accept and appreciate what we have achieved this season. So what aboot next year? Well it looks like Tayport and possibly Bathgate are going to be relegated but there are about another 6 teams still in the mix. This shows a league with absolutely nothing between the teams and Nitten will need to pull out that wee bit extra to float above the rest. Can they do it? Well let’s wait and see; they no doubt have the ability but can they keep that extra level of performance that is necessary going week in, week out? Let’s hope so.

On Sunday Nikki and Amy headed off for the Dreamworld theme park on the Gold Coast for the day. That of course left me and the auld yin to kick our heals because the car goes with them doesn’t it? Anyway we made do and decided to go for a walk to renew our memberships at the North Leagues club and grab the Sunday paper. We even managed to dodge the various rain showers that occurred off and on during the day. The last of the SPL & EPL games were played on Sunday but with work the next day ah decided to give them a bye. Of course ah woke on Monday to find that the rest of my predictions came true. Rangers won the league, Hearts drew away to Celtic and Newcastle & Middlesbrough were relegated. So only Falkirk mucked me up.

A lot cooler this week with it being about 12C at night and 22C during the day. As ah said earlier, it will be winter soon so we cannae really complain. Leigh’s pal Amy left on Tuesday to visit friends in Townsville for a few days. Ah thinks she’s away for about 8 days before she returns to fill the lodger gap between then and Liz’s sister Jane’s arrival at the end of June. Flushed with our successful return to the cinema last week, we (the three of us this time) went again this Tuesday to watch the new ‘Star Trek’ film. Once again a brilliant film with excellent special effects. And of course the big Champions League final between Man Utd and Barcelona went ahead in Rome on Wednesday night. Nikki was up for the 4.45 am KO and went to her bed before the end. Barcelona of course running out comfortable 2 - 0 winners. Ah well, could have been worse for Man U fans, they could be Newcastle supporters! And ah huv had it confirmed scientifically that much is being made unnecessarily about the latest swine flu outbreak. Don’t get me started!

One thing ah do miss about being back home is telling ma auld Nitten Star stories. So ah thought, well why don’t ah include them in the Ozblog? Why not indeed. Actually ah’m no really sure the reason this came to mind except something happened that reminded me of ma Mervyn Jones story. Mervyn played for Hibs (but ah didnae hud that against him) and was John Greig’s nephew. He played right back when ah played left back. Mervyn was an average trainer but shite when it came to the end of training game. However come Saturday he played his heart out. The story took place in the auld clubrooms after a hard home game when he had been there a year or two. He was approached by an auld supporter who asked if he could have a word wi him. Mervyn of course said it was nae problem. So the guy says: “Mervyn, ah think you’re a great player for Nitten and give you’re all every week. It’s jist that every year yi get that wee bit slower. That’s nae problem son but the only thing is this season yir playing like it’s next season!”. Well ah met Mervyn a few years after that when ah wis helping Alan O’Connor at Easthouses Lily and he was manager of Vale of Leithen and the first thing he reminded me aboot was that story. Obviously stuck in his mind big time!

So on to Friday 29 May and last night events. Took our new memberships to the Leagues club and got there to find it was very busy indeed. Not really sure why but we ended up a fair bit away from the band/dancers. Up amongst the folk having a nosebag actually. Dance floor foo awe night with almost sensible folk! So there yi go. We eventually headed for the Chin which was equally busy but with a few dodgy types. Actually ended up a great night with a good band. Ah think the difference between the two (the Leagues club and the Chin) is that the Chin is prepared to pay the $s for a decent band. Me and Liz headed home aboot midnight leaving Nikki with her team. A bite to eat followed by a Harry Potter DVD ended the evening.

Liz and Nikki must have goat ti bed late so again ah don’t expect any company for a few hours. Why don’t yi get yirsel ower for a cup of tea? Too far? That’s a pish excuse is it no? We’re heading to Redcliffe tonight to watch Peninsula Power play Taringa Rovers in the Brisbane Premier League with a 5 pm KO. Honest ah’ve goat it right this week! Don’t worry awe you Nitten folk wi nae fitba ti follow, ah’ll keep you up ti date wi the local Brisbane leagues. For example Taringa, North Pine and Pine Rivers are all in the drop zone so there will be a few twitchy bums between now and the end of the season. Hoping to last for the English (and Scottish) cup finals on the TV but we’ll see. Ah’m also hoping to get up early on Sunday morning to say happy 60th birthday to one of the Isobel twins who’s having her doo in the Star club (where else?). What ah cannae understand is how the twins are different ages. Funny that, eh?

Anyway, the rest of the weekend is unplanned but ah’m sure we will get up ti something worthwhile. Next week Nikki is off to attend her RSA (responsible service of alcohol) course which should guarantee her a local pub job to at least get her started. Liz continues her housewife bit but hopes to get a wee local shop job after her sister has visited. At work we send our 5-year program off to the printers. The efforts some of the guys at work have gone to get this publication perfect is above and beyond the call of duty by the way. Very inefficient the way they go aboot it, but who um ah?

Well there’s nothing more left but to take your leave and fill in ma parting shots below. If yi can’t be good, be careful!

Ask Ozzy: What is ‘woop woop’? Ah’ve been asked this question by Stevie Lawson (Alan Prentice’s mate) who stays down the south side of Brisbane (where they awe huv two heids or so ah’m reliably informed). It’s actually an Australian expression and ah suspect he thought ah would be clueless aboot it. Well ah actually had come across it before and it means the back of beyond, the middle of nowhere and the like. Sort of like the sticks or boondocks (boonies) back home. Ah think the Aussie version is an Aboriginal word meaning a remote outback town or area. Happy now Stevie?

Philosopher’s Corner: Never under estimate people’s stupidity.

Fact of the week: A snail can sleep for three years.

Parting thought for the week: If you were in love wi two schoolbags wid yi be bi-satchel?

Yours in computer seat

Ivor Bigbotty

Episode 70

Well it’s that time once again. How’s life been treating you guys this week? Weather here’s been a bit wet this week and in fact it’s raining as ah type and only aboot 16C. Yep, a know what your thinking, wish it was raining and 16C where you are! Anyway ah’m up far too early again and the ‘average time’ ah’ll be daein ma Ozblog will be 8 am (11 pm Friday back hame) on the morning of Saturday 23 May. Ah’m sitting here in ma shorts and Ian Lamb’s Nitten Star top (as one does) doing the necessary. Really sorry to hear aboot ma auld cousin’s grandson Andrew being mauled by a dug that appeared in his gairden while he was playing with his brothers. Hope everything turns oot awe right and the permanent damage isn’t too bad. Thanks to the people who continue to send e-mails telling me about their own latest adventure (you know who you are!). As for us well ah suppose ah really huv nothing much of note this week but there is a lot to get through so ah hud better make a start.

As predicted last Saturday 16 May the rest of the team started to appear in instalments. Liz and I headed off to North Lakes about mid-day for our routine food shopping expedition. Arrived home and had a leisurely day reading the papers and watching sport on the TV. Nikki and Amy headed for Bribie Island to take in the autumn sun, sea and sand. Brought most of it home because as they shuffled aboot the hoose getting ready for their Saturday night oot there were big piles of sand everywhere! We had a small BBQ which got stopped prematurely when the gas bottle ran oot. Remember lifting it the previous weekend and thinking ah really need to replace that soon and then duly forgot awe aboot it. Anyway oven and cooker came to ma rescue so we didnae go hungry. The girls were having their pre-night oot drinks in the hoose so ah decided to join in and gie the local live fitba game a bye for the week. Ah was going on ma own anyway and wouldn’t be able to drink because ah would be driving. No that keen really. Anyway North Pine lost 4 - 0 to Capalaba so they would have just been greeting aboot the game.

The girls eventually left for greater things and Liz went to bed leaving me to finish a fridge full of cider on ma own. First up live on the TV was the Rangers v Aberdeen game followed hot on its heals by Man U v Arsenal. Ma night was intervened by what is quickly becoming ma weekly Skype session with the Russell family headed up by ma mum. Was on for quite a while so missed most of the games but who cares. Then was left on ma own for the afternoon (back home) games. Watched Newcastle (how pish are they by the way?) v Fulham whilst listening to Hearts v Dundee Uted commentary and watching the scores on Sky internet. Ciders were going down well aided by what seemed a good performance by Hearts as they went on to win 3 - 0 and secure 3rd place and a European place next season. And of course no Nitten game so ah was twitterless. Lasted till about 2 am then went to bed.

Up early on Sunday with the usual routine followed by a trip for a gas bottle, Sunday paper and a few other odds and ends. Liz and I then decided to go for a wee run up the Sunshine Coast Hinterland and a visit to Maleny and Montville. These are really smart wee villages with lots of arty-farty, hippy/veggy types living there plus people who have plenty of money. Noticed one 4 x 4 up there that had a notice in their car window that said ‘Filthy, dirty rich. Two out of three ain’t bad!’. Anyway got back late afternoon for our Sunday lunch. You would be really proud of us with all four of us sitting at the table at the same time. Anyway the rest of evening was spent just lazing around before off to bed early again for the start of the working week.

The week started with a bang when ah got news that Torquay Utd had won their promotion play-off final against Cambridge Utd at Wembley on Sunday afternoon. So they now move from the Blue Square Premier back into the English leagues proper. Yahoo! Turning into a grand fitba season for me is it not? The weather has been a bit indifferent this week with a fair bit rain but still quite mild with the temperatures aboot 23 to 25C. Amy has got herself a wee bar job to keep her in dollars so she’s been working in Brisbane off and on this week. Liz and I went to Strathpine cinema to watch “Angels & Demons” on Tuesday night. Really good film and worth a trip to watch it. It’s absolutely amazing the special effects that films have nowadays. This week saw the last of the Asian Champions League qualifying round games being played with Central Coast Mariners losing at home 1 - 0 to some shitty Chinese team and ending up bottom of their league. Newcastle Jets needed one point and won 1 - 0 away from home against a shitty South Korean team in a pretty poor excuse for a game of football. However, they now move on to the knock-oot stages which is aboot right because ah can guarantee you that is exactly what will happen to them! Also was confirmed that Celtic are coming to town to play the Roar on 12 July in a pre-season friendly at Suncorp. Got ma Hearts strip ironed and ready ti go!

Remarkable news on the swine flu pandemic front this week. Apparently the amount of cases worldwide surged (that’s the word the papers used) past 10,000. Adding that the number of deaths stands at 80. Well ah looked up the Oxford dictionary and it describes the word pandemic as “an outbreak of a disease prevalent over a whole country or large part of the world”. Well ah’m no sure what the current population of the world is but ah’m f***ing sure this outbreak doesn’t match that description. In fact ah’m sure if the world outbreak numbers had happened in Midlothian it couldnae be described as a pandemic. So where’s that arsehole from the WHO who predicted a third of the world would be affected eventually. Probably oot in a plane somewhere spraying the virus ower folk! F***ing erseholes!

Anyway meanwhile back at Friday 22 May. Well finished work as usual aboot 4.15 pm and headed for home. Mince and tatties for dinner (cannae beat it wi a stick!) followed by a small Stella Artois. Joined by our next door neighbour Stephen (the one who told us to steal his brother’s BBQ a few weeks back and who had also been on the piss) with his small bundle of XXXX gold tinnies. Anyway it seems that he had had his troubles this week with work and his ex so he was letting off steam (as yi dae of course). We eventually got our act together aboot 8 pm and headed for the North Leagues club. It was actually quite busy with a decent band and loads of dancers. We stayed for a bit before heading off for the Chin. At this point we dislocated ourselves from Stephen for one reason or another and ah still um no sure what happened to him. However ah��m sure we haven’t heard the end of that story and ah will report the conclusion of the ‘stephen story’ next week. At a guess ah would say he got a wumin and eventually got hame, had a fight wi his brother and his ex before setting fire ti his car. Sounds OK to you? Put a fiver on it by the way! Meanwhile back at the Chin. That was busy as well and we goat ourselves talking to quite a few folk as we listened to the one man band. No bad atmosphere for a change but ah ran oot of steam (getting auld) and we goat home aboot midnight (minus Nikki and Amy working by the way). Goat in, Liz made a snack, ah connected up the UK DVD player and went to bed (in that order).

So where do we go from here. Well wi the weather being the way it is and last night’s events ah can imagine it will be a slow, uneventful day. Sportswise most of the end of the season stuff happens tomorrow so ah think, other than a bottom six SPL game, it will only be a twitterless Nitten Star game to follow tonight. They play Arniston Rangers away at the same time Musselburgh play Dundee North end at home. We live in hope! We were planning to go down to Redcliffe to watch Peninsula Power play Taringa Rovers in the BPL with a 7 pm KO but with the amount of rain we have had ah’m pretty sure that game will be off already.

Anyway it’s sticking ma neck on the block time with respect to the conclusion of the SPL and EPL. Ah think Rangers will win the league and Falkirk will get relegated. Hearts are away to Celtic on Sunday 24 May and ah fancy a draw in that game. Falkirk away to Inverness Coloured Textiles and you have to fancy ICT there. EPL already decided with Man U taking the honours at the top. However doon the bottom is awfi complicated is it not. West Brom have already gone so which two of the other four go with them? Had a look and rather than relay ma thoughts ah’ll just sum up and say that Middlebro’ and Newcastle are doomed to the fiery bowels of hell that is the Championship.

Anyway ah’ll leave the rest of the weekend and next week till the next instalment of life down under so ah’ll now leave you to your long weekend. Mind and make the most of it. Catch you next week.

Ask Ozzy: Have you given any thought to changing the format of your ‘blog’? Well funny yi should ask that. Yep ah huv been thinking that some of the stuff is a wee bit the same each week but ah’m also conscious that there are people who like to hear what we’re up to. Anyway ah huv decided after this week to make some of my routine reporting more reflective rather than just the bland facts. Of course wi me that can be ��reflective sensible’ or ‘reflective stupid’. Feel free to provide feedback or suggestions though; ah’m always prepared to listen to constructive criticism.

Guess who ah saw this week?: I still see a few folk who look like people back hame but can’t remember their names. Quite annoying but understandable really because ah forget the names of people ah’ve known for ages! Anyway ah don’t report these people because there’s no point of me reporting the likes of the following description of a wumin ah see quite often on the train in the morning. She’s quite big and used to work in Easthouses Minors Club when ah went there in the early nineties. She used to go aboot wi Gus Armour and her hibee dad still sits wi Wullie Armour in the Dean on Friday nights. Now who the f***s gonnae work oot who she is, eh? Correct, ah’ll no bother troubling you wi any of these type of descriptions of look-alikes again!

Philosopher’s Corner (improvised): Why is change inevitable? Why do all good things come to an end? What happened to Stephen?

Fact of the week: A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Parting thought for the week: If your afraid of lapels does that mean you’ve got cholera?

Yours in Nitten Star strip

Star Blue

Episode 69

How’s things peeps? Saturday morning 16 May at 9 am (midnight Friday/Saturday back home) as ah sit here in ma kennel doing ma weekly stint. Have to say it’s absolutely gorgeous out there this morning if a bit nippy. Been aboot 11/12C most night this week. Funny how only being here a year and a half but starting to feel these kind of nights as cold already. Peter and Mary Thomson told me that would happen. But at that temperature back home we would be getting the moon tan lotion on and having a barby! Anyway it’s the end of a quiet week with mostly routine stuff to tell you so switch of now the thrill seekers. For those of you still here ah hud better start then.

 Well as predicted last Saturday 9 May started slowly. I was eventually joined by some of the team and Liz and I headed off food shopping just before noon. Went to Lawnton for fruit and veg then back to North Lakes shopping centre to finish the deed off. We arrived back early afternoon and unloaded our purchases before having a lazy day at home. We eventually got our act together about 6 pm and the four of us headed for Bray Park where Pine Rivers were playing North Pine in the BPL with a 7 pm KO. Again a decent crowd and a pleasant night. Liz and I had a small refreshment and made our re-acquaintances with the Scottish folk. Game was an evenly fought affair with Pine Rivers breaking the deadlock with a cracking edge of box drive into the top corner of the net mid-way through the first half. The score stayed like that until the last minute when North Pine equalised to steal a point. A few disappointed home fans at the 1 - 1 score line but that’s fitba for yi. We finished our drinks and headed home about 9 pm.

 Got home just in time for the Rangers v Celtic game. I settled down for that one as Nikki and Amy headed for the Chin to see how the other half live. My live fitba was interrupted by a lengthy Skype session with ma mum and a big chunk of the Russell clan. Also had a session with Liz’s sister Jane so only caught the tail end of the Glasgow derby. Ah started to catch the fitba scores and the live EPL game but had a relapse and headed for bed just after midnight. Up early on Sunday and the usual routine was enacted. Found out that the Star had a good 5 - 0 away win at Dundee North End to keep our slender league hopes alive. Caught up with other scores before settling down to a paper reading, internet surfing and TV watching end to the weekend.

 The working week started quietly but was interrupted on Monday and Thursday afternoon as me, Liz and Nikki went for our medicals for our application for permanent citizenship. Yep, decided to bite the bullet and ask Main Roads if they were prepared to sponsor me for my citizenship application. If fact they went one better and offered to pay for it as well! Only a year and a half into my 4 year temporary visa but thought why not go for it now. Anyway this stuff all takes time so it will probably be quite a few months before we finally find out whether they want to keep us. Better keeping ma options open don’t you think?

 So what else of note? Well Hearts went to Aberdeen on Tuesday night and came home with a point. Seemed to be backs to the wall after they went down to 10 men on the hour mark. European football almost guaranteed next season. Swine flu still seems to be bumping along with somebody in the World Health Organisation (WHO) still predicting a third of the world will be infected eventually. What f***ing planet do these guys come from? Well ah’ve no got a medical qualification ti speak aboot (but ah did gie a wumin the kiss of life in the Top Club in Nitten one night!) and ah confidently predict he is talking a lot of shite. Press your voting buttons now! Also read aboot a wee man in Taiwan who went for a pee and goat his willy bit by a rat snake. No sure what was mair embarrassing for him, having his willy bit or having his injuries described as minor. Anyway Nikki and Amy are still searching away for jobs with no success but at least Amy has had the odd interview courtesy of a qualification she has gained that entitles her to work behind a bar. Also been keeping an eye on Twitter joining the likes of Groats and Davy McIntosh (who are on Nitten Star twitter) as well as one of the guys who’s up at the Hubble satellite at the moment. Unbelievable that you can keep up to date with these kind of guys up there in the middle of no-where!

 Great news as well about the Star beating Arniston Rangers 3 - 1 on Wednesday in the league. We and Musselburgh now have only one game left, both have 48 points and they are +35 and we are +34. Disnae get much closer. Their last game is against Dundee North End (currently last in the league and already relegated) and we have Arniston again (currently 5th in the league). Have to say is looks difficult but you never know!

 The season ticket sales have started here for the A League teams. It appears that the Roar have upped their prices considerably in the misguided thought that it will help pull them out of their financial crisis. So basically all they are going to do if encourage folk to get Gold Coast Utd season tickets instead. Ah can never understand the thinking behind this kind of cost increase decision making. The basic laws of economics tells you that you reduce your prices and sell more hence making a bigger overall profit that way. You don’t piss people off and send them elsewhere with their hard end cash by charging them more to try and make a buck. What the f*** are they thinking aboot? However we’ll will keep going because the prices are still cheap compared to back home.

 So that brings us to last night Friday 15 May and the beginning of the weekend. Normal working day but at night me and Liz met up at Central station for a small refreshment before heading to the Taringa Rovers cricket team end of season presentation dinner. Got there via a train full of folk going to the Broncos v Gold Coast Titans NRL game at Suncorp (Broncos won by the way). Night started with another small refreshment as we stood on the balcony making our re-acquaintances with the team and watching the U14s play at fitba. Good night with pleasant meal finished by the presentation of medals and a speaker from the Queensland Bulls cricket team. Rest of the night was spent bevying and blethering with whoever was prepared to listen to the ramblings of half-drunk Scottish folk. Nikki came to pick us up later on and escort us home. Got home quite late but at least we were safe.

 Up as usual on ma own this morning but in any case expecting a quiet rest of weekend. Probably cool out today and tonight might head for the Pine Rivers v Capalaba BSL game at Bray Park with a 7 pm KO. Nikki and Amy are otherwise engaged tonight so it would only be me and Liz in any case. That would mean me driving, nae drink etc. However later on expecting family and friends Skype sessions followed by live fitba on the TV/internet. Nae Nitten Star today but Hearts have a European qualifying game at home to Dundee Uted in the league at 3 pm. Draw would be enough but we’ll see what happens. Good news about Csaba (Hearts manager) winning the various manager of the year awards. Probably deserves it daein what he has done with the various obstacles that have been put in his way at Tynecastle.

 We’ll see what happens the rest of the weekend and report next week on events. Next week we have one of two things to attend to and the last Asian qualifying games are on. To remind you, Central Coast Mariners (finished 4th in the league) are just fulfilling their obligations because there are already oot but Newcastle Jets (finished last in the league) need only a draw (ah think) and they are through to the knock-out stages. Anyway ah’ve come to end of ma haverings so ah’ll take your leave. Until next time.

 Ask Ozzy: If you become a permanent citizen will we never see you again? Naw, that’s no what it means. It means that we can stay and work beyond our current temporary visa timescale of four years. It also means we get the same medical care and tax rights etc as Australians. However we still keep our UK citizenship as well as being entitled to an Aussie passport. So no real change to us getting about and generally daein what we want to do. For example, ah could get citizenship and head straight hame for ever the next day!

 Philosopher’s Corner (improvised): I’m just a soul who’s intentions are good; oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

 Fact of the week: A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

 Parting thought for the week: If you were reading a book about the history of glue do you think you would be able to put it down?

 Yours in kennel

 Dogbert

Episode 68

I hope this week’s epistle finds you all in rude health. I am up aboot 8.30 am on Saturday 9 May (11.30 pm Friday back hame) and it’s a beautiful sunny and bright autumn Brisbane morning as ah look over the pateho into the trees beyond. Cooler at nights just now (say about 12 to 14C) but it was about 25 to 27C yesterday and it’s to be the same today. Well what has challenged you all this week? Nothing much? Ach well ah suppose it could be worse. We could all be Penicuik supporters. Anyway there a few things on ma list this week but nothing that’s gonnae win me a literary prize for inventiveness and originality (loads of fitba though). But what the hell, let’s get the show on the road.

 So after ah got the Ozblog away last Saturday 2 May we eventually got our act together and headed to North Lakes shopping centre to build up our essential food stocks for the week. When we got home the rest of the day was spent relaxing and reading the morning paper. Early evening ah goat the BBQ kindled up and we sat outside for our usual Saturday evening meal. Nikki was gawn up to the Chin later oan so she goat a drink for herself and a Stella for me. So that was me started a wee bit early but what the hell. Watched the Broncos and Reds getting humped at rugby plus had a couple of Skype sessions with Ian Lamb and Liz’s sister Jane. That took us neatly onto the early fitba games between Aberdeen v Celtic and Middlesbrough v Man Utd. Also tuned into the Star’s twitter-man and caught his ramblings aboot the game. As an aside, if the twitter-man is reading this why don’t you become ‘followers’ of the 11 people or so who are ‘following’ Nitten Star? The Star did enough to beat Fauldhouse 2 - 0 and with Penicuik losing 4 - 0 all but guaranteed we are in the Super League next year at that stage. I’m sure we will be a match for any team up there but will we manage it week-in week-out? We’ll see soon enough. Ah was watching the senior results coming in but lost enthusiasm after the Nitten game finished and headed for bed aboot 1.30 am.

 Up reasonably early on Sunday and after the usual routine Liz and me headed for Brisbane and the Caxton Street festival. Nae Nikki cause she widnae get oot her scratcher. Quite a decent day with the temperature being aboot 24C with threats of showers being exaggerated. We got there just after midday and it was already busy. Ah drove to Petrie station and decide to lay of the alcohol so ah could drive home. Liz had a few though and also grabbed some seafood which was on sale everywhere. There was a huge crowd and the stages had bands on all the time. Really good atmosphere but as time passed the crowds started to get too much with it being impossible to get a seat anywhere and equally impossible to walk anywhere. And the punters were still pouring in. However we wandered aboot as best we could until the lack of seats and inability to move around made us give up after a couple of hours. Definitely the best plan was to book seats at restaurants and have your food and drink in the one place whilst still taking in the days events. Ah noticed a few people doing this so they obviously had it sussed. Probably would also have been better if we were in with a crowd of people. Anyway we enjoyed it all the same but were home a bit earlier than we had anticipated. We got home late afternoon and had a lazy rest of day.

 I actually ended up in bed early after a Skype session with Leigh, Dale and Mason so even the temptation of the late fitba games and the Monday holiday could not keep me up. So ah missed the Hearts v Rangers game and our 2 - 0 loss. Caught some of the game later and have to confess that there wasn’t much between the teams. Anyway it meant ah was up sharp on ma day off feeling as fresh as a daisy. Really nice early morning, only aboot 17C but cannae grumble though. We were actually paid a visit later in the morning by the owners of our humble abode. They are from Melbourne and had bought it from a photograph of what was going to be built. Brave people! Anyway I showed them round and they looked suitably impressed. About lunch time we drew up stumps and headed for the Gold Coast. This of course allowed Nikki to have a real go at her new wee SatNav. Anyhow it got us to Surfers Paradise without too much grief. Very busy even although it was autumn. We had a wee walk up the windy beach plus a nice bar lunch at one of the Irish pubs in the pedestrian precinct. However what was really weird was that we passed the couple who own our house. So they must have been staying there for the long weekend. We left late afternoon and got home for a lazy evening.

 Back to work on Tuesday 5 May. Liz had one or two glasses of wine that night after we spoke to our Aberdeen friends who are now up at Townsville which is on the NE coast of Queensland. We have arranged to go up there for the Roar game when they play away to North Queensland Fury in September. However Liz’s joy over spilled after that and she made contact with a number of people by a number of means. So now you know why you goat that message yi didnae understand! Asian Champions league ended up with Central Coast losing and getting eliminated and Newcastle winning and having a good chance of qualifying for the next stages. European version ended up with a Man Utd v Barcelona final with Chelsea losing the place big time! The Star played away to Musselburgh in the league on Wednesday night and duly beat them 3 - 2. Great result and they are now definitely promoted with still a slight chance of winning the league.

 Leigh’s pal Amy Stockman duly arrived on Wednesday night. At least this gives Nikki some Scottish company for a while. She is also a Jambo so was up with us early Friday morning 8 May for the Hearts v Hibs game. The KO was 4.45 am Brisbane time. Don’t really know why we bothered because Hearts played poorly in a 1 - 0 loss. However ah hud taken the day off rather than sleep at ma desk. Took the opportunity to sort out a few personal business things but mainly just relaxed until Liz and I goat ready for a wee trip to Brisbane for a night oot. Nikki and Amy had dumped us and were gawn to meet Nikki’s friends for a few drinks in the Irish pub in Strathpine (ah think they still eat their young there). Anyway we caught the 4.10 pm train and stopped first at Central station for a few drinks at the Grand Central hotel. Not as busy as normal even although there was a big rugby league game on at Suncorp between Australia and New Zealand. As an aside, there were actually eight Brisbane Bronco players in the team. We left to head for the Pig & Whistle at Inderpilly aboot 6 pm. Got there and had a nice bar supper as we settled down to watch the rugby. The Aussies won 38 - 10 which was small revenge for the Kiwis beating them in last year’s world cup final.

 In case yi were wondering Willie Grant the band at the P&W were called ‘Red Throat Emperor’. Yep, ah know, funny name for a band but there yi have it. We left about 8.30 pm for the Royal Exchange Hotel to see the night out and the end of the rugby game on their big screens. It was modestly busy with a singer/guitarist duo as the turn. Goat much busier after the rugby finished because it’s quite close to Suncorp. We eventually headed for the 11 pm train and caught a taxi home. Quick snack, look at e-mails and off to bed aboot 1 pm.

 A wee A League update. The Roar have apparently been in financial trouble for some time but their future was safeguarded recently when the Australian FA took over the majority of their shares. So it’s been all change behind the scenes at the Roar. They have also now changed their name to Brisbane Roar in recognition of the other two new Queensland teams in the league. However this all tees up a story this week that one of the commercial background staff has moved on to the Gold Coast with the media calling it 1 - 0 before the season starts. And in steps their girder-gob coach Miron Bleiberg to say that that won’t even be close to the score the first game of the season! This boy’s f***ing brilliant so he is. Oh god, ah wish that game was on this week.

 And the swine flu latest. Apparently this H1N1 strain of flu is not as bad as they first expected. Get away ti f***! Yes, apparently it is no worse that all the other strains of flu we have every year that kill 250,000 people worldwide. Well just tell everyone yi heard all aboot that in the Ozblog ages ago (well only last week actually!). Incidentally yi need to pile through all the hype crap that’s being reported in the media to find that stuff. Very selective with the truth so they are.

 So on to today. Well no sign of movement elsewhere in the building so a late start is predicted. Food shopping is a certainty and probably a lazy day. Amy is trying to get a bit colour aboot her so her and Nikki have been frequenting the pool in the estate and the one at Redcliffe. We are off to the Brisbane Premier League local derby between Pine Rivers and North Pine tonight 7 pm KO. Ah think the four of us are going tonight after a small BBQ. The Star are away to Dundee North End with a 2.30 pm KO. As they still have a chance of the league it will obviously be a game they need to win. Goat a wee feeling that Billy Gunn is holding Musselburgh’s last game up until it’s clear the Star have no chance of the league. But ah didnae say that. Wait a f***ing minute, ah huv said it! Anyway ah think the twitter-man has dumped us in our hour (and a half) of need so ah will need a wee text from some nice person who will be at the game. We will probably be watching Rangers v Celtic on the TV followed by the EPL tonight.

 Next week sport continues with Hearts away to Aberdeen and the Star at home to Arniston Rangers on Wednesday night. Work will involve finalising the words for the published 5 year program but ah’m on the fringes of that stuff (thankfully). The family will no doubt continue with life as normal (whatever that is) with Nikki and Amy both looking for jobs. Well that is just aboot that as they say so ah will take ma leave. Until next week.

 Ask Ozzy: Would you recommend a taxi to get aboot in Brisbane? Well funny you should mention that because there is a bit of a stoushy just now aboot young Asian taxi drivers who don’t even get asked if they have a licence. The one last night asked me to guide him to oor digs. Also when we were in Taringa and goat a taxi home at night from the CBD we quite often goat asked the way. We have also had one who spoke to his wife/burd on the mobile phone all the home and the driver reading a wee book he goat made up that said ‘red’ means stop and ‘green’ means go!? You probably take your life in your own hands with these guys, so stick to fat, middle-aged Aussie drivers if you can.

 Guess who ah saw this week?: Ah still see a few folk ah’ve mentioned before in this slot every now and again and mainly on the morning train. Apart from that no new faces to report.

 Philosopher’s corner: Always put off today what you can do tomorrow.

 Fact of the week: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

 Parting thought for the week: If you went into a video hire shop and hired “Batman Forever” would you have to bring it back the next day?

 Yours in sport

 Fitba Crazy

Episode 67

Funny how things work oot some times. Ah mean, ah’m wi Ricky Quinn when he says ‘what’s due yi will no go by yi’ but that disnae make it any mair predictable. Oh sorry, huv ah started the Ozblog? Well how’s things this week? No goat any rashers oan yir body yet? Been a quiet week here but we’ve been kept gawn. Anyway it’s Saturday 2 May at 8 am (11 pm Friday back home) and ah’m at ma station doing what ah’ve goat ti do in ma PHs. Just popped oot onto the pateho and it’s pleasant, probably aboot 20C and the sun’s breaking through the clouds. The usual stuff this week and a few stories-come-rants chucked in for good measure. So we had better get started hadn’t we.

 Well as planned last Saturday 25 April ah phoned the Star’s Club after rushing off the Ozblog. Phoned aboot 7.30 am (10.30 pm back home) and spoke to a whole load of people for just short of an hour. The club was buzzing as you can imagine with players and supporters alike enjoying a much needed cup winning celebration. Great to hear everyone enjoying themselves. Also got some decent photos via Ricky’s iPhone later on so ah could see what was happening. Anyway just promotion now to complete a fine season. Once ah finished ma call ah popped back to ma bed for a couple of hours. When ah goat up ah was still the only person up. Liz and Nikki had already done the food shopping on Friday because a lot of places were shut out of respect for Anzac Day. Ah hud one or two things to buy so popped up the street once the parade was past. We eventually got our act together early afternoon and decided to pop doon to Redcliffe to wallow in the autumn sunshine (it was just over 30C by then). Parked the car, caught a quick snack then had a nice slow long walk down the beachfront walkway. Walked a fair distance before stopping for a fag break for the team and then returning back to the car. Drove home and had a lazy rest of the day before heading to the North Pine v Rochedale game just after 6 pm (7 pm KO).

 Nice set up and decent crowd at their park which is only 5 minutes away in the car. Settled doon to the game as Nikki had a vodka or two but ah was driving so was tea-total. Game started with a bang with North Pine scoring from a screamer of a 30 yard free kick in the first minute. However that was aboot that with Rochedale equalising midway through the first half. Game was decent enough but no more goals so it ended up 1 - 1. Ah headed home dropping Nikki off at the Chin before arriving back just after 9 pm. Got a belated BBQ started before being joined by Nikki who was ‘pal-less’ at the pub. Finished our ‘outside in the pateho’ meal before having a lengthy Skype/webcam session with the Russells over a few ciders. Well ah wis having a few ciders anyway!. Was having problems with ma Sky sports internet service and with no Hearts/Nitten Star activity called it a day at 1 am.

 Up earlyish on Sunday and caught up on the sport results (including finding oot that Lasswade rugby had lost their 3rd game in a row). Sat outside in ma PJs and had a nice plate of scrambled eggs on toast plus cup of coffee in the early morning sunshine and heat (26C). Ah did mention that it’s quite warm over here before haven’t ah? Took Liz for a bit miscellaneous shopping before settling down to an internet and papers reading Sunday then the obligatory early night.

 Week started quietly enough with it being 12C on Monday night (shock, horror). However, he’s back. Yep, remember the guy who appears on the train and leaves his worldly goods (well at the least the ones he’s gathered up over the last 24 hours). Thought ah hud lost him. Thought wi me now catching the earlier train and wi him being a creature of habit that oor paths would never cross again. But Tuesday morning as the train pulled into Virginia station there he was twitching oan the platform with backpack and baseball hat. Made a bolt for the door that accessed ma area but birrled aboot and shot doon the train before grabbing a seat. Ah could barely see him but he had no longer sat doon when ah saw the papers being pulled oot the bag. No sure what happened efter that but he got off at Central station along with me and ah wis tempted to saddle up to him before asking him (as nicely as possible of course) what the f*** he wis up to. But he wandered behind me in the crowd and was gone. The mystery lives on.

 Also mentioned before that the A League has expanded this season to 12 teams with the 2 extra teams being from Queensland. Reason ah mention this again is because they have started training for next season (starting in August) and the fixtures have been announced. First new team is called North Queensland Fury from Townsville who have ex-Rangers Ian Ferguson as coach and Robbie Fowler as their marquee player (something to do with the salary cap rules). They are dodging away quietly. However the other team called Gold Coast Utd are exactly the opposite. Goat a Billionaire owner called Palmer who’s got a big mooth (as well as a few other things) and a coach who’s name is like an anagram who is also yippy. Oh joy! Both have stated that they will win the league undefeated in their first season!! When the fixtures were drawn by computer Gold Coast were drawn at home to the Roar. However the Australian FA said that because they were just new it was to be transferred to Suncorp to the bigger teams park. Well, f*** me, yi can jist imagine what Hunt & Lunt hud ti say aboot that! They were ranting and raving aboot the injustice of it all. The press also asked Farina, the Roar’s manager what he thought aboot it awe. Now Farina’s a man after ma ain heart because he is an ace wind-up merchant. He said tae the press that he didnae know what awe the fuss wis aboot. Adding, what did it matter if it wis played at the Gold Coast, Brisbane or the moon. They’re goanae win the league undefeated so why should they be concerned where it’s played! F***, ah wish it was starting this weekend. Need to work oot a few songs for their fall at the first hurdle. They’re blue, they’re white, they’re total f***ing shite etc.

 So what else has been happening? Building up my ‘following’ twitters including Stevie Dorans who’s never done a twitter message yet! Stevie for f***s sake jist type anything. Goan, you can do it. Euro Champions league semi’s this week and still too close ti call but I will stick by my prediction that it will be the same final as last year with Man U playing Chelsea. Fancy a Chelsea win this time though. (never, Man U to win (Liz & Nikki)). Noticed the Star lost 4 - 0 at home to Whitburn in the Mickey Moose Cup on Wednesday night. Don’t know how it panned oot but ah would imagine it was Nitten reserves with Graeme safeguarding the health of the mainstays for this weekend’s important league game. Liz and Nikki still dodging away with the odd visit here and there and Nikki continuing to try for any job going without success. One day, one day…… A wee bit bored on Thursday night so we made oor way up to the Chin for a couple. Not too busy and we only stayed until aboot 10 pm before returning to base.

 So that brings us neatly up to last night Friday 1 May and of course the Russell’s obligatory consumption of alcohol (whether we need ti or not). Goat home at aboot 5.20 pm and was met with ma usual lovely dinner made by ma lovely wife (she’s standing ower me as a write this!). Had a small refreshment before we headed for the North Leagues club. Not too bad this week busy-wise but with an exceptionally shitey band and care-in-the-community dancers. They were definitely out in force last night. So we sat and took in the scenery whilst ah watched the live NRL game. Decided to leave a bit sharper because it wis shite so we arrived at the Chin before 10 pm. It was no too bad wi a decent band oan (as opposed to that shite that was up at the Leagues). We stayed until the end which was aboot midnight and weaved our way home. Liz went into communication mode and Skyped and phoned everybody as ah made ma way to bed.

 Which brings us back to this lovely morning. Well it’s the long weekend over here which is the same as back home (ah think). We are having a quiet day today because we are off to the Caxton Street Seafood and Wine Festival. Missed it last year but decided to go this year because everybody was raving aboot it. Lots to do, eat, drink and three stages with live bands so should be good. Nae Brisbane Premier League games tonight so it will be internet and TV sport for us. The Star are at home to Fauldhouse in the league today with a 2.30 pm KO. A win and results elsewhere go their way and it’s promotion. Yahoo! Hearts are away to Rangers on Sunday 3 May with a 3.30 pm KO. Reckon we’ll gie them a fright again.

 So next week? Well Monday is shaping up as a day of rest and a very short week at work looms because Friday is a JIC. Hearts v Hibs at home live on Setanta on Thursday at 7.45 pm (that’s 4.45 am here!). So told the boss that can either have the day off or come in and sleep at ma desk! On Wednesday Leigh’s pal Amy arrives in Brisbane to stay with us for a few weeks so that’ll be nice. And of course the Champions League continues in both Europe and Asia. So that’s aboot us but ah’ve goat a wee niggle that ah forgot something! Ach well it cannae be that important can it? Catch you next time.

 Ask Ozzy: What dae ah think of the swine flu outbreak? Don’t get me f***ing started! What on earth is going on. The media have gone nuts for nothing and governments have joined in. There is so much pish going on that masquerades as common sense. How many outbreaks have there actually been? Bet nobody really knows but if someone sneezes then they’ve goat it ( even Liz as she has a cold!!! .) Even the outbreak reported in the US was a Mexican wumin whey had taken her sick kid oor the border fir treatment. Outbreak ma f***ing arse. Sale of face masks have o course gone through the roof. Even folk in Thailand have been cutting their ma’s bras in half and using them as masks. From what ah can work oot a handful of people in a Mexican slum have died of it but would probably have died from any spreadable disease given their living conditions. When will we ever learn to get things in a sense of proportion instead of inventing and spreading paranoia. Hands up whey’s thought of buying a mask? If yi pit yir hand up, use it ti gie yirsel a hard slap!

 Guess who ah saw this week?: Ricky Quinn’s wife Colleen on ma train one morning and Chelsea Noble working in the ANZ bank in Queen Street Mall. Also saw a guy in the train a couple of times later on in the week the spitting image of John Gooday ex-Transport Scotland. Sure ah’ve reported his sighting before but the memory goes as yi get older. What was ah saying? And finally, last night saw another guy at the Chin who looks like ma brother Brian. He certainly gets aboot. This guy had a long black jaicket that had that lived-in look.

 Philosopher’s corner: Wars are started by the rich but it’s the poor that do the suffering.

 Fact of the week: Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.

 Yours in fluey mode

 Swine Trotter

Episode 66

Last night was Friday 24 April. Up even earlier than early because of the much delayed final of the League Cup with Nitten playing Camelon at Bathgate and a 7 pm KO (4 am back here!). Had a look at the twitter man and a few texts later found oot that they won 2 - 1 on penalties with Camelon equalising in the 90th minute from a shite penalty (1 - 1). Party time back hame and ah’m no there! Will phone the club soon and catch everyone when they return (it’s 7 am here, 10 pm back hame).

Anyway how’s things wi you lot? Yi’ve had a bit decent weather recently ah believe this week (as far as decent weather back hame goes). We are due 30/31C this weekend but we’ll survive! So ah’m sitting in ma shorts and Cochrane’s Nitten Star strip (as yi dae of course) daein the weekly routine as ah wait on the bus getting back to the Star’s Club. Woo hoo! OK, ah’m better now. Been a quiet week really and no a lot to report but that’s no stopped me filling a page or two before!

Today is actually Anzac Day. Basically it’s the Aussie’s equivalent of Remembrance Sunday. It’s always on the same date every year (25 April) and just so happens to fall on a Saturday this year. It is usually a public holiday for us workers but with it being a Saturday there’s no much point is there? However they have not even conceded that we should get Friday or Monday instead (which is a shame). Reminds me a bit of the SNP and them making a big deal of a St Andrew’s Day holiday when they were in opposition. Got the thing passed but when they came to power what did they dae? They said to us that we could have it off as a public holiday as long as we gave up one of our days at the September weekend. Thank you very f***ing much. Just shows you the difference between bumping yir gums in opposition and actually daein things when yi are in power. Poxy b***ards! One of the reasons ah’m over here by the way.

Well ah huv ti confess that ah wasn’t feeling 100% when ah finished the Ozblog last Saturday 18 April. In fact ti be honest ah was amazed ah even managed to write it never mind send it! Suffice to say that ah just caught up on other e-mails whilst Liz and Nikki went away to do the food shopping. Rest of the day spent reading the papers and lazing on the couch. Come 6 pm Nikki asked me to get ma arsehole oot o neutral because she was wanting to go to the Brisbane Premier League game between Pine Rivers Utd and Rochedale Rovers. Ah thought ah hud better dae something so ah got ma act together and we headed off for the 7 pm KO. Got a wee bit lost but eventually arrived at the game just before the KO. Nice set up and a decent crowd as well. Nikki had a couple of drinks but ah was tea-total. Nae scousers though, well not that ah could see anyway. Game was a decent standard with Rochedale eventually winning 3 - 2. Bit hard on Pine Rivers who were not helped by a weak decision making ref. Towards the end we were approached by an ex-Scottish wumin who ‘thought she heard the accents’. She left Kirkintilloch 35 years ago. Of course ah did make an issue about them knocking the Star oot the Scottish but she seemed to understand. Anyway left for home aboot 9 pm dropping Nikki off at the Chin before arriving at the digs.

Had a modest bite to eat and was feeling better but no enough to have an alcoholic refreshment. Started the usual routine of setting the internet up for ma fitba stuff and watching the early SPL game between Motherwell and St Mirren on Setanta. Ma mum duly made her way to ma sister Linda’s and we had a one and a half hour Skype/webcam session at 10 pm (1 pm back home). She was joined by ma sister Linda and her daughter Karen with husband Brian floating around in the background. Nice to see her again (usually phone her through the week anyway) and the rest of the clan. Had a good wee blether including showing her around the hoose with the webcam. Anyway after that it was back to serious fitba matters. Nae twitter-man for the Star game until well after the game so ah didnae find oot until Sunday morning that Nitten reserves beat Dunbar Utd 4 -1 in the Mickey Moose Cup. Need ti huv a word wi yirsel twitter-man!

However ah moved into the main games last Saturday night with Celtic v Aberdeen on Setanta. Listened to Hearts commentary and according to the commentary team the game was dire with a totally inept performance by the Jambos. What really pisses me off with that is that the Hearts end was sold oot so people have paid good money to go and watch that shite. Think it ever crosses the players minds? Probably not! Anyway lasted to the end of the main games before heading for bed aboot 2 am.

Up reasonably early on Sunday and off for the paper after ma usual personal hygiene routine (shite/shave/shampoo). Back for breakfast and wee read at the papers. Nikki was in late and Liz had picked up a bug so they were both in bed for a big chunk of the day. Watched some replays of fitba games ( Liz, here so pissed off with fitba, seems to be mair fitba on TV/Setanta here than there was at hame. Before having our Saturday night BBQ on Sunday night. Had another Skype/webcam session with Ritchie & Karen before getting masel organised early for bed and the working week ahead.

Ah occasionally make mention of the US in ma Ozblog and this week is nae different. Ah confidently predict that the world will end thanks to the US and no amount of recycled plastic bottles are gonnae make any f***ing difference ti that eventuality. The fact that Australia aligns itself to the US lifestyle so closely is one thing that I find odd including young Aussies talking wi a put-on US accent. Very odd! Anyway what’s new with the US. Well they have always had problems with there lax gun laws but more recently it seems to have gone nuts over there. It seems like every week somebody picks up their gun, goes into their school/college, shoots their school mates then kill themselves. Or alternatively some bloke or other, kills their wife, his kids and any other family member that’s around before killing himself. What the f*** is up wi these folk. One other thing that is occurring to me aboot things US. Ah huv noticed that Mr Obama is being very open and liberal wi his praise of the likes of Muslims and Cuba. Ah think there will be people in the corridors of power of the US already worried aboot this totally un-American behaviour and will be already plotting his demise (one way or another!).

Anyway, work continues to be busy and nights continue to be getting cooler (average 15C this week). The Asian Champions League games continued with Central Coast and Newcastle in action again. Central Coast lost (and are almost down and out) and Newcastle also lost. Have to say that ah’m really enjoying watching Liverpool playing 1920’s football at the moment. This 7 forwards and nae defence willnae win them any trophies but certainly is gid entertainment.

Anyway that brings us to Friday 24 April and last night in particular. Goat hame the usual time and a had a wee cold Stella with ma denner. Had a wee sit outside (as us folk in warm countries dae of course) and pleasant family refreshment and blether. Eventually goat organised and headed for the North Leagues club at aboot 8 pm. A wee bit quieter than normal but we stayed for a while watching the dancers and listening to the band. Even Nikki and Liz goat up to dance by the way! However we left at just after 10 pm and headed for the Chin. That was modestly busy as we sat listening to the turn and having our final drinks of the evening. Left aboot 11.30 pm and headed home (without Nikki of course!). Did what we had to do back home before going to bed at whatever o’clock.

So what we daeing today? Well we will now be having a Nitten Star BBQ tonight before we head for the North Pine v Rochedale Brisbane Premier League game at 7 pm. Hearts nae game because of the semi-finals of the Scottish Cup and the Star sleeping it off after big League Cup final win! Ah think during the day will be quiet with me going back to bed soon after ma phone call back hame. Tomorrow is in the lap of the gods. Next week we will be completing our efforts at work to finalise the 5-year program and the second last games in the Asian Champions league taking place. Ah’ve actually noticed (quick on the uptake me!) that the qualifying leagues are regionally based. So the Arabs are all playing each other and so are the Chinese/Japanese/Koreans/Australians. Have to say that the Japanese are by far the better teams so the Aussies are finding it tough which is not helped by the fact that it is the A League’s closed season (ended end of February). Getting ahead of ma self but the A League fixtures are oot at the moment with it starting in August. Checked the fixtures and the Morgan’s will be heading to the Gold Coast with us on Boxing Day to watch the Roar playing in the local A League derby. Woo hoo!

Ask Ozzie (improvised): Can you hear the Camelon sing no-o, no-o, can you hear the Camelon sing no-o, no-o, can you hear the Camelon sing, cannae hear a f***ing thing no-oh, oh-oh, ooh-oh!

Guess who ah saw this week?: Alison Twigg who used to work in my payments section when we were in Victoria Quay and Jimmy Haddin fi Easthooses. Seen both of them in the same train one morning this week. The Alison look-alike was one of these people who stands up even when there are seats left. The Jimmy Haddin look-alike worked for a broadband company.

Philosopher’s corner: Do what you want to do, not what you think others want you to do.

Fact of the week: There is nothing more certain than death and taxes.

Yours in pig shit

Happy as Larry

Episode 65

What’s occurring people? OK, see before ah start, ah’ll huv to admit that ah’ve been led astray by an Australian neighbour. Seen this guy, fleetingly before, in ma auld neighbour’s hoose (the one where the Aberdeen folk stayed) across the road but never spoke to him until last night. So ah’m up at 8 am Saturday 18 April (11 pm back home) but once again no sure why ma body has chosen to do this. The dams around here are approaching 60% full but ah passed that last night. But enough o that. The morning is beautiful; only aboot 19C but really sunny and bright. Ah’m sitting in the same clothes ah slept upside doon behind the TV wi last night!

[Aside: listen, Nikki’s jist goat back fi last night and we’ve been asked ti steal oor neighbour’s BBQ so ah’ll be back in aboot half an oor. Catch yi later, OK.]

Right ah’m fine, braw BBQ by the way. So where was ah? Oh aye, meanwhile back at the laptop, ah suppose ah better finish this Ozblog before ah huv a relapse. Anyway it’s awe downhill fi here. No really much of note to relay this week so if yir a thrill seeker press ‘delete’ now.

Well there were a few of you on the ball last week were they no? The laptop was barely getting cold after the Ozblog had left hot of the presses when a few replies rolled in. Ah put it doon ti the clocks changing but maybe that was just a coincidence. Anyway it was appreciated even though some of them were alcohol fuelled! Meanwhile back in Brisbane we came together late morning once again before me and Liz set off for the week’s food shopping. After that we were actually baith a bit unwell (for totally different reasons and none of them were alcohol) so we just had a day close to base. We even just had our dinner cooked indoors (nae BBQ) before settling doon to watch the Saturday evening sports shows. Nikki disappeared wi friends to the Chin whilst me and Liz had a tea-total night in. Started off by watching an excellent Hearts performance (minus first minute and last 15 minutes) against Celtic on Setanta which could easily have resulted in a win. Anyway 1 - 1 is better than a loss. Towards the end of that game ah started to twitter the Star’s site. Game best summed up an inept performance refereed by a poof resulting in a 0 - 0 draw. However Penicuik and Musselburgh drew 1 - 1 so it was quits.

Then moved onto the Sunderland v Man Utd game on Fox sports plus watching the rest of the scores coming up on the internet. Ma teams didnae have as much success as last week but that’s fitba for yi ah suppose. Eventually gave up aboot 2 am again and went to bed sober as a judge. Got up Sunday morning and caught up on e-mails plus the usual essential functions of life. Left aboot midday for a trip up to Bribie Island. It was a bit cloudy with the odd small shower but at 26C who cares. Had a nice stroll along the beach but noticed there were still some effects of the recent tanker oil spill in Moreton Bay. In other words the tide was still washing in a foam which was obviously a by product of the clean up efforts. Anyway we had a wee sit doon at a picnic table and a read at the paper efter our exertions before heading home mid-afternoon. Got home and Nikki had surfaced just in time to get her Easter egg. Rest of the day was quiet but decided to have a small cider and get the music on later on to make up for missing oot the previous night.

Easter Monday was a wash oot. Literally. Pissed of rain virtually the whole day leaving us unwilling to leave the hoose so that is exactly what happened. Took the chance to amalgamate and consolidate ma old personal papers from home with those ah have gathered since my arrival in Oz. So ah suppose it made me do something that ah really needed to do but hadn’t got a round to it. So it was just an uneventful day off work.

However forgot ti tell you last Ozblog that ah have been slowly trying to impose some modest nonsense into ma work to loosen them up a bit. They are laid back but can get a bit too intense at times. So ah’ve taken to introduce some old traits from ma old work. Nothing special just trying to get a bit humour through introducing phrases, telling stories and stuff like that from back home. They have this dress doon Friday which ah’ve told you aboot before but they bill it as TGIF (thank god it’s Friday). So ah’ve re-badged it as TFIF (thank f*** it’s Friday) which they’ve taken a shining to. So just before the Easter weekend ah asked if we were huving a TFIT (thank f*** it’s Thursday) because we wer’nae goanae be in on Friday. At that one wumin chirps up by saying ‘no it’s TFILW’ which caught me out until she pointed oot it meant ‘thank f*** it’s the long weekend’. No bad, eh? Must be getting through ti them.

Back to work on Tuesday and the continuing efforts with the review of the roads program. Some more Skype episodes with Brian Duncan joining the team during the week. Stevie Dorans oan Twitter but we huvnae joined up yet (follower/following). Good mid-week win 3 - 1 by the Star at home in the League to Ballingry Rovers to move 5 points ahead of Penicuik. Twitter suggested the game was a bit rough with Ballingry loosen the place but a comfortable win in the end. The European Champions league games were crackers with Chelsea v Liverpool being the game of the season by far. Under estimated Man U to pull through away to Porto though. Ach well, yi cannae win them all! And, continuing on a sporting theme, that Nikki has decided she’s a wee bit flabby has started going oot jogging. Will let you know how long it lasts.

So back ti last night. Well Friday 17 April started off innocently enough. Got in early ti ma work and met some colleagues for breakfast (as one does) in Brisbane CBD at aboot 7.15 am. Nice blether and bite to eat before heading off to real work. Busy day again but still got home at 5.15 pm. Simple dinner followed by a few Stellas before heading off to the North Leagues club with the team. Goat there aboot 8 pm and had a few whilst watching the Broncos (rugby league) on the TV. So you know, the Broncos are currently top of the league and the Queensland Reds (rugby union) are bottom of the S14. Broncos won eventually as we passed the evening away watching the dancers and listening to the band. Later on we were joined by Stephen who we found oot wis oor neighbour. Apparently his brother has the lease but he stays wi um. He thought that ah wis a superstar (which is right of course) because ah never spoke to anybody. Anyway we had a couple of drinks before persuading him to come to the Chin (actually the story’s a lot mair complicated than that but ah cannae be ersed telling yi). Suffice ti say that he wis drinking Jack Daniels and coke which ah always seemed ti end up drinking because he hud some left?!? Anyway we goat doon ti the Chin and finished a jolly (if alcohol fuelled) evening off. Lost Nikki on the way back but I arrived home with Stephen (as one does ah suppose). Had a conversation and pizza (bought by him) oot the back (ah think) before going to bed. He said his brother’s BBQ was shite and we should steal it. Looks OK to me so ah don’t know what he’s oan aboot!

Anyway ah’ve goat up this morning with vague recollections of last night. Only hope ah remembered where he stays because if no ah’ve goat somebody else’s BBQ! Not to worry. So, rest of the weekend. Well it will be a leisurely start (especially if ah huv a relapse!) followed by food shopping. Rest of the day quiet followed by an evening trip to see Pine Rivers play Rochedale (scousers team) at 7 pm. Looking forward to seeing ma Liverpool buddies again. However to leap forward a week, they play North Pine here next week. Folk will be thinking we are Rochedale supporters! This will be followed by a momentous occasion. Yep, ma mum is going up to ma sister Linda’s ti huv a blether oan Skype/webcam. Phoned hur during the week ti mention she hud ti get ti Linda’s at 1 pm (hame time) and awe she said wis will yi no be drunk! Dis it really f***ing matter, ah said! Ah’m usually f***ing drunk when ah talk ti her! Anyway that should be a laugh.

What else? Well there will be the usual fitba stuff on TV/internet with Hearts away to Falkirk today at 3 pm. We usually are kind at this time of season and fully expect them to be given the three points. At home the Star are away ti Dunbar Uted in the Micky Mouse cup qualifying roond. 2.30 pm KO there. Will miss ma joust wi Landells (if he’s still there) but tell him ah’m asking for him. No sure how that will work oot but if we take it as a serious training game it will be 6 - 1. Will be following twitter of course so will keep you up to date with the other scores as they happen.

Tomorrow is anybody’s guess. Probably not a lot happening which will be the same as the rest of the week except the Asian Champions league qualifiers continue with Newcastle and Central Coast in action once again.

Ask Ozzy: Been asked aboot a Baker’s Dozen by the way and what it means. In other words why is a baker’s dozen 13 and no 12. Well apparently it goes back to the 13th century when Henry III decided he hud had enough of baker’s short changing customers so he made it a severe offence. So ti stop being done baker’s decided ti gie folk 13 loafs or rolls ti make sure they wer’nae caught oot and strung up by the short and curlies. Easy see!

Guess who ah saw this week?: Saw Stan Wilson (ex Fifth Street and Kirkhill Hotel) having a beer in Queen Street Mall. Still see a few other people ah mentioned before on the train but naebody new recently.

Leading question: Would you rather be too warm and have to take yir clothes off or be too cold and have to put some clothes on?

Philosopher’s corner: Treat people like shit and you will get your comeupence. In this life or the next.

Fact of the week: Toads cannot give warts to humans.

Yours in a stupor

I P Squint

Episode 64

Welcome to the bumper Easter edition of the Ozblog. Up a bit smart this morning. So ah’m sitting at the laptop about 7.30 am on Saturday 11 April (10.30 pm on Friday night back home) having already done one or two things. It’s about 20C at the moment and generally been a mixed week weather-wise. Been about 26/27C during the day and 18/19C at night but also a bit unsettled with quite a few showers. Pleasant morning this morning though. What you lot been up to? Had a few e-mails again which is always appreciated. This week’s Ozblog? Well everything including the kitchen sink is going ti be in here this week. Stevie Lawson fi Brisbane (ex-Alloa player and Alan Prentice’s mate) tells me he needs three coffee breaks at his work ti read it! So here goes.

I thought it worthwhile maybe just reminding everyone of what is the purpose of the Ozblog. It really is just a means of me keeping family and friends back home up to date with what we are up to in Oz. It’s not a real blog in as much as it has a closed circle and is not available to the general public although I know it is passed on to other people. I have no problem with that as long as they appreciate the main purpose of the weekly epistle. I do of course also like to relate some of my observations from my week’s experiences, pass comment on the odd issue or two and give vent to my frustrations. And if I can do all or some of this with a touch of humour then I have scored a goal. It also isn’t really a chore for me to do it because, believe it or not, I enjoy it. I also know that most of you lot look forward to receiving it so that also makes it easier for me to put it together. You might also have noticed that I do have some rules (honest) in as much as there are certain subjects that are taboo.

So the team eventually came together late morning last Saturday 4 April. Ah wis of course the pillock that hud ti go back to Petrie station via the weekend bus service ti pick up the car that that lot hud left. Hud a look in the mirror ti see if ‘mug’ wis printed oan ma foreheid but couldnae really see it so ah’m no too sure. Anyway picked it up eventually before collecting Liz and heading for the week’s provisions. Decided to go local because we wer’nae really needing much. Went to Kallangur Woollies and Aldi then returned home. Hud a quiet day checking up on e-mails and had a wee walk to look at the new hooses next to us that are about to go up for sale/rent. They are similar to us but symptomatic of the housing market they are already smaller and more packed in.

When we got to 6 pm, me and Nikki headed off to Pine Rivers park to watch the Taringa Rovers game and have a few beers. Or so we thought, got there and it was in darkness (again!). However this time we were sure we were at the right park, so it must have been put off because of the recent heavy rain episodes. As an example of how sudden and devastating the rain can be in these parts I will recount the story in the news that day that a 4 x 4 had been swept of the road in the Sunshine Coast (just up the road from us) killing the elderly female driver. So basically when nature does it stuff over here, weather wise, it does not f*** about! So we headed home a wee bit disappointed but at least Liz was happy because ah goat the BBQ going at 6.30 pm, instead of after the game and a few beers at 10 pm. Hud oor usual nice wee BBQ to oorsels and started oan the Stella. Also hud two lengthy Skype sessions with Liz’s sister Jane and Robert followed by our old Aberdeen neighbours (now in Townsville) Tracy and Keith. What’s huddin the rest o yi back?

We then started watching the sport on TV and generally gearing up for the rest of night ahead. Also joined Twitter via the official Newtongrange Star website so ah was able to follow their comfortable 3 - 0 victory over Dundonald Bluebell at home in the league. Add to that Penicuik and Musselburgh getting beat then it was party time. At the same time we were flicking between the EPL on Fox sport and the SPL on Setanta (beginning to get the picture). Also hud the live scores on Sky sports internet site and Hearts v Kilmarnock commentary live on Hearts TV. The good sports news continued with Hearts hammering Kilmarnock 3 - 1 and, with both Dundee Uted and Aberdeen drawing with mince, we pulled 7 points ahead in 3rd place. Who else? Even the lesser teams whose scores ah follow like Torquay Utd and Livingston both won to move up their leagues. Where was it all going to end ah wis asking masel? Winning the lottery (no such luck)? Selling ma hoose back hame (yir f***ing joking!)? Anyway ah hud drunk awe ma Stella by then and hud moved on to the bottles of Crown lager but by aboot 2 am ah gave up and went to ma bed (with a big smile oan ma face).

What some of you might huv missed in all that was the mention of Twitter. So if anyone wants to make me a follower just search for ‘russofoz’ and Bob’s yir uncle. This will mean something to Twitterers, trust me. However, ma lack of success with ma Skype prompts, means ah won’t be huddin ma breath waiting oan being asked to be a Twitter follower! And ah thought Australia was an IT back water (well it is actually, but yi ken what ah mean?).

Sunday 5 April was a new day and we goat up that wee bit later than normal (which was nice). The usual routine followed by a afternoon drive (me and Nikki only) to Dayboro then on to Mount Mee before returning to base via Bunnings (their B & Q). The rest of day was spent relaxing by reading the papers and catching mair sport on TV (cannae get enough, especially at the weekend). Early bed, ready for the short week ahead.

As predicted, the week was busy as we moved towards finalising our 5 year forward roads programme. However, as ah mentioned, it was short because of the up-coming long Easter weekend. Nothing really else of note apart from the A League teams Newcastle and Central Coast playing in the Asian Champions League qualifying round. Newcastle drew and Central Coast lost. European Champions League quarter finals were top class with the semis shaping up as Porto v Arsenal and Chelsea v Barcelona. Keeping on a fitba theme, Gordon Bennett asks if the rumours back hame of the Roar trying to sign Barry Ferguson are true. Well they have not reached these shores yet but I will let you know if anything comes of it. For what it’s worth I think it highly unlikely he will be tempted over here.

Wee journey to work story again this week. Ah’ve started to go for an earlier train they’ve put on which leaves Petrie at 6.20 am (honest!). I get out the concourse of Central Station and there’s quite often this big wumin who’s of Maori descent (New Zealand) in front of me. This wumin is shaped like a cube. Ken what ah mean, as wide as she’s tall as she’s deep. Anyway she waddles oot the station but ah’m off. Been here aboot a year and a half but still in a hurry. Ah’m sure ah’ll chill oot eventually. Anyway ah��ve worked oot the fastest route to work missing traffic lights etc. So it would be hard to get there before me. However every morning ah see this wumin, she’s there before me sitting oan the wa having a fag. How the f*** does she dae it? Cannae catch a bus cause there isnae one that goes that way, but in any case it still would get caught in traffic. Only thing ah can think of is that she’s got a FB taxi allowance fi the council. Ken what a mean? Apply to the council on the grounds yir no mobile enough to get around and under their social inclusion policy they gie yi a fat b***ards grant ti get a taxi to work for free. Cannae think o anything else apart from yon bloke fi Star Trek beaming her doon the road!

Also as it’s been quiet ma mind’s been freed up and ah’ve been daein some wondering. No telt you aboot that stuff for a while so ah thought ah would share some of them with you this week. So hear we go, ah wis wondering:

If David Houston ever goes ti work or if he jist sits awe day watching You Tube videos?

If ma mum will ever get her finger oot her erse and find someone wi a webcam/Skype?

If auld Isobel is awe right?

If the Star will win promotion?

If John Morgan will be drinking the same as me when he visits us during the festive period?

If wee Linzi has hud mair than 3 jobs this week?

If wee Linzi will ever cut and colour Liz’s hair again? ( best hairdresser ever!)

If Colin Russell can still pick his nose wi his broken finger?

If some o ma lot at Transport Scotland will ever come oot here ti work?

If Drew Purves ever fund his camouflage troosers?

If Ritchie goat arrested at the last Hibs v Hearts game?

If Rangers will start chucking oot awe the erseholes they’ve signed?

If ma hoose will ever get selt?

If Ian Lamb’s thinking aboot calling it a day and joining us in Oz?

If Mixu Pitalainin (Hibs’ manager) will ever get a shirt and tie ti fit him?

If big Davie Clerk will start supporting Celtic soon?

If Bob the Builder has ever really fixed anything?

If ah’m ever gonnae finish this week’s Ozblog?

Anyway after that lot we arrive at Thursday 9 April and the start of the long Easter weekend. If you remember Australia shuts doon for Easter with almost nothing open on Friday and Sunday. So goat hame and hud ma denner as usual before settling doon to a small Stella. Hud a couple of Skype episodes wi Leigh and Mason followed by Liz’s sister Jane and her mum Jean (which Liz really enjoyed). Ah’ve attached a photo of Leigh and Mason taken by Skype using their webcam (how good is that by the way!). Quality’s no great but at least you’ve goat it. Because of the Friday shut doon we decided to go to the Chin and have a small refreshment. It was actually quite busy and they hud a ‘turn’ on who were awe right. Hud a pleasant evening and returned home in a wee bit of a downpour but as usual it was warm enough to make it irrelevant. Watched a video and conked oot.

Friday 10 April started slowly as we gradually got ourselves together. Not really much happened until late afternoon when we made our way over to Liz’s pal Terri’s for an Easter BBQ. They chocolate Easter eggs make some mess o the BBQ by the way! Anyway we got there with our cairry oot consisting of Stella, Strongbow, Smirnoff, Coke, Red Bull and wine. Oh aye we had some Moreton Bay bugs and prepared scallops as well. For the seafood folk, the bugs are ugly looking things but taste like crabs/lobsters and the scallops came prepared in a half shell with a mornay sauce. Mm, mmm! Got there and settled down to a few Stellas plus watching/listening ti a few music DVDs on the TV (everyone knows how ah’m a wee bit partial ti the auld music videos). Pleasant chat then our seafood Easter Friday meal which was really tasty. Continued with the chat, music and beer until just before 11 pm then weaved our merry way home. Path is finished in the new housing estate so oor shortcut is now mud less. Home to a quick coffee then we all wandered smartly to bed.

So ah’m up first again. Troops will be right behind me (my arse!) so we’ll be off soon. Naw ah expect to be on the move late morning. Rest of the long weekend is sort of planned. In other words we want to go places but the days hav’nae been decided yet. So we plan to go to Bribie Island for a pleasant walk along the beach plus head to Southbank to see what’s on over the Easter period. A few essentials like food shopping to be taken care off and that’ll be the weekend. Loads of sport on the TV with first up tonight we have Hearts v Celtic live on Setanta at 9.30 pm which will be nice. Might gie them a fright by the way. The Star (hopefully) continue their march up the League with a tough home game against Kinnoull with a 2.30 pm KO. Penicuik v Musselburgh as well so something has to give there. Ah’m sure if ah asked Graeme Armstrong what his preferred score was in that match he would take a Musselburgh win because promotion is mair important than winning the league. Ask him what he thinks and let me know. Will be doing the ‘twittering’ so ah’ll keep you Nitten folk up to date with the local scores! Nae local fitba in the area tonight so it’ll save us going to a game that’s no oan!

Next week ah continue at work to iron oot the wrinkles in the roads program but mair than that ah don’t know. Another short working week of course. Could get used ti they four day weeks by the way. Anyway that’s me come to the end of this week’s journey and there’s nothing left but for me to wish you a pleasant holiday weekend and ah’ll catch you all next week. Cheers!

Ask Ozzy: Gordon Bennett asks if ‘Sweet Caroline’ is as popular over here as it wis in Nitten adding if it’s no, what the f*** have ah been daein for the past year. Well ah have to say ah’ve no been given many opportunities but when ah huv it seems to have gone doon well. Ah think the chances o me getting it to catch on will be a bit like the chances o me scoring a century at cricket sometime soon. Somewhere between nae chance and absolutely nae chance.

Gordon also asked an unbelievably sensible question aboot ecology and farming in the Murray Darling Basin (NSW and Victoria) and Queensland which ah’ll save you from other than this mention.

Philosopher’s corner: There’s a fine line between love and hate. How many people do you love to hate?

Fact of the week: When a duck quacks there is no echo. And no one knows why!

Yours on a roll

Jam Sandwich

Episode 63

Well, what’s up? How are we this morning? Been better? Ah well not to worry. Ah’m sitting in ma usual location at 8 am Saturday 4 April (11 pm on Friday back home. Because you’ve moved to BST the time difference is now +9 hours.). Sitting in ma PJs looking out across the pateho into the grassed area and ah see it’s still raining a bit. Had a fair bit rain in the last couple of days but it’s still 21C at the moment. A few stories to tell you and a wee bit news to pass on this week so ah’d better plod on.

Me and Liz eventually set off on our weekly food shopping expedition late morning on Saturday 28 March. Goat oor fruit & veg at Lawton and then off to North Lakes to get the rest. Goat hame early afternoon and had a wee read at the papers before an early evening BBQ. Decided to take a trip back to Taringa to watch the Rovers play Rochedale in the Brisbane Premier League with a 7 pm KO. When we got there, there was actually quite a decent crowd at the game. The reserves were just finishing and ended up 2 - 1 winners. They played well apparently and could have won by more. The first team came on to the field to the usual “Fanfare to the Common Man” tune. At this point it is probably worthwhile setting the scene for things to come. The three of us were up on a busy balcony with an earlier team who had had a few and were a bit boisterous. We were then joined by the team who had just won plus two rather large scousers from Rochedale.

The first half was quite tame with both teams making lots of mistakes. When half time came ah would huv put Taringa ahead on points but the score was 0 - 0. Rochedale are meant to be a good side so ah suppose Taringa were feeling quite pleased with themselves. The team who had had a few were in good voice with a mixture of friendly banter and abusive songs in their repertoire. No really much ti sing aboot but the drink daes funny things ti yi sometimes. Second half started with a bang with the visitors scoring straight from the KO through an unmarked back post header. Cue the two scousers with ‘Rochedale Rovers barmy army’, ‘your not singing anymore’ etc. We were actually right next to the scousers and of course ah thought this was great the two out-singing the many so ah started to huv a blether wi them. Good guys actually (but big!). The drunken rabble that were the Taringa guys of course didn’t give up but there cause was not helped by Rochedale scoring every 10 minutes! So it got to 5 - 0 and ah huv to say that on play there was not a lot between the sides, honest! The scousers were giving it big licks with ‘your shite and you know you are’. Wonder whey suggested they sing that one then? Let me think…. Hey, jist remembered, it wis me! Well crivens, jings, help ma boab, whawed ah thocht. Anyway the Taringa guys had more or less given up by the time the final whistle went. 5 - 0 looks like a hammering but it wasn’t really.

We went into the clubhouse for a couple before heading home about 9.30 pm (Nikki driving). Goat home and watched some football but there wasn’t much because the international games were mostly evening KOs back home. Eventually wandered to bed aboot midnight. Up early on Sunday 29 March for shite, shave and a shampoo followed by breakfast. However this was after checking the Star and Scotland score. Good 2 - 0 away win a Blairgowrie bringing the Star to within a point of Penicuik with a game in hand. Scotland on the other hand predictably lost 3 - 0 in Holland. Anyway the rest of the day was spent quietly reading the morning paper and catching some replays of international games on TV including the Scotland game. Must be our worse performance for a while. Nae real passion, skill and we never looked dangerous in the slightest.

Quite busy at work at the moment trying to complete the annual review of our five year rolling program. Trying to resolve the small matter of a $700m over commitment at the moment! Anyway also noticed it is getting a bit cooler at night with it only being 16C one night. Shock, horror. Goat an absolute load of e-mails again this week so thanks to all you people. Added ma brother-in-law Davie Houston (ma youngest sister Janice’s husband) ti the Ozblog Crue after awe this time and found oot that he must be the person that the hail world sends these daft e-mails ti. Say no more! Skyping activity also continues maistly wi Leigh and Mason but with others as well. We do look forward to hearing and seeing folk even if it isnae in the flesh. Liz of course would now be lost without her regular sights of young Mason which is understandable.

Spotted a short article on Monday 30 March in the free paper called the mX that gets dumped at public transport locations (same as the Metro back home) and thought ah would share it with you. Anyway yi maybe want ti sit doon before you read this earth-shattering research news. The research was carried oot by Queens University, Belfast. Ah should point oot first of all that ah’m a bit of a research heathen. Ah can’t understand why people spend fortunes on research with nothing coming out the other end. For example, how much money has been spent on research to discover a cure for cancer? Anyway this research concluded that crabs feel pain when they are dumped in a pan o boiling hot water. And that’s no awe. If they could have escaped (?!?) their boiling hell then they would be scared if they were aboot ti be put in the next time. Well get away ti f***! If you put a living thing in boiling water it feels pain? No way! And it would be frightened if you tried it again. No way! Di these folk think we are f***ing buttoned up the back? Of course yi would feel pain and be frightened ti go back in. Yi dinae need research ti f***ing tell yi that, dae yi? Wonder how much they goat payed for finding that oot? F*** me!

Wednesday night was Australia’s next game in the World Cup final Asian qualifying rounds. They were at home to Uzbekistan in Sydney with a 7 pm KO. Game started of slowly from the Aussie’s point of view and they basically struggled to get to grips with the game in the first half. So we arrived at half time and it was 0 -0. Second half started the same but after 5 minutes the Aussies stepped it up and started to look like they were going to do something. Josh Kennedy (Karlsruhe reserves) came on for Scott McDonald (Celtic) and scored with a header after 65 minutes. They continued to play at a higher tempo and got a penalty just over 5 minutes later which was converted by Harry Kewell (Galatasary). This more or less ended the game as a contest but the Aussies continued to press and ended up convincing 2 - 0 winners. No really a great performance (which has really been the case in all their recent qualifying games) but his means that they have more or less qualified for the finals in South Africa next year. Feel free ti buy yir Aussies flags now because Scotland won’t be there guys! Sorry, but we have to be honest aboot these things. Ah suppose it was a decent 2 - 1 win over the might of Iceland during the week but it’s no gonnae be enough ah’m afraid.

As ah told you before, Liz’s sister Jane and her tribe are visiting in July this year. Getting close but before that we have the visit of Amy Stockman (Leigh’s pal) who is wandering aboot Australia aimlessly at the moment. She arrives mid-May for a bit (to be worked oot) but dinae worry Jane she’s got other plans that will happen before you arrive. Also got the good news that Barbara and John Morgan have booked their travel plans and are due to be with us over Xmas (which will be nice). They can look forward to melting their arses off because it was aboot 32C last Xmas (and that was a cool day!). As you can imagine Liz is already planning the menu! So, see you lot whenever.

Which brings us neatly to the end of the week and Friday 3 April. We decided to have an old haunts night oot so we met just before 5 pm at Central Station and wandered doon to the (busy as usual) Grand Central hotel bar. We stayed a bit longer than normal because the Broncos were playing at Suncorp and the game had been moved to 6.30 pm to let the Sydney folk watch it at their peak viewing time. Sydney rules when it comes to these kind of things and the TV folk don’t give a second thought to the likes of Brisbane or Melbourne. Anyway what that meant was that the busy Friday commuter time got caught up with 40,000 rugby league fans making their way to the game. So best ti stay put and have a few mair drinks and let it settle doon, naw? Well it works for me.

We left aboot 6.30 pm and made our way to the bus station at King George Square. Heading for Indooroopilly (Indro) but the girls decided they wer’nae climbing up the hill from the railway station. So we goat a bus that stops right outside the Pig & Whistle. Got in and it was quite busy with a lot of folk in to see the Broncos game. Ah could fill a page aboot the background to the game and aboot the game itself but ah cannae be arsed! Suffice to say they were well and truly stuffed. We goat a drink and then something to eat. Always get a decent, simple, well priced meal in the P&W. Sat for a bit and the turn came on. The next bit will take place as a conversation between me and Nikki, with Nikki talking first:

Dad, ah see the band ur called ‘Salmon’ again the night.

Aye, ah hud already spotted that.

But dad, it’s a different bad fi the last time we were in.

Aye, ah hud spotted that as well.

Dad, ah wis jist looking at that notice board and ‘Salmon’ is no the bands name. It’s the ‘fish o the day’.

Get away ti f***!

Yi mean when ah wis reading awe they Ozblogs back hame, that the band wisnae really caud ‘Salmon’?

[Never said ah word jist looked at her.]

Awe for f***s sake, dinae tell mi!

Anyway she goat ower that (as yi do efter a puss-fi o vodka and red bulls) but us auld yins wir oan the wane and we headed home avoiding the pissing rain via bus, train and taxi getting in the hoose late evening and straight ti bed.

So a quiet day planned today but we are going to the North Pines v Taringa Rovers, Brisbane Premier league game just up the road later tonight. The KO is 7 pm (if it’s oan despite of the rain). Nae worries this week because we have sussed where the park is before we go! Back home we have the Star at home in the League against Dundonald Bluebell with a 2.30 pm KO. We need to keep our recent league form going and nothing more that three point will do. Must keep up the push to the top league. We plan to be up, and the KO here is now 11.30 pm because of BST so we should be around for at least a bit. Hearts are back to league duties with a home game against Kilmarnock at 3 pm. Hopefully a win to consolidate their 3rd place in the league. Quite a few fitba games on the TV tonight (Fox sports and Setanta) so hoping to catch some of them as well.

Rest of the weekend is looking quiet as well as is next week (getting boring um ah no?). However ah huv the continuing struggle with balancing the roads program with limited cash, ti look forward ti! The Asian Champions League qualifiers continue this week with Newcastle Jets and Central Coast Mariners in action again. A wee rumour gawn aboot in the media that the Roar (and Adelaide Utd) are aboot ti go doon the tubes which is a lot of piss (at least aboot the Roar anyway). So Ian Lamb, yir strips no gone become a collector’s item jist yet! Anyway that’s me for another week. Catch you next time. TTFN.

Ask Ozzy: Barbara Morgan asks if ah ever look oot ma windae in the morning and hope ti catch sight o frost or snaw. Well, actually, the answers ‘naw’ auld yin. Mainly because ah associate that stuff wi ma maist miserable journeys to work when ah wis back hame. Sort o like the bairn who gets frightened by whatever and never does it or goes near it again for the rest of their life.

And ma brother Derek asks me that if a bloke eats a daffodil thinking its an onion and ends up in hospital dae ah think he’ll get oot in the spring?

Gordon Bennett has also asked a couple of questions one of which ah will answer next week but the other one is a research project!

Guess who ah saw this week?: Well what a fright ah goat! Goan ti ma work one morning early in the week, walking purposely through Queen Street Mall when whey came roond the corner? David Saldanha fi ma auld work. Nearly shit masel so ah did. And ti add ti that, ah came across a wumin in the train later in the week pitting here make-up oan who looked like Margaret Paterson (wee Ian’s wife). Jist is weel ah’ve no goat a dicky ticker!

Philosopher’s corner: Do you love someone enough to give them your last Rolo?

Fact of the week: The human brain is about 70 per cent fat. Explains a lot doesn’t it. On the other hand, yi dinae need ti worry aboot someone calling yi fat-heid ever again cause they’re probably right.

Yours in confusion

Salmon Chanted Evening

Episode 62

Autumn time, and the living is easy; dum di dum, dum di dum diddy dum…. (cannae mind the second line). Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day (join in when yi ken the words), somehin, somehin, somehin; everything’s going my way. Well what kin ah tell yi? Lovely morning here in upside-doon land; sky’s clear, sun’s shining and its already aboot 25C. For the record it’s 9 am Saturday 28 March (11 pm Friday back home) and ah’m sitting in ma kennel half dressed (optimists view of life of course) typing away furiously trying to meet another Ozblog deadline. What yi f***ing talking aboot ‘deadline’ ah hear yi saying. Well sometimes in life yi’ve goat ti set yirsel targets and try and meet them. Ken what ah mean? Kin be the simplest thing, like ah’ll no have another fag for two hours, ah’ll no watch Celtic ever again. Ken what ah mean, easy targets but enough ti challenge yi.

Anyway, today as a look at ma list ah see a few rants doon there. Hope they’re taken in the spirit they were meant; pointed but educational. Feel free ti disagree wi me and let me know. That’s what freedom of speech is all aboot. Must plod on, or ah’ll no get past the intro before Sunday!

Well we eventually got moving early afternoon last Saturday 21 March, and went to a few shops in the Lawnton area for a scout around before heading to North Lakes to stock up on alcohol and food (but no necessarily in that order). We arrived home later in the afternoon and had a relaxing time with the most strenuous thing being turning the pages of the paper and pressing the remote control of the TV. Early evening we started of watching the South Africa v Australia in the 3rd and last cricket test. Also had a modest BBQ with only me and Liz eating. Later we found out that the Rangers v Hearts game was live on the internet whilst we tuned into the live fitba scores on Sky sports internet and Portsmouth v Everton on Fox sports. Also chuck in the end of the cricket and the England v Scotland rugby union game of Setanta then you will wonder how we kept up with every thing especially when you take into account that a dozen or so Stellas had been consumed!

The Hearts game started poorly (from Hearts point of view) and then the internet pictures started playing up. Anyway we eventually reverted to the live audio version of the game with much whooping and shouting as we almost pulled it off with the game ending up 2 - 2. Ah would like someone to tell me the last time Hearts were 2 - 0 down at Ibrox and came away with at least a point. Sometime never? Anyway results are flying in on the internet and the TV remote control in a spin between Spurs v Chelsea and the rugby. Also was texted to be told that the Star had a creditable 3 - 1 win at Carnoustie to keep their promotion hopes well and truly alive. Should point out at this time that ah was on ma own. Scotland lost at rugby but Torquay Uted came back to win and keep their play-off hopes alive. It was all happening. Succumbed eventually to alcoholic tiredness at doofry o’clock and slept upside doon behind the tele (as one does of a Saturday evening!). Gasp!

Liz woke me at 7 am and ah checked the internet to see if ma memory and reality matched up and they pretty much did. Then collapsed on the couch, woke up and had a bacon roll then went to bed (in that order). Eventually entered the land of the (almost) living about 5 pm. Yep, maist of the day gone, never to be returned. Watched the whole of the Hearts game on Setanta and as a remembered we didn’t contribute too much in the 1st half against an ordinary looking Rangers. 2nd half was much better with Rangers being punished for ‘going through the motions’. However have to say that Nade has to go. We must start Elliot before him next game. Ah would even go as far to say that Nade wouldnae look f***ing dangerous wi a axe in his hand!

Probably worth while mentioning at this point that Anna Bligh was elected Premier with her Labor party coming back with an increased majority. Good for her and thank god we didnae get the Borg for the next four years. However some smart arse worked oot if she goat aboot 3,000 less votes across key marginal seats then the Borg would have won! By such small measures are significant events decided. Found out later in the week that our new Roads Minister is a Craig Wallace from Townsville (fine Scottish name that is it not?). However he is a junior Minister to the Minister for Transport so ah’m back ti cyclists being mair f***ing important than cars again. Thought ah hud left that shit back hame!

Start to week was introduced with an impromptu ADO (accumulated day off or flexi time for those back home). Yep, despite all that rest ah was still ‘tired’ when the alarm went on Monday 23 March. However still go up reasonably early, got masel organised and Liz and me headed for Redcliffe and a wee walk along the shore. Nice day with it being sunny and about 26C late morning. Came home via some wandering aboot shops early afternoon. Rest of the day was spent relaxing and catching up on some replays of weekend sport including Liverpool starting to put the shiters up Man U.

Was sent an article by Stevie Lawson (Alan Prentice’s mate) from the Daily Record on Tuesday 24 March aboot Hearts players clubbing together ti buy baws because the club were taking too long ti dae it. As ah told him, it reminded me o the time when Bill Thompson used to drive oor Allan’s bus to awe Nitten Star’s away games and insisted on playing this shitey tape o a box player every week. Eventually me and Jas goat up a collection, gave it ti the driver oan the way hame and telt him ti pay the f***ing box player off before the next game! By the way, made nae difference, he was still there next time.

Oh aye, excuse me while ah start ma rants. These people are really starting ti get on ma tits. Passed through the Queen Street Mall on ma way home via Central Station during the week when ah was confronted by a stall and leaflet hander-outerers with the banner “Eating red meat causes global warming”. What the f*** are they oan aboot? First of all there is no such thing as global warming, don’t let them tell you otherwise. I concede that there is such a thing as climate change but ah wid dispute the conventional reasons behind it, that is, the human race. As for these arseholes, they think the world is going to end because coos fart a lot! What the f*** is that all aboot? Trust me the world is going to end because the US or China press a shiny red button in anger. Only regrets aboot that is no being able to tell anybody that ah told them so.

Right better now. But to continue, Liz and Nikki huv been oot shopping this week, mainly for bedding stuff but they also baith goat a pair of shoes-come-boots (Willie Grant yi paying attention here). What can ah say? Ah mean Liz ah can understand, she’s only goat 25 pairs oh shoes. But Nikki? What the f***s that awe aboot? She’s goat 30 odd pair o shoes! Somebody will need ti remind me why yi need any mair that one pair o shoes for f***s sake! Ah mean, how many pairs o f***ing feet have they goat?!?

Right where wis ah? Oh aye, ah need ti thank everyone for their e-mails this week. Don’t know if it’s the change of season back home but we huv had a load. Ah really appreciate them, being an egoist of course it makes me feel wanted. Nae point in being an egoist if yi dinae feel wanted, eh? Leigh went ti ma Mums wi flowers on our behalf on Mother’s Day last Sunday. She of course took Mason and he was joined by Thomas (ma brother Colin’s grandson) and Rory (ma sister Linda’s grandson). So we were sent photos of the three of them on ma mum’s settee by ma favourite niece (no mentioning any names, but thanks for that Karen).

So anyway the week came to an end yesterday Friday 27 March. Ah finished work aboot the same time as usual and got home aboot 5.15 pm. Sat doon ti a big plate o mince and tatties and a cold bottle of Crown beer (as one does of course (but don’t try it at home!)). Watched the latest episode of Pop Idol USA before setting off to the North Leagues club for a pleasant evening oot. Ma cohorts baith hud their new shoes-come-boots on so ah carried them most of the 15 minutes walk ti the club. Nikki just loves the walk (not!). Ken what ah mean? She’s jist been showered, changed and then has a ‘challenging’ walk in 24C of humidity! Yep, a wee bit sweaty when we get there with the face pack a wee bit runny! Mine’s is usually OK in case yir wondering. Anyway it was modestly busy and the turn were three women with nae instruments, so they are just singing ti backing tapes (jist like the Legion). They wir actually OK but no as many dancers this week. Had a few before setting off to the Chin for a last drink. To be quite honest ah could huv done wi ma bed by then but there yi go. However, didnae stay long before heading home and bed.

So up this morning and probably still feeling a wee bit you-know. But plans for the rest of the weekend? Quiet weekend planned and probably an early night tonight (especially after last week). The Star of course continue their (hopefully) planned move to the top league with an away game to Blairgowrie at 2.30 pm. Noticed Graeme Armstrong thinks Musselburgh have already secured a top flight position and there is therefore only one place up for grabs. Wouldn’t be so sure Graeme (unless of course you’ve gone through their last load of games and worked oot how many points they should get!). Hearts of course have no game this week because of World Cup commitments (presumably by Lithuania). Scotland away to Holland tonight in their qualifying game. Trying to think of a Scottish player in form at the moment but apart from one or two Nitten players ah cannae think o anybody! So ah suppose ah’m trying to say ah’m expecting the worst.

Well, anyway, ah’ll leave yi wi the usual parting shots. So as they say in Russia: “Olga Corbett’s a cracker”.

Ask Ozzy: Well, crivens, jings, help ma boab. A veritable plethora of questions this week. So jist in case it’s a blip ah’m goany spread them out in the coming weeks. Anyway you know who you are, so thanks for them.

First up ah’ve been asked a sensible question this week by Isobel Gunn who remembers when she followed motorcycle speedway in the past that there were some very good Aussie speedway stars and wonders if there is still a lot of speedway in Australia. Well you never hear or see any mention of it in the media but they do like their car racing with the F1 meeting at Melbourne (tomorrow actually) and Indy car racing on the Gold Coast in Queensland. They also do a lot of off-road track racing. However they do have speedway meetings all over Australia but have a whole series of races from stock cars, side-cars as well as motorbikes and senior and junior races. Apparently the 2009 final has already been held in Adelaide with a guy called Leigh Adams winning for a record 10th year. So ah suppose the answer is that it is still going strong but doesn’t seem to catch much press time. Probably much the same as back home.

Guess who ah saw this week?: Well two weeks in a row and there have been a few close things but no really that close that ah’ve said ti masel: “ F*** me that’s what’s-his-face”. Anyway closest is a guy that looks like Wattie Flockhart (long standing Star fans will remember him).

Philosopher’s corner: Is financial security a pre-requisite to personal happiness?

Fact of the week: By the age of 14, the average American child has seen 11,000 murders on TV. Again no really sure who’s counting awe this stuff, but ah’m pretty sure they’ve also seen a few on their way ti school as well!

Yours wi nae shoes on

Uncle Tom Cobbler

Episode 61

Ken what ah’m gonnae tell yi? Dae yi ever wake up and think “what a lovely bright, sunny morning” as yi flick open yir vertical Venetian blinds? What a cracking day it is already must aboot 24C ah would say. Heard you guys were getting some no bad weather so good for yi. Anyway, back to formalities, it’s 8.30 am as a sit tinkling away at the keyboard on Saturday 21 March (10.30 pm Friday back home). Sitting in ma shorts and T shirt ready for the day ahead. Ah would put the effort this week in the ‘routine’ category with a mix of the serious and not so serious. Nice night last night but more of that soon.

Well we eventually got our arseholes out of neutral and left for Taringa about mid-day (the three of us in the car). There were some big showers on the way down and we began to wonder if the match would be played. However when we got there the weather was much better and the game had just re-started after lunch. Have to tell you this first though. All the schools round about here have these signs outside with various messages like the school motto, fund raising events etc. On our way down we passed this message that said: “Swimming Gala cancelled because it was too wet”. Ah thought ti masel, f*** me, ah thought the hail idea o swimming events was that it hud ti be wet! In fact it widnae be much o a swimming gala if it wisnae wet. Anyway, yi live and learn ah suppose. Meanwhile back at the cricket Grand Final. Taringa were bowling first and eventually got them out for 88. The game was very slow and continued that way when they batted. They ended up being 73 for 7 at close of play. All to play for on Sunday.

We left about 5.30 pm and headed for the Pine Rivers v Taringa Rovers Brisbane Premier League game (or so we thought). When we arrived at the place we thought the game was meant to be held the place was in darkness. OK nae need ti panic just have a scout around the area and we would be sure to see floodlights eventually. Well we goat ti aboot 7.15 pm (15 minutes after KO) and gave up. Headed hame and straight into the beer fridge. Watched the Queensland Reds play Durban Sharks in their S14 rugby union game at Suncorp on the TV. Durban were hot favourites but ended up losing 25 - 13. Got oursels settled doon for the Hibs v Hearts game as well as speaking to Liz’s sister Jane and partner Robert on Skype/webcam. The IT comms team is building up nicely. No many Russell members though! Anyway not too much to say about the Hearts game other than to confirm a 1 - 0 home win and say that it was a poor game. Watched the early scores coming in on Sky internet and watched the beginning of Arsenal v Blackburn Rovers game. Gave up aboot 1.30 am and headed for bed.

While ah mind, ah assume you guys who watch Setanta have seen ‘Special 1 TV’ with the latex puppets of Morinho, Rooney and Goran Ericsson. If not, try and see the one with Morinho talking to Arsene, London on the phone (the ‘voyeur’ Morinho calls him) aboot signing Arse-shavin and telling him he could have got a Brazilian for £11m never mind goat his arse shaved. Priceless especially with the wee Rooney puppet on a gas bottle at the end ti stoap him from passing oot wi laughter!

Anyway goat up on Sunday morning to be greeted by the bad news that the Star had succumbed to the might of the Central league with Kirkintilloch inflicting a 2 - 0 defeat in the last eight of the Scottish Cup. I believe they were not disgraced and suffered a series of unfortunate incidents but if they had taken their chances it might have been different. Ah well, the dream ends for another season. Checked one or two other scores before a quick breakfast then on the road to Taringa about 10.30 am (me and Liz only this time). When we goat there they were still batting and ended up 136 all out; a first innings lead of 48 runs. West Brisbane started their second innings slowly but surely but then collapsed to 43 all out meaning that Taringa were victors by an innings and 5 runs. Goat into the huddle like last year for their club song started with of course ‘wir blue, wir white, wir f***ing dynamite’. Gave them my congratulations before heading back home nice and early just after 2 pm. Rest of the day was spent in glorious sunshine and a temperature of 28C. Watched some sport on TV before ma usual early bed on Sunday night.

The week at work started slowly in amongst some mixed weather. The Asian Champions league games continued this week with Newcastle Jets playing at home and Central Coast Mariners playing away from home. Jets won, Mariners drew. There are four teams in each league and the top two go through to the knock out stages. No sure if either of them will get there but ah’ll keep you abreast of events.

However we then get to Friday, our weekly outing day. This week we started with the arrival by post of our Hearts home strips which are on sale just now. Liz and Nikki came into Brisbane to ma work actually because one of our senior admin peeps offered to help Nikki do an ‘Australian’ CV and covering letter. They dae their’s in gory detail explaining how yi wiped yir erse no just the fact yi’ve done it before. Anyway it was helpful and should come in use in her search for a job. After the teach-in we were heading for the Brisbane Broncos v Melbourne Storm game in the NRL (national rugby league) at Suncorp. The usual well priced tickets and free public transport. The game was also between probably two of the best teams in the competition with the added edge that there were as many Queenslanders in the Melbourne team as the Broncos team.

We walked along George Street and popped into the Tin for a small refreshment (as one does of course). The usual busy activities going on and we ended up having a chat with a Hun who was over on safari. Decent guy (for a Hun) with a story to tell. We then left and wandered up to Caxton Street. It was much busier than with the Roar games which is hardly surprising given there were about 37,000 at the game! Good crowd from Melbourne as well (although most of them probably live and work in Brisbane). We had a few and headed for the game before the 7.30 pm start. Good atmosphere in the ground and a good game with the Broncos ending up 16 - 14 victors. Bit controversy with the Broncos’ winner coming after a blatant knock-on by them. We returned to Caxton Street for another before catching the train home. Got home via a taxi at about midnight and wandered to bed wi the Hearts strip on singing a wee song (ti dae wi Hibs supporters awe being poofs ah think).

So back to today. Well ah’m gonnae have it rescue ma car from Petrie rail station first of all after the team get oot their stratcher. After that? Well no much really planned apart from some focused shopping. Probably a lazy weekend in general but with a small BBQ tonight. The Star are of course back to the bread and butter of the league. Tough game away to Carnoustie Panmure but one they have to win to keep the pressure on those at the top of the league. KO at 2.30 pm and we will be there in thought. Hearts also have a tough one away to nae-cups Rangers today with a 3 pm KO. We live in hope. So tonight ah’ll try and last the course but nae promises.

Next week looks pretty quiet at the moment with nothing momentous planned or likely to happen.

Anyway thought ah would tell you that Liz and Nikki are still marching along finely. Liz still doing her housewife bit whilst enjoying her odd excursions with Nikki and visits to her English pal Terri who lives not far away. Nikki has never heard back from the company she got a trial with so she continues to apply for jobs and lives in hope. They obviously love the weather even although Liz finds the humidity a bit much at times. Nikki even has a bit colour about her which is something else if most people remember how white she always looked. At night we have our Skype/webcam episodes plus our sporting adventures every now and again. Nikki of course spends a chunk of her time over at Jamie’s who has his own 3 bedroom house and also doesn’t stay too far away from us.

The state election day is today. This week the electioneering has been ratched up a knot. Yi cannae go past a street corner in Brisbane without being handed a leaflet. The TV ads have also been constant with each team concentrating on slagging the other side. As I said before we cannot vote because we are just jobbies. If you asked me how ah think it will go ah reckon Labor will be back (leader Bligh) but with a reduced majority over the Liberal/Nationalists (leader Springborg) so both of them will be declaring a victory of sorts. If yi asked me who ah would vote for if ah could, it would probably be Bligh’s lot. A mixture of the devil you know, a bit more confidence in them and a bit frightened by Springborg’s lot.

Ask Ozzy: Gordon Bennett sent me a video recording of an alleged senator in Western Australia making a fool of himself by trying to explain why the front fell of a ship pouring oil into the sea. He asked if ah knew who he was? Gordon it wisnae a real interview, it was a spoof made to send up the real senator who apparently did make an arse of himself regarding said ship but not to the same extent of the guy on the video yi sent.

However seeing the rest of yi are either too shy or cannae be arsed sending any questions ah’ll ask one for yi! Would I recommend immigrating to Queensland (or Australia) at the moment? The short answer would be ‘no’, not just now. I reckon the economic situation is too risky at the moment and yi would be better staying put in yir ain wee hoose and keeping yir ain wee job and ride out the storm. Also there are job loses over here at the moment even although they have been sheltered from the worst of the recession. The immigration people are also reducing the amount of tradesmen (e.g. plumbers, joiners) they are allowing into the country. All in all better staying put just now. On the other hand, if you’re totally pissed off with your lot why not go for it!

Philosopher’s corner: Why do we always hurt the ones we love?

Yours in perpetual warmth

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 60

How’s things? Hope you are all well and full of the joys of life. OK, come on, heid up, yi’ve jist goat ti keep it gawn, there’s nothing else for it. And dinae worry, things will get better soon. Anyway ah’m up aboot 8 am (10 pm Friday night back home) on Saturday 14 March. Big, big sporting day ahead. Ah’m in ma usual position as I stare out past the pateho to a sun drenched morning. Been a mixed week weather wise and it’s currently about 21C. I would reckon this week’s effort is in the ‘routine’ category but one or two morsels to cheer even the most down trodden amongst us.

With no food shopping to do we had a leisurely morning last Saturday 7 March. Then the three of us headed off late morning for Taringa to watch their cricket team in the end of season play-offs. I meant to say that they ended up 2nd so played the 3rd team who were The Gap. Of course 1st play 4th with the winners playing in the final this weekend. The Gap were the team we went to watch them against earlier on in the season when they got well and truly slaughtered thanks to the 6 foot 14 inches guy who bowled a mean ball. When we got there early afternoon Taringa were batting and, yes, the big guy was bowling. However they had decided not to take him on and were 45 for 2 after 35 overs when we arrived. I got myself up ma old balcony position and got the XXXX in. Stayed until late afternoon and left after Taringa had scored 122 all out and The Gap were about 85 for 6 which was probably about even. They finished off on Sunday with Taringa pulling off a meritorious victory to earn a place in the Grand Final this weekend. The good news for them didn’t end there because the 4th team beat the 1st team (who won the league (and I quote) ‘by a country mile’). That means that Taringa are at home; what a bonus. Anyway we got home on Saturday early evening and just had a modest family BBQ and watched the South Africa v Australia 2nd test at cricket. I forgot to mention I was up pretty sharp last Saturday morning so ended up in bed just after 9 pm. Nae fitba viewing at awe!

So up sharp again on Sunday morning and first stop was a football round up. The Star had a great victory at home in the league against Penicuik winning 3 - 1. No reports but a good result whatever happened. Then checked a few miscellaneous scores (given that Hearts didn’t have a game) and discovered that St Mirren had bumped Celtic out the Scottish Cup with a 1 - 0 home victory. Crivens, jings, help ma boab; funny game the fitba. Yi skud a team one week 7 - 0 and the next again week they bump yi oot the cup! Over here the rugby/Aussie rules types are gearing up for a start to their season so the papers are full of it at the moment. I was round at the paper shop just after 7.30 am having already made and eaten ma breakfast (that’s worth another crivens, jings, help ma boab by the way). Got Liz rounded up and we left for a run in the car about 11 am. Went down to Dayboro before heading up Mount Mee. Stopped at the top of the ridge for a cracking view of the Glass House mountains and beyond to Moreton Bay. Then headed for Woodford stopping for a coffee/snack before ending up a Maleny. Short stroll later we headed back the short way but got caught up in an accident/roadworks on the Bruce Highway. Eventually got home around 2 pm. The rest of the day was lazy; reading papers, watching sport on TV and nice Sunday dinner courtesy of oor Liz. Off to bed at the usual working week time for the week ahead.

Rainy, cloudy start to the week but still up at 26C. European Champions league second games this week with all four English teams through to the last eight. No surprises there. Over here the Asian Champions league has started with Australia being represented by Newcastle Jets and Central Coast Mariners. As I explained before they were actually 1st and 2nd last year (it was Melbourne Victory and Adelaide Utd this year). Newcastle were last this year and Central Coast 4th. Newcastle lost, Central Coast drew.

Well a momentous occasion happened during the week. Another birthday for granddad Russell on Thursday 12 March. Got a few cards and some nice presents. I’m pretty sure ah actually got mair than ah did when a wis back home. Also thanks to all those who e-mailed me a happy birthday. You know who you are. Worked out what ah huv nae telt yi yet, naw? Had a few drinks at night to round off a pleasant evening.

Had a routine doctor’s appointment on Friday, so just took the whole day off. After that we did our food shopping so we could have our jam-packed, sporting Saturday to ourselves. Anyway Friday night came along and we had a modest bite to eat and a small refreshment in the hoose before heading off to the North Leagues club about 8 pm. That was the usual so anybody who remembers the Legion on a Saturday night can visualise what was going on over here. Same thing just no as busy and nae nutters. So ah suppose it wis nothing like the Legion then? We had our full team with Nikki now on the mend so as expected we moved on the Chin about 10.30 pm. That’s not as busy as it used to be because it’s got new management and they’ve weeded out the ‘undesirables’. Had a few before returning home for a late snack then heading to bed not long after midnight.

So back to today. We will be heading off late morning for Taringa to watch them in their first day of the cricket Grand Final against West Brisbane. Game is played over one weekend (Saturday/Sunday) with both teams playing two innings each. I would imagine Taringa are feeling pretty confident but hopefully that doesn’t turn to complacency. Not sure how we are getting there because ah think Nikki’s booked the car. Anyway we’ll get their and shout the boys on. Later in the early evening we are off to Pine Rivers pitches because the Brisbane Premier League has started and they play Taringa Rovers with a 7 pm KO. Taringa ah noticed got humped 5 - 0 away to Capalaba last week in their first game. So just like last season they are playing all their first games away from home to make way for the cricket finals. Should point out at this stage that ah noticed last week that the area of the cricket pitch at Taringa where the fitba will be played was already a disgrace and they hav’nae played any games there yet. There was a lot of complaints about the state of their pitch last year so ah can jist imagine what they are going to say this year!

After that we head home to get settled down in front of the TV for the F*** of Hibernian v Heart of Midlothian league game. The game KOs here at 10.30 pm and is live on Setanta. These games are always hard to shout but ah fancy us ti day the business at the Piggery. This will be followed by the Newtongrange Star v Kirkintilloch Rob Roy, quarter final of the Scottish Junior Cup tie at New Victoria Park with a 2.30 pm KO (12.30 am over here). Would love to be there and ah’m sure you guys are all looking forward to it. Biggest game in Graeme Armstrong’s short managerial career at the Star and I am sure he will have them up for it. Pass on ma best wishes to Graham and his team and tell him that even although ah’ll no be there, ah’ll be singing ‘wir blue, wir white, wir f***ing dynamite, Nitten Star, Nitten Star’ from 12.30 am to 2.15 am over in Brizzy. Ah suspect they will be tough to beat so ah reckon we have to take the game to them and gie them nae peace oan the baw for 90 minutes if we want to have any chance of winning. Be on Star!

So if we manage to survive that lot unscathed ah reckon the rest of Sunday 15 March will be cancelled due to lack of energy. Next week is looking quiet at the moment but who knows what might happen between now and ma next download. So ah’ll leave you ti finish reading to the end and ask you all to take care of yirsels until we meet again.

Election stuff still bumping along with only a week to go. It’s actually an offence over here not to vote, so there yi go. Don’t know if anybody has ever been arrested for not voting but ah suppose if it’s a high turn out then the threat has served it��s purpose. Ah’ll let you know what the turn outs are in due course. The Labour party are running TV ads about the Nationalist’s leader. The ads are about his recent gaffs regarding denying the recession and one about cutting back public sector jobs but only where the people are ‘de-necessary’. F***ing plonker.

Ask Ozzy: Not quite taken off the way ah had hoped but it’s early days ah suppose. Ah’ve been asked if ah can cancel somebody’s parking tickets. As much as ah would like to help ah’m afraid that’s a big ‘no-can-do’. Stevie Dorans has asked aboot a big drive-in fridge in Brisbane. Ah hud to explain ti him that loads have appeared since he was last here so he will need to narrow it doon to gie mi a chance. Ah goat the size o the chest o the wumin who served him right though!

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Nikki’s pal Danni McDougal/Potts on ma morning train. Some people will know her. And 2 or 3 sightings of female versions of Jabba the Hutt (character from the Star Wars series).

Philosopher’s corner: Never do anything for the wrong reasons.

Fact of the week: The leg of a mosquito can support 23 times the insect’s weight, while standing in water.

Yours in sporting anticipation

Frustrated Athlete

Episode 59

How’s things? Well autumn is upon us. In the coming months the daily temperature is going to plummet to 25C during the day and 18C at night. How are yi gonnae survive ah hear yi say? Well dinae worry aboot us we’ll just struggle by. Nothing else for it. Ah’m a lot better this week so ah should stay more focused (for a while anyway). It’s Saturday 7 March at 9 am (11 pm Friday back home) as I sit in ma PJ bottoms slaving away over a hot laptop. Have to say that it is absolutely gorgeous outside; bright, sunny and already 25C. Weather over the weekend’s to be nice with rain joining us at the beginning of the week. Ah’ve quite a few wee notes in front of me so this could be heading for an Ozblog of mammoth proportions today. Better crack on then, eh? However better say hello first to wee Linzi who’s joined the mailing list this week. How yi gawn pal?

We got our act together quite sharpish last Saturday 28 February so we were out food shopping late morning. We did the routine stuff at North Lakes but returned to the fruit and veg place at Lawnton because of their selection and prices. Got home early afternoon and just had a quiet day recovering, reading the papers and interneting. We decided to have a modest BBQ (becoming a habit) with the four of us in the early evening. So had our bite to eat and a small refreshment whilst popping in and out to watch the Melbourne v Adelaide A League Grand Final game. Disappointing game f***ed up by the referee with a shite sending off of an Adelaide player less than 10 minutes into the game. The player actually got his red card cancelled later in the week. No much f***ing use daein it then is there? Game was one sided after that as can be expected but the play was poor. Melbourne got a man sent off midway throught the second half as the game became in danger of exploding. Melbourne then sneaked a goal as they run out 1 - 0 winners. Don’t know if anyone troubled themselves to watch it but it was probably one of the worst games of the season. The standard of the A League is lower than back home but there are quite often good games. Rest of the night passed off with me giving up again part of the way through the Hamilton v Rangers game on Setanta at around midnight.

Woke up sharpish on Sunday for the last cricket game of the Sunday league season (my third game). Informed that the Star had an impressive 6 - 0 home win in the league against Dundee North End and move into 3rd place in the league to put pressure on Musselburgh and Penicuik. And of course with Penicuik at home today in the league at 2.30 pm this game goes in the category of a 6 pointer. Confidence must be high and with the Scottish the following week we need the right result. Also found out that Hearts stole 3 points against Dundee Uted away in the league with a 1 - 0 victory to move 5 points ahead in 3rd place.

Anyway enough of all that, had a shite, a shave and a shampoo followed by breakfast before heading off to Chermside with Jamie. The game started at 10 am but it was already 30C and sunny. The team we played absolutely destroyed Pine Rivers in their home game earlier on in the season and you could see from their body language that they were there to cruise it. They had a play-off place at stake but we had our pride. We lost the toss and were put into bat with me being chucked in at the deep end yet again with our new 17 year old wicket keeper. Felt confident and raring to go as we lined up against their finest bowlers. I ended up taking most of the initial bowls and low and behold got myself on the board with a run. Flushed with success I decided to take them on but the inevitable happened; thick edge to second slip juggled, dropped and then caught again before it hit the ground. Another top class catch; ah could not believe it. Happy to have scored at last but pissed off getting out. So at ma current rate of progress ah reckon ah will get ma century about 8 June 2064. Liz points oot (quite rightly) that ah will mair than likely be deid by then but ah live in hope.

Anyway we got to about 80 for 7 and it was looking grim. However one of the guys called Prouty who was already in was joined by big Will at that stage. They stayed in for ages with Prouty getting his 100 up and our score ending up 177 all out. A decent total but this team scored over 300 against us last time so they were still confident (if a little pissed off at taking so long to get Prouty/Will out!). We got into field/bowl and ah have to say we were quite wound up with the batsmen getting a bit stick from the guys round about them (they call it sledging). We started to pick them off one by one as we got more and more vocal shouting for every half chance at getting them out. Anyway we ended up bowling them out for less than 80 much to their disgust. I think they were amazed at a team who they thrashed earlier on in the season and had nothing to play for had turned them over so easily putting them out of the play-offs. So headed home happy but tired again from my exertions. No as young as a used to be you know. Slouched about for the rest of the day before having an early night.

Back to normal at work this week with mixed feelings. In other words, I missed the authority but not the workload. Liz and Nikki have been no weel awe week. Liz has had flu like syptoms as has Nikki but she also has problems with her kidneys again. She is getting checked to find out what needs to be done.

Before ah go any further ah need to tell you an event that happened on ma Tuesday morning train trip into Brisbane. For those of a queasy nature ah would skip the rest of this paragraph, now! Sitting on the train with my iPod going and minding ma own business when this really good looking 25 to 30 year old walks in and sits in ‘line of sight’ about three seats away. She was smartly dressed, tanned, cool shades on and well styled blond hair. She is also about 4 to 5 months pregnant. She sat for a bit and then started howking her nose! No just a wee discrete polk but a full blown howk, followed by a wee check, a wee roll into a ball and then casually flicked it over her shoulder. Ah thought ti masel, f*** me what was that all about. Well just when ah was getting over it there she goes straight up to the bridge again and oot it comes. Couldnae f***ing believe it. Well this went on all the way into town. Ah cannae believe naebody else saw it but I’m pretty sure a murder could happen on some of ma train journeys and naebody would notice! Well jist when yi think yi’ve seen it awe something like that happens. Ah wis shocked and stunned.

She actually got on the same train on Wednesday but fortunately sat well doon the train but ah could still see her. Kept ma eyes off her so ah don’t know if she did a repeat performance. However whey did come on the train was the special guy who leaves stuff under the seat. He’s no been on for a while but when he did get on he sat quite close to me. Sure enough he was no sooner sat down when he opened his backpack and pulled out a handful of papers and magazines stuffing them under his seat on to the flair. He then went in the next zip area and pulled out more papers (one of which I was sure was that morning’s Courier Mail!) and stuffed them under the seat. He then grabbed a load of other stuff like elastic bands, empty plastic tubes and the like and stuffed them under the seat. Ah’ve named him the Messenger. Now if we’ve goat any psychologists oot there ah wouldnae mind your take on his antics. Until then ah’ll chuck in a view o ma ain. Ah think he’s scared to dispose of his worldly possessions and he thinks that by putting them on a train they will be taken ti a greater place hence safeguarding their future wellbeing. Alternatively his wheelie bin could jist be foo and he’s using the train as overspill!

Wednesday night and the Jambos consolidated their league position with a stout 2 - 1 victory at home to Motherwell. Might not be playing that well but still holding on to that ‘non-old firm’ championship winning position! Ah also forgot to mention but Australia are currently involved in qualifying for the Asian Nations Championship finals at fitba (as well as the World Cup). It will be low key back home because they are actually playing A League players only. They started with a fine 0 - 0 draw away to Indonesia (a powerhouse in world fitba (ma f***ing arse!)) and played Kuwait at home in Canberra on Thursday night. The score was a 1 - 0 defeat thanks to a very embarrassing performance. No saying any more.

Ah promised some feedback about the election events as they unravel. Local campaigners stand at road junctions with their banners and wave to all the passing motorists. Couldnae see it happening at hame without bricks being thrown at them. Press coverage is quite odd with them criticising the party recently in power as if they are still in power which to me is biased reporting. The other lot don��t seem to get much press because they don’t seem to be daein anything! They even seem to be in denial about there being a global financial crisis at the moment. Weird. Hope it warms up soon.

On Friday 6 March, Liz and Nikki went food shopping to North Lakes so saves me doing it today. Anyway ah finished ma work at the normal time and was back in th hoose before 5.30 pm. Had a bite to eat and a few drinks before me and Liz headed off for the North Leagues club. Nikki wis still no up to it so she stayed put. Got there aboot 8 pm and settled down with a drink. Listened to the special band and watched the special dancers. The drink is relatively cheap up there so we actually stayed awe night (until about 11.30 pm anyway). We usually just move on because of Nikki and her “ah’m no f***ing staying in this shit hole awe night” attitude (bless her cotton socks!). Had a jolly wee night to ourselves before weaving our way home. When we got in ah was a bit tired but ah set up our home DVD player so Liz could watch whatever when ah went to bed. Not sure how long she lasted but the place in kindae tidy which makes me think it wisnae too long.

So the rest of today? Well one of the reasons for yesterday’s shopping was that ah plan to go back to Taringa today to watch them in their cricket league finals. If you remember last year they won their league and their final and got promoted. So they have reached the same stage in the higher league which is well done. Hope to meet auld acquaintances and have a few beers (as one does of a Saturday). I think Nikki is giving me a lift but no sure. Later we plan to have a wee BBQ before settling down to the UK fitba later on tonight. Heart of Midlothian are off this weekend due to being dumped out of the Scottish Cup so today will be another good result for them! Ah hope to last the course tonight but let’s just see how the rest of the day unfolds.

Next week there is not much planned or of note looming on the horizon but again you never know what’s round the corner. So ah’m coming to an end of this week’s effort and there is nothing left (apart from the usual parting shots) but to wish you all the best and ah’ll be with you soon. Take care.

Ah thought ah would start a wee “Ask Ozzy” spot. Ken what ah mean, ask me anything aboot Brisbane, Queensland or whatever and ah will gie yi a reply. Awe the best ones will be included in future episodes of the Ozblog. No question will be considered too small to too stupid, just go for it. So get yir thinking hats on and ask Ozzy!

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Naebody really but ah’m still sure the special dancers at the North Leagues club have been in Nitten Legion.

Philosopher’s corner: It’s always great to look back with the benefit of hindsight and say you could have done this better or that differently. That’s fine, but don’t have any regrets. Make your best judgement call at the time and that’s the end of it.

Fact of the week: Ingrown toenails are usually inherited. So ah suppose when yir sitting there at the reading of the will yi can expect ti git handed an envelope foo o taenails, naw? Is that no what that means?

Yours in Brisbane

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 58

Awe right, awe right; jist wait the now! Ah, that’s better at least ah can see the f***ing screen now. Jist hud a life saving Alka Selzer XS and ma sight’s back thank f***! Try and type a letter without being able to see the screen and see how difficult it is. In case yi huvnae worked it oot we were oot for a small refreshment last night but more of that later on. A few things ti tell yi aboot this week but most of it is in the ‘could have lived if yi hudnae telt mi that’ category. Anyway ah’m up far too early again for someone who has just hud his monthly consumption of alcohol units in 5 hours. But as ah look outside from ma kennel we are bathed in glorious sunshine and it’s already 20C at 7 am (9 pm Friday night Nitten time) on the morning of Saturday 28 February. Sitting in ma PJ bottoms as a download this week’s epistle. Gid word ‘epistle, eh? No sure where ah goat it fi either. Funny how yi pick up words that yi yaise every now and again but yir never sure where yi heard them first of all? For example when was the first time yi heard the word ‘curious’ and did yi ken what it meant right away? Or wir yi jist curious? Right ah’m better now. Where wis ah? Oh aye, Ozblog. Must write Ozblog.

Anyway we eventually got our act together last Saturday 21 February and left early afternoon for food shopping to North Lakes. Arrived home mid-afternoon and settled down to lazy day with reading the papers and catching the sport on the TV being the most energetic things we did. Early evening we let Nikki and Jamie know we were having a BBQ and they should feel free to join in whenever. Of course at 6 pm I was inside full of anticipation to watch the Adelaide Utd v Queensland Roar in the preliminary final in Adelaide. The Roar started off bright enough but started to lose their way after about quarter of an hour. Hard to put your finger on it but it was just not happening at both ends of the park. Fair bit of possession but without being really threatening. I’m not a great believer in bogey teams but they definitely have a hoodoo sign over the Roar. Anyway some loose play ended up being punished after about half an hour with a cracking strike by Adelaide. 1 - 0 doon and ah was starting to shout at certain Roar players who were making basic mistakes. Got to half time and ah hud ti get the BBQ started. Missed most of the second half but we huffed and puffed to no avail ending up loosing by that one goal. Bit the dust at the same stage as last year with the same substandard performance. Anyway there’s always next season!

BBQ and a few beers went down well as we started to move into back home fitba time. Got masel ready but only lasted until three quarters of the way through the Aston Villa v Chelsea game. Off to bed but up sharpish to find the glorious news that the famous Newtongrange Star had beaten Lanark Utd away from home 2 - 1 to move into the last eight of the Scottish Junior Cup. Yahoo! Also sent a nice photo of the Isobel twins celebrating the victory at Lanark courtesy of Ricky Quinn’s iPhone. Brilliant result but now there are two home league games to sort out with first up Dundee North End today and a 2.15 pm KO. Found out later on in the week that we had drawn Kirkintilloch Rob Roy in the quarter final at home. As ah noted in some of ma midweek exchanges with the likes of Gordon Bennett and Stevie Dorans yi can only ask for a home tie in this round because all the teams are good. Also found out that Hearts succumbed to a late St Mirren equaliser to draw 1 - 1 at home but still managed to hold onto 3rd place. Ho, hum.

A few domestics to take care of on Sunday 22 February but we left late morning for a trip down to Redcliffe and a walk along the shore. Nice day with the odd shower going about, a wee bit windy on occasions but still about 28C. Returned early afternoon and settled down to mair strenuous paper reading and sport watching. Tried no ti burn masel oot but had an early night again readying masel for the rigours of the week ahead.

On Monday 23 February we were greeted by the news that the state premier Anna Bligh has called an early election. Probably one of the worst kept secrets of all time but perfectly understandable under the circumstances. If she hud hung aroond for the budget in June she would have been slaughtered when the due date for the election came along in September due to the current economic situation. The election is on 21 March and there is guaranteed to be fun and games between now and then. We are of course just jobbies and can’t vote in their elections. Who cares? Anyway I will pass on any funnies in the coming weeks.

Ah need to pass this one oan. This is something that has been bothering me for a while. Aye, even before ah left ti come over here. No matter how careful ah um when ah’m ha’in ma denner most of what ah um trying ti eat ends up all over ma puss or oan the table. Ah don’t think it’s anything ti dae wi age ah just think it’s ma food jist no prepared ti surrender quietly. Ken, it’s sitting oan the plate saying ti itself (and it’s mates) ‘if he thinks ah’m gawn doon there he kin get ti f*** anytime he wants’. So it ends up dodging the mooth and landing somewhere ah dinae want it to go. Liz shouts at me aboot making a mess but ah cannae help it, ma food is ganging up against mi. Sometime ah’m sure that there is mair food lying aboot than has gawn doon ma throat. Weird eh? Maybe oor food’s being invaded by nano-aliens and they cannae take over the world if they get shiten oan and land up in the nearest ocean! Or maybes naw? Jist thought ah wid gie yi something ti think aboot as yir eating yir breakfast. Dinae blame yirsel if yir egg lands oan the flair.

So back to yesterday Friday 27 February. Nikki’s trial at work went well and she is due to hear soon if they are keeping her oan. She’s confident she did well but ah’m keeping it low key in case of disappointment. Watch this space. Ah of course completed ma fourth and last week as Director and ah huv ti say that despite the added workload and demands generally ah huv really enjoyed this, ma longest, stint to date.

Anyway we decided on a family outing yesterday. We all met up at Central Station in Brisbane CBD and headed downstairs to the packed Grand Central hotel for a small refreshment. It had been a nice day and it seemed that more ‘heading home’ people than normal were in for a drink. Managed to squeeze into the bar and impressed an Irish bloke who said ti me: “You Australian folk normally jist stand back and wait yir turn, weel done son”. Of course as soon as ah spoke he jist went ‘for f***s sake ah might huv guessed’. Anyway he confessed to be drinking mild beer but ah wisnae ti tell anybody because he’s Irish. Ah of course pointed oot that it wouldnae matter anyway, whey wid f***ing believe mi!

So we had a couple and then back up to the station to catch a train to Inderpilly our old stomping ground when we stayed in Taringa. Remember? Hello, is there anybody in? Got off and headed up the hill to the Pig & Whistle. The walk reminded us of how hilly the f***ing place was! Anyway we got in and noticed a few bar staff who were there before, as we settled down for a drink and an evening meal. It was really busy in fact so busy we had to move to the general drinking area to give someone our eating area seats. Had a few more and settled down to the turn. Yir no goanae believe it! Ah, well done Willie Grant, the band wir called ‘Salmon’. Funny that, efter awe that time it’s still the same band. Even funnier thing was though that ah hud never seen the bloke before! Strange that, eh? Anyway we eventually left (is anybody counting the drinks so far by the way?) and caught the bus to Toowong and the Royal Exchange Hotel. Still as busy as ever and crammed with the usual young folk. Decent young band oan and we took front seats to catch the events of the night unfolding. Eventually left for the 11 pm train back home. Liz and Nikki thought it took ages but ah cannae mind much aboot it funnily enough. Got back to Petrie aboot midnight and grabbed a taxi home. Almost straight to bed but once again ah’m wondering why ma body’s goat me up at this time. Maybe the nano-aliens are in ma beer as well? Aye that’s what it’ll be!

So the rest of the weekend. Well ah’m no expecting to be joined anytime soon by ma troops so it will be a leisurely start to the day.

STOP PRESS: Liz has jist goat up and made me scrambled egg on toast and went back ti bed. What a f***ing hero that wumin is! Ah’ll pick the rest o the egg up of the flair later oan, awe right?

The weather forecast is sunny both days with a max of 31C today and 34C tomorrow. Ach well, jist need ti grin and bare it ah suppose. Tonight is the Grand Final of the A League between Melbourne and Adelaide. Stevie Dorans reliably informs me that you lot can watch it on SKY sports early Saturday morning if you are interested. And see if yir no interested, well it’s still oan SKY sports on Saturday morning! We will of course be watching it and wondering ‘what if’ as far as the Roar are concerned. Hearts are away to Dundee Uted today with a 3 pm KO. Any result there will be a good one.

Tomorrow is the last game of the season for the Sunday cricket crowd. Game is doon at Chermside again and an early start. Oh dear! Will ah get ma first runs oan the board ah hear yi asking. Well yi’ll jist need to wait until next week ti find out when the roving reporter does his match report. Ah can feel it in ma water!

We’re also starting to build up a formidable Skype team with Lynne Lamb, Eskbank and Tracy Taylor, Townsville (ex Aberdeen) added this week. Now up to a mammoth team of four. What ur the rest o yi up ti? Get your fingers oot! Anyway enough of all this ah’m away for a relaxing sit in the pateho to catch the early morning rays! Auf weidersehn (as they say in Arniston).

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Scrappy Gray carrying a load o beers oot of Dan Murphys in North Lakes shopping centre (nothing new there anyway!) and ma youngest brother Brian complete wi glasses and that shitey wee beard o his heading for QUT (uni).

Philosopher’s corner: Don’t wait until yi see the light at the end of the tunnel; get up there and switch it on yir f***ing sel.

Fact of the week: The word pixel is a contraction of “picture cell” or “picture element”. Some of you lot might have known that but ah just found oot during the week. Learn something new every day so yi do.

Yours in a pile o food

Mucky Eater

Episode 57

Well it’s happened. It had to happen eventually. That Nikki has been offered a job. Honest. It’s from a family company down in Virginia about 10 km from us. They are called Peppertown and the bit she will start with make plastic play toys for gardens, parks etc. Won’t bore you with the details but she starts on Tuesday 24 February so we will see how it goes from there. Watch this space.

Anyway, how’s things people? See you lot are getting a touch of summer weather just now so the sporting weekend is looking on (unless pitches are flooded of course!). So to get the formalities out the way, it’s 9 am Saturday 21 February (11 pm Friday for the Nitten folk) as I sit here in perfect isolation. A bit cloudy outside but already 23C. Been a bit unsettled this week but that’s the way it goes. The troops are in bed and I don’t expect to be interrupted some time soon. Fair bit a stuff to go through today so ah hud better crack on.

My internet problems continued last Saturday 14 February. However ah took a time-out to go to North Lakes shopping centre for the week’s food and drink (well maist o the week anyway). We got home mid-afternoon and as predicted the rain had put paid to any cricket. So we relaxed most of the afternoon before heading to Liz’s pals Terri (and Gavin) for a BBQ. They have a big covered area so the BBQ was sheltered from the continuing showers. We started with a few beers and some nibbles before having the cooked stuff about 7 pm. Nikki joined us for a while but me and Liz eventually left about 11 pm and made our shortish walk home. Ah foolishly tried a shortcut through the adjacent house building site but ended up ti ma ankles in mud. Ah should have f***ing known that building sites + loads of rain = mud but drink does funny things ti yir judgement so it does. Anyway got hame and Liz got the shoes in the sink for a scrub. Watched a bit football before retiring about midnight.

Up early because surprisingly the cricket was on. Checked and noticed the Star’s game was off as predicted and the Hearts beat Aberdeen 2 - 1 at home to go 3rd in the league. Their unpredictability is becoming unpredictable. Got picked up by Jamie and headed for Pine Rivers pitch just after 9 am. It was melting when we got there with the temperature being about 28C. We went into bowl first again and borrowed one of the opposition’s ‘floating’ players to make up the numbers. We bowled and fielded no bad getting them all out for 137. Ah thought ‘we have a chance today’ until ah was sent in to open the batting again. The captain can only be daein this because ah’m f***ing daft no because ah can play a bit. Slight improvement this week with their opening bowlers being no bad. Stayed in for about 4 overs before succumbing to a very thin edge caught by the wicket keeper. And ma score? Still f*** ing never scored, OK! However small steps, small steps. Anyway we ended up winning by about 4 wickets for their first win of the season (and they’ve only one more game to go in a fortnights time!). Got home and got the gear out to dry before settling down to the FA Cup replays on Setanta and a bite to eat courtesy of Liz. Headed to bed early with the expected aches and pains. Dinae worry ah’m tough.

Fortunately the rail strike was called off at the weekend so it was situation normal on Monday 16 February. Busy day at work which basically continued all week. Also found out that the Director role continues for another week which is nice. Have to pass this one on, so if you’ve heard it before apologies. Guy at work shows me an e-mail with a Scottish story and asks me if it is likely to be true. I looked at it, burst oot laughing and said ‘guaranteed’. The story? Well here goes:

U2 in concert in Glasgow and Bono comes on the stage as the crowd go wild. He hushes them down and when they’re silent he starts clapping his hands slowly. After a bit he says: “Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies”. At that a wee voice in the front row shouts: “ Well stop f***ing daein it ya cruel b***ard!”. Absolutely priceless!

Anyway Tuesday’s road safety committee presentation was well accepted including the Scottish accent. Got a few accolades so maybe the star (of destiny) is still on the brow. Tuesday night I eventually got broadband to work and had an almost flawless Skype/webcam episode between me and Liz/Leigh and Mason. Yes, cracked it. Internet connection faster as well. Smokin!! Nae hudin me back now. Get Skype downloaded, buy a webcam and search on Liz’s e-mail address and that us connected. Couldn’t be easier. Also got access back to ma auld Wanadoo e-mail address so if you want to use that again feel free.

Got sent a Daily Record article that said that Les McKeown’s (ex singer for the Bay City Rollers) wife has just found out he was a poof. How has she just found that out? Ah thought everybody kent that that was the only way auld Tam P would allow yi in the band. Or um ah missing something here?

So yesterday, Friday 20 February, ah got home the usual time and had a bite to eat and a small refreshment out of the fridge. Decided to head for the North Leagues club later on. Got there and the usual basic band and special dancers were in full swing. Actually found $40 on the floor and handed it in, what a hero. However if nae takers ah get ti keep it which will be nice. We stayed there for a fair bit before seeing the night out at the Chin. It was actually quite quiet which is unusual so we had one or two before heading home the back of midnight. Liz was raring to go but ah succumbed to tiredness and left her too it. There’s DVDs and drink oan the flair this morning so must have been a good one.

Not much plans really this weekend but once the boss gets up we will discuss what she wants ti get up to. We are at a sports transition in Australia at the moment. The A League and cricket is about to finish and the local fitba plus three rugby codes are about to start namely, Aussie nae-rules (Brisbane Lions), rugby league (Brisbane Broncos) and rugby union (Queensland Reds). The Reds have already started their S14 games (4 Aussie teams, 5 New Zealand and 5 South African) and have a fair bit travelling to get to games as you would imagine. Tonight is the big game for the Roar away to Adelaide Utd in the preliminary final with the winners away to Melbourne in the Grand Final next weekend. The KO is 6.30 pm (8.30 am back hame) with the game being live on FOX sports. Interesting build up to the game with Adelaide’s form having fell away since their defeat in the final of the Asian Champions league. They actually got beaten in the game before this by Melbourne 6 - 0 on aggregate. After the second game which they lost 4 - 0 in Melbourne (4 - 0 after half an hour) their manager took a flaky and said they would never win anything followed by calling Adelaide a ‘piss-ant’ town which has really pleased the locals. Their manager is Aurelio Vidmar the brother of Tony who played for Rangers. Now ah’m no one to read too much into the build up to games and when they are going well or badly but ah huv ti say ah’ve never seen a team in such disarray in ma puff. So it’s looking good from where ah’m sitting.

We of course have the much awaited 5th round of the Scottish Cup tie between Nitten Star and Lanark Utd today. KO 2.15 pm and the prospects are looking good for the game being on. Got a sneaky feeling we will go through but it might take a replay to do it. The Jambos are home to Celtic reserves (remember 1986?) with a 3 pm KO. Who knows what will happen there? I would imagine we will be up watching the fitba on the TV with the early game being Aston Bungalow v Chelsea which could be a cracker. Keep us in touch with events in Lanark.

So next week ah continue in ma Director’s role (could get used to it) and that Nikki starts work. So the next epistle could be interesting. Well maybe no as much stuff as ah though this week (probably forgot a few thing) so ah’ll take ma leave. Cheers!

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Everybody ah looked at! Seriously, nae real look-alikes this week and ah will only report the truth in this section.

Philosopher’s corner: A friend is one who knows all about you but likes you just the same.

Yours on the edge o ma seat

Roary Pissant

Episode 56

Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you all to bits. Well it’s been a mixed week weatherwise with it pissing of rain all day yesterday. Still it’s been between 27 and 33C all week so cannae grumble too much. As usual you find me in ma kennel typing away furiously at ma laptop keyboard. Having a few internet problems at the moment that are pissing me off but ho hum life goes on. It’s 9 am Saturday 14 February (11 pm Friday back hame) and it’s still raining a bit so nae cricket today I would imagine. A few things to tell you this week so must push on.

Once we got ourselves organised last Saturday 7 February, we went the usual food shopping but tried something different. We had been told that the local fruit and meat market at Lawnton was the best place to buy our stuff. It’s the same distance away but heading south west whereas North Lakes is east of us. And they were right so we got loads of fruit and some meat. We finished off by getting the remainder of our stuff at the local Woollies at Kallangur (which has less choice than the bigger shops). Anyway we got home and Liz decided she was going nowhere but me and Nikki got the gear together and headed for Jamie’s cricket game which was at Chermside again. With 18 pitches most teams up here play their away games down there. The weather was superb being sunny and well over 30C as we settled in the shade to watch the game. Pine Rivers were batting and their opponents Nundah fielding which was good because if baith teams had been batting it wouldnae have been much of a game! Anyway ah wouldnae have liked to have been fielding because Pine Rivers kept them out their for 4 hours in the melting heat before declaring at aboot 250. These games are played over consecutive Saturdays and this was day one. I left to watch the other A League semi-final on TV but found oot Nundah lost two early wickets and there wis almost a fight between the teams. Looks like the place to be today if the weather hasn’t already put paid to that.

We decided to have a wee BBQ (as one does in the melting heat or have you lot forgotten aboot that?) so after the Adelaide v Melbourne game ah got the gas BBQ kindled up and got the steaks, burgers, sausages etc on the go. Liz got the complimentary food organised and the four of us sat in the pateho having a bite to eat and a small refreshment. Later we had a long session with Leigh and Mason on MSN with a two hours break at one stage. The links were much better for a change. Later ah got the internet and TV organised for the fitba night ahead. However ah was left on ma own as everyone buggered off and left me! Ah lasted until the start of the second half of the Chelsea and Hearts games before giving up.

Got up slightly later on Sunday 8 February for breakfast and the obligatory shite, shave and shampoo. Found out the Star game was off due to snow and ice and Hearts lost 1 - 0 to Falkirk. When ah left to go to bed we seemed in total control from the internet commentary but ah believe that Dougie “do the Hearts in at any chance” McDonald decided he would sort us out again by being his usual wee biased f***ing-self!?! Thanks once again Dougie, ah hope yir next shite’s a hedgehog. Right ah’m OK now. Anyway we had a really lazy day and with it being over 30C and sunny again it was probably the best thing to do in any case. And in case yir thinking ah’ve been pensioned off the cricket team dinae worry they only play every second Sunday morning.

One thing ah should have mentioned is some of the natural disasters happening in Australia over the last two weeks. First of all there were sporadic forest fires in New South Wales due to the heat but the worst fires were in Victoria. I know that the latter event has become world news because of the scale of the devastation. What happened was due to freak winds, hot air from the centre had passed down to Adelaide and Melbourne where they were getting regular daily temperatures above 45C. This lead to wide spread forest fires with more than 180 people being killed. What made it worse was that some of the fires were started deliberately and got out of control. They were apparently travelling at unbelievable speeds on occasions and there were horrendous pictures of a row of cars all burnt out in one village that were full of people trying to flee from the fires but got caught out by its speed. People’s lives and possessions taken in seconds.

Then you have Queensland with so much rain in the north and west that 60% was under water at one stage. Areas such as Townsville had their worst floods ever and they happened twice in days. So people who had just got cleaned up had to do it all again. Add fresh water crocs floating about then you’ve got a nightmare scenario. There was at least one report of someone missing likely to be taken by a stray croc.

So maybe you guys should be glad awe you’ve got is yir arses being frozen off!

This week at work wasn’t as hectic as ah thought it would be, so no worries there. Got ma broadband on Monday and it set up great until the very last stage. How come anything IT always f***ing does that? So spent an hour and a half on the phone ti Optus helpdesk without any success. Popped down to Lawnton indoor cricket nets on Tuesday for a bit practise. Great set up with a bowling machine that fires baws at any speed and length. Tried ma best but it was actually quite difficult to judge the speed and bounce. Anyway ah will be back!

Wednesday night was of course Japan v Australia in the World Cup final qualifying group in Japan. They had a funny team oot and were quite fortunate to come away with a 0 - 0 draw. Japan had loads of possession and got behind them on the flanks quite a lot but had no real good final pass players or goal scorers in their team which was just as well. Anyway, now well on their way to South Africa 2010. Also Liz had a word with her sister Helen (with daughter Grace in the background) from Doncaster on Skype/webcam on Thursday night. Wireless internet network was playing up but at least they could see each other and have a stuttering conversation. Better than nothing as they say.

So raining yesterday but no bad enough to put the second leg of the Minor A League semi-final off. If you remember the Roar beat Central Coast Mariners 2 - 0 away from home in the first leg last week. When ah finished work at about 5 pm ah made ma way along George Street to the Tin where ah met Liz, Nikki and Jamie. Had a swift one before making our way up to Caxton Street to join the throng. Had a couple and were joined by Stevie Lawson (Alan Prentice’s mate) for a blether. He introduced us ti the auld Hearts goalie Ray Dunlop who has been over here for a while. Anyway we headed for the game just after 7 pm (7.30 pm KO). Got in and settled doon with food and drink in a crowd of about 24,000. Due to a communication breakdown we were in two different rows with Liz in front of us three. Game was no too bad with the Roar scoring first on the 20 minute mark which put the game beyond the Mariners. We added to this in the second half before they drew one back with a poorly defended goal. So we ended up winning 2 - 1 on the night and 4 - 1 on aggregate and march on to the play off game.

So ah suppose ah’ll need ti explain this now. Well Adelaide play away to Melbourne tonight in the second leg of the Major semi final (because they were first and second in the league). Melbourne are at home and like the Roar are 2 - 0 up from the first leg. So if as expected that Melbourne win, then we are away to Adelaide next week to play off for a slot in the Grand Final against Melbourne the following week. Follow awe that? Well ah don’t blame yi if yi don’t because it’s far to complicated for me as well. What ever happened ti the team at the top of the league efter awe the games are played winning it? Is that no a bit mair straight forward? Too close ti the Americans this lot!

So we headed home wet but happy and ended up in the Chin for an hour or two before weaving our own merry ways home.

So back to today, the rest of the day is in doubt because of the rain although we are due over at Liz’s pal Terri for a BBQ and small refreshment later on today. We’ll see what happens there. The Star are meant to be away to Lanark Utd today in the 5th Round of the Scottish Cup but ah’m pretty sure that will be off already given the weather you guys have had in the last week. Hearts are at home to Aberdeen today with a 3 pm KO and god only knows what will happen there! I am meant to be playing cricket tomorrow but the weather might have a say in that. However it is meant to improve starting about now.

Next week is a funny one with a rail strike due on Monday and Wednesday. Given the reliance people have on the trains (our line is the busiest in Brisbane) and how busy the roads are normally ah think if ah get a bus (for example) it will just sit in a queue on the main road getting nowhere fast. So ah’m no really sure what ah will get up ti. Still Director next week and ah really need to be in because I’m doing a road safety presentation to a state parliamentary committee on Tuesday and ah don’t know what ah’m going ti say yet!

Footnote: I am currently internet-less (wireless and broadband) so ah don’t know if/when this will get sent!

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Gary Blues wi a skateboard on ma daily commute train. Dinae dae it Gary, jist ask John Morgan what happened ti him! And Catherine Bennett. Yep, nice wumin gets on the train and sits reading her book before quietly getting off at Central Station. Of course ah half expect her to come on one morning wi a drinks trolley and offer me a cocktail!

Philosopher’s corner: Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.

Fact of the week: Two plus two equals four.

Yours in IT nothingness

I Solated

Episode 55

How’s it hingin people? Have to start by saying ah heard aboot Keith Janacek (sorry aboot the spelling) dying of a heart attack and couldn’t believe it. Yi jist never know when its your turn di yi? Anyway ah’m up sharp this morning but ah’m no sure why. It’s 8 am Saturday 7 February (10 pm Friday night for the frozen masses back hame) as ah sit in ma usual spot wi ma jammy bottoms on doing the doos. Had a quick pop outside and the sun is streaming down with the temperature about 25C already. Forecast to be a cracking day as well (max 31C) so looking forward to that. As ah hinted, heard you guys are freezing your arses off again back home. How much suffering do you guys need before the penny drops and you get yourself oot here ti join me?

So suffering ah wee bit this morning as ah sit here having just finished an Alka Selzer Xcess and stopping to go for water and a black coffee. Had a decent if busy week with the weather being mostly unsettled but warm and muggy. Liz struggles a wee bit wi the muggy bit but ah love it. Ah was obviously born in the wrong country! Ah huv a fair bit to relate this week but a small reminder is required prompted by feedback (always on the case of the customer you know). To remind everyone why this epistle exists. It is merely to keep family and friends up to date with our ongoing, weekly life down under. It’s not to please the masses or to entertain the great unknown. However if that happens, well sobeit because I know this is passed on to a few folk by you lot. No problem with that but remember it’s primary purpose. Anyway enough of this pish, let’s get started.

Ah realised after ah hud sent off last week’s epistle that ah hadn’t pointed oot that despite not having too much alcohol on Friday ah wasn’t feeling too clever on the morning of Saturday 31 January. So when we went our weekly food shopping to North Lakes I wasn’t feeling too keen on wandering about too much. Anyway shopping done we decided to catch the later part of Jamie’s bigger cricket team’s game down at Chermside. Nikki was already there so we got our foldy chairs and Eski doon and joined her. Game was quick with Pine Rivers (Jamie’s team) winning by one wicket having scored a mammoth 54 for 9. I persuaded Jamie to take me back to the nets at Pine Rivers’ pitches which are at the north end of Kallangur. So he hammered a few balls at me as I tried to hammer them back. We lasted about an hour before we gave up and headed home for a bite to eat. Early evening we eventually had a stop start talking/webcam session with Leigh trying both Skype and MSN. Looks promising with a solution currently being worked on. My dodgy wireless internet connection is probably not helping so we will be converted to broadband soon and we will see how that goes. At night I was knackered so I gave up about 10.30 pm and went to bed.

I therefore didn’t find out until Sunday 1 February that the Star had gathered a good three points away to a 9 man Fauldhouse team. Of course with all other teams up the top of the league winning no in-road was made on the lead of the teams above them. Spotted that Nitten drew Lanark Utd away in the 5th Round of the Scottish Junior Cup. Likely to be a tough game but why shouldn’t we be in the last 8 rather than them? A Hearts in turmoil lost away to Hamilton 2 - 0. What can ah say?

So early Sunday morning Jamie and I headed for Chermside (they have about 18 pitches down there so I’ll leave you to work out how much space that lot takes up!) for my Australian cricket debut. This league they are in is low down in the pecking order but some of the teams have good players who play for top teams on a Saturday. Kind of like the auld Bonnyrigg football Sunday league who had a Star’s Club team who were shit hot. Just so happens we are playing a local plumbing firm who have a few top Saturday league players (like the Star’s Club again). We fielded first but only had 9 men so ah hud ti run aboot (honest). Anyway the other team ended up aboot 250 all out. For some reason they asked me to open the batting. I suspect they knew the other team would be battering in at first with their heavy duty bowlers. However ah wisnae giving a f***, bring on yir worst ah thought to masel. Ah took ma first bowl in the second over from this shooge bloke who as predicted came firing in. So, hold it there a moment, you will now need to remember the next event took place in about 1.7 seconds. The guy unleashes one and ah’m thinking great ah can see it. Ah huv a swipe at it and catch the ball with a thick edge of the bat. Ah look roond expecting it to be heading for a four only to see this guy juggling the baw at second slip before eventually catching it 3 inches from the grund. Oot for a duck, first ball. F*** me, ma career in tatters before it starts. So ah trudge off and watch the rest struggle on to aboot 150 all out. Jamie was not out again and understandably pissed off that no-one stays with him at the crease for long enough (no me anyway!). Headed hame totally knackered, grabbed a bite to eat before heading for an early bed.

So up early as usual on Monday morning feeling a wee bit stiff but ah’ve been worse. However I was attending a meeting a Toowoomba about 150 kilometres away (a spit in Aussie terms) but nae cramp during the drive back and forward and the day passed without any major physical relapses. Tough week at work again with Director’s role becoming more demanding as they gain knowledge and confidence about what ah can do. Apart from that a quiet week life wise really without too many dramas.

Have to confess though that by the time it got to yesterday (Friday 6 February) ah wis looking forward to a few beers. So got home reasonably sharp got changed and sat outside wi a coffee (breaking masel in gently). Had a bite to eat and got the internet up and tuned into Leigh with both Skype and MSN. Also had the fitba on as the Roar took on Central Coast Mariners away in their first leg of the Minor semi-final (still no explaining yet so yi will jist have ti wait, OK?) with a 7 pm KO. Watched the first half in the hoose over a few beers and lost the plot at the officials and the commentators resulting in the TV being muted before it went through the French windaes! Anyway the Roar scored on the half hour mark courtesy of a good corner finished by young Nicholls. At half time we ended up talking to and watching Leigh and Mason (chucking his breakfast aboot and trying to destroy the computer keyboard (boys will be boys will be boy-oy-oy-oyz)). Missed the second half but ma pal van Dijk scored wi a penalty 10 minutes intae the second half. We left the hoose for the North Leagues club before the end of the game having had a stop-start IT engagement wi (a snawed in) Leigh and Mason.

Got up to the club and found out it ended up 2 - 0 for the Roar wi wee Danny Tiato having been sent off. This was inevitable and was one off the reasons the TV got muted back hame. So it’s just as well as wisnae hame watching it because oor next door neighbours wid ah’ve hud a TV they didnae want! His second ‘offence’ was one perfectly described by Yogi (ex-Nitten Star and now manager of Falkirk) the other week on Setanta when one of his players did the perfect tackle (hit the ba and travelled on to make contact wi the man) and got sent off. He quite eloquently put it: “The player’s only watching the ball and therefore tackled and hit the ba. What di yi want him ti dae next? F***ing disappear? His momentum is going to continue and he will come in contact wi whatever’s there or nothing!”. Poxy referee b***ards!!! AFA w***, w***, w***; AFA w***, w***, w***!

OK ah’m better noo. So us three members got in the club and settled doon for a drink, listen to the Fourskin Five and watch the daft folk dancing. Liz’s pal Terri was in the bingo lounge somewhere wi her mother (over from England (we’ve awe got oor cross ti bare!)) and husband. We met them later on over a few beers and eventually left and went hame via their hoose for a beer. Eventually made oor way home and too bed aboot something o’clock.

So here ah um doing ma stuff. This weekend? Well nothing really planned but ah’m sure there will be a BBQ in there somewhere (as us people in hot countries do all the time) and possibly a further, modest consumption of alcohol. Naebody up yet which is no real surprise because ah’m no sure what this body of mine is up ti this weather! Nikki still on the search for a job but the two of them get out and about most of the week enjoying themselves as ah slave over a hot workstation. Of course we have the Star away to the auld enemy (Arniston Rangers) today in the league with a 2 pm KO. Three points continuing to be the number one priority but having just looked at the weather forecast ah should get an immediate e-mail reply telling me it’s off. Hearts at home to Falkirk (Yogi, Yogi what’s the score) today in the 5th Round of the Scottish Cup at Tynecastle wi a 3 pm KO and of course the Hibees continuing to save up ti see their team winning it (ken the auld one aboot when they die they leave £20,000). So hoping to last the distance tonight and catch some live home fitba on the TV/internet.

Next week ah continue as Director and ah’m pretty sure it’s only going ti get busier and busier. Australia play their World Cup qualifier in Japan midweek wi all their fit European players returning (plus Craig Moore) for a game that might decide who wins the section but both team will qualify for South Africa 2010 come what may. Anyway surpassed masel for downloading pish this week so ah’m off for a well earned lie-doon. See yi when yir better dressed!

Decided to go for a few of ma wrap-up routines this week. So here goes:

Guess who ah spotted this week?: Liz’s cousin Drew Sutherland wandering aboot Central Station but wi a stupid haircut and Adnog from ‘The Fifth Element’. Remember the film wi Bruce Willis set in the future with evil coming to destroy the earth but he manages to get this perfect wumin in place (the fifth element) just in time to save the world? Naw? Well remember the big ugly things that can turn into human form that try to steal the four stones for Gary Oldman? Well the remember the leader whey turns intae human form at one stage and Gary O tells him to turn back to his real self because he should never deny who he is? Well it wis him ah saw. What a f***ing fright ah goat! Naw, no you Drew; well maybe a wee bit.

Philosopher’s corner: If you are in someone’s company regularly who lies and talks about other folk then you can guarantee they are lying and talking aboot you when you’re no there.

Fact of the week: Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute around the world.

I’m no really sure whey counts awe this stuff but it seems to me the theory that lightning never strike twice in the same place has to be a load o pish wi that much f***ing lightning activity going on. What di yi think?

Yours in nothingness

One Hit Nae-wonder

Episode 54

How’s things people? I hope everyone is OK this week, but jist remember there’s always someone worse off than yourself. So I’m sitting here at around 8 am on the morning of Saturday 31 January 2009 (10 pm on Friday night back in Nitten). Christ, it’ll no be long ti Xmas! As usual I am sitting in the dug hoose typing away furiously with ma Popeye T-shirt and jammy bottoms on. A wee bit cloudy and breezy outside but already up to 25C. One or two things to pass on this week but ah’ve hud a request so a hud better pass it on. Ah’ve been asked to write a bit (every now and again) on a subject nominated by anyone ah send this Ozblog ti. So if you have a request ah’ll try ma best ti make it happen. To a certain extent ah tend ti dae that if people put a thought or theme my way. Anyway must press on. Oh, ah’ve chucked in a recent photo of Mason the Jambo in case you are wondering how the grandson is getting on. And if you’ve no been wondering how he’s getting on ah’ve still sent yi a photo of him!

Right, so last Saturday 24 January, me and Liz headed off late morning and our first mission was a webcam. Ended up with a Logitech QuickC am E 3500 for the technically minded. For the not so technically minded we eventually got a webcam. This was followed by the usual food shopping before heading home. Webcam was successfully installed before a shower, changed and off to the fitba at about 3.30 pm. To remind you it was the final league game against what’s the story Perth Glory with all to play for. It was also just me and Liz (nae Nikki). We had a series of calamities during the day starting with our train no turning up so we eventually got to Caxton Street just after 5 pm. Had one at the LA Hotel before heading down the street to the Caxton Hotel. Ended up sitting outside with two auld dudes who left Hungary and Sweden many moons ago. Good guys who loved their football. So had a beer or two with them before heading to Suncorp about 6.30 pm (for a 7 pm KO).

Have to say it was a cracking evening, nice and warm with the temperature probably 25C+. Got in and Liz got something to eat (for herself) while ah got the beer in. Reasonably decent crowd of 17,500 had turned out for the game. Sat down to a night full of hope but the first half was so shite it is not true! Really inept performance from both sides but with Perth having nothing to play for but their pride. Sloppy defence by the Roar allowed Perth to go 1 - 0 up in the 15th minute. We equalised in about the 30th minute with a tap in from young Nicolls. Second half started the same despite the introduction of Charlie Miller at half time. However we seemed to waken up around the hour mark and this spell resulted in a 30 yard cracker from Danny Tiato into the keeper’s right hand top corner. Didn’t last long as we immediately fell asleep and let Perth equalise again 5 minutes later. F*** me! However we picked it up again and were looking dangerous. A very quick free kick from Miller (other team’s defence were still scratching their erses) resulted in a nice van Dijk diverted touch goal in the 75th minute. At his point ah was wondering what the f*** was going to happen next. But ah neednae have worried because a good corner 5 minutes later resulted in a nice headed goal by sub defender McCloughan . So we ran out 4 - 2 winners, nice result shame aboot the performance! All the other top teams won at the weekend so we ended up in 3rd place in the league, two points behind the eventual winners. So in the two leg play-offs we play Central Coast Mariners. We are off this weekend then play away on Friday 6 February followed by the home game on Friday 13 February. The other play-off game features Adelaide Utd and Melbourne Victory. These play-offs are awfy complicated so ah’ll explain what happens next when ah find out the winners of these two games. Watch this space!

Anyway we headed home happy but unable to contact Nikki because my UK phone had ran out of money and charge (Nikki with Liz’s phone of course). The train home then left late so we missed the connecting bus at Petrie. We then couldn’t get a taxi and couldn’t phone one so we decided to walk to see if one passed us. Ended up walking all the way home (like walking from Gilmerton to Nitten) and got in the hoose totally f***ing knackered. Ah wis so pissed off ah just went to ma bed saying ‘f*** the fitba on the TV’. So it wasn’t until Sunday morning that ah found out the Nitten game was off (ah think too much sun had burnt the grass) and Hearts had scrapped through against Inverness CT 3 - 2 (all’s well that ends well).

So on to Sunday 25 January, it was a leisurely rise followed by a short trip to Dayboro to visit the bakers/café. At night we sat and watched the remaining A League games on TV (plus a few beers) followed by the English FA Cup games. I lasted longest but eventually gave up and went to bed at half time in the Liverpool v Everton game. Monday 26 January as planned we headed for the Southbank to join in their Australia Day celebrations. Nice day apart from the odd shower but it was 30C so loads of lotion on plus baseball hat plus sunglasses (cannae be too careful, once burnt twice shyed and awe that stuff). It was quite busy with plenty entertainment and events to keep one and all happy. We had a good wander around then headed for Fortitude Valley (Chinatown) to see what they were up for the start of their New Year celebrations. Unfortunately they were in between events when we got there so we decided, bugger it, let’s just head for the hills. Got home early evening and had a quiet night before the belated start to the working week.

Very busy at work this week but I won’t trouble you with all that nonsense. Biggest pain this week has been my f***ing internet connection. Been going really slow and it seems the local internet aerial is near to capacity at night. Watch this space but it means that my Skype/webcam venture is oot the windae for the moment. Other news, we made contact with Roy and Louise and decided to meet for lunch on Friday 30 January (as one does). I was working so we met up at 12.30 pm in Queen Street Mall. Liz and Nikki came down by train and Roy had Louise and his Gold Coast Aussie mate with him. A wee shower meant we went to one of the open air cafes in the Mall rather than wander aboot. Had a nice chat, bite to eat and a modest refreshment (had to go back to work unfortunately). Have to say that they looked great and I can’t see them coming home to Nitten any time soon (if at all). Roy also looked like the Hong Kong good living agreed with him (say no more).

Later at night we had a small refreshment before heading up to the Chin for one or two to finish the night off. It was reasonably busy with a one man band giein in nantae in the corner. The usual suspects in but it seemed under control last night. No real dramas to pass on as we passed the night away before heading home just before midnight (Nikki of course off to Jamie’s). Got in and had a coffee (see yi thought ah wis jist kidding aboot getting auld!) before heading to bed no long after midnight.

So ah’m up this morning pretty sharp but ah don’t have too many plans today other than the usual stuff. However ah’ve goat a bit of a revelation for yi. Remember the shitey cricket team ah goat burnt watching two weeks ago? Well ah’m playing for them in their Sunday morning league match tomorrow. Aye, awe right, ah can here yi, ‘what’s an auld b***ard like me daein playing cricket at ma age?’. Well as a said you’ve never seen them playing have yi? So ah hope to have a bit practise today but ah don’t think it’ll really matter. This could be ma make or break opportunity. Australia are playing shite just now and are looking for someone to replace Hadden as an opening batsman. A couple of 350 not outs and ah could be right in there. Anyway this will be reported next week (if yi can wait that long).

Anyway, meanwhile back at Saturday morning. Tonight ah’m no really sure who’s playing on FOX sports but there will be games and of course back home we have Nitten having another go at trying to play at Fauldhoose in the League with a 2 pm KO (nights must be drawing oot!). Really need the three points guys. The Jambos are away to Hamilton at 3 pm in what looks like being a bit of a tussle giving their recent revival. I will attempt to tune in to what’s going on but given ma age ah cannae promise anything.

Next week I have another stint at acting Director, this time for three weeks (practise makes perfect) so looking forward to that role again. Apart from that life goes on.

Off course when ah started the Aussie clone spot last week ah missed a trick by no recounting one of the Groats ‘catch yi oot’ (as he does) stories. Ken the one:

Groats: Ah wis walking doon Nitten Main Street the other day and you’ll never guess who ah saw?

Anybody: Naw, whey?

Groats: Everybody ah looked at!

Ah well, you’ve goat to love him all the same.

Guess who ah spotted this week? Esme Halliday (wi sunglasses) and wumin that looks like big John Smith’s faither. For those Nitten folk, he wis the bloke that run Whitecraig Amateur fitba team for years. Ah dinae mean that ti be an insult but she gets on ma train regularly and ah’ve been sitting there thinking who the f*** does that wumin look like? Eventually ah twigged ti the fact that it wisnae another wumin it wis big John Smith’s faither. So there yi go.

Anyway, enjoy yir week and ah’ll catch you later. We love you all to bits.

Yours in cricket gear

Kenny Bradman

Episode 53

How’s things people? Well ah’m fine now but more of that later. As usual ah’m sitting in ma kennel typing ma Ozblog while Liz cooks the breakfast. Aye she’s up, quiet night last night yi see. So it’s about 9 am on Saturday 24 January (11 pm Friday night). Been outside wi the rubbish and ah will tell you this boy it is melting. Just checked the weather website and it’s 28C already. Phew! A wee bit to tell you this week but more in the ‘routine’ category than anything else but best to plough on.

Well we eventually got organised last Saturday 17 January and went to North Lakes shopping centre for our food shopping. Got home and waited on Nikki coming back from the hairdressers before setting off for Suncorp about 3.30 pm. Got Liz wi us this week so it’s a family outing. If yi remember the Roar were playing their arch enemies Sydney FC at home in the league with a 7 pm KO but alcohol has to consumed before such events. Dinae think ah enjoy having ti dae it but a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Nice day, a bit cloudy and windy but still about 28C. Got off at Roma Street train station and wandered up to Caxton Street and into the LA Hotel for a beer and watched the second half of the woman’s fitba final between the Roar and Canberra. And for Isobel Gunn, the Roar women won the inaugural league play off 2 - 0 (official name W League Grand Final). Scored two early goals and sat back to scrape through in the end. We then moved on to this bar called Bohemia which has awe the daft English Roar supporters who are usually outside on the pavement having a bucket fi. Joined in the hilarity especially when any Sydney supporter came near them. Got a few refreshments there (with live reggae band inside gieing it laldy) as we watched the afore-mentioned UK Roar support giving Sydney support some moral support, e.g. “You’ll never qualify, you’ll never qualify etc etc” and the even more catchy “F*** off Sydney, f*** off Sydney etc etc.” To be fair to four of them, they came in and had a drink but really must have regretted it because they were totally abused the length of their stay (ah felt like ah wis back hame!).

Left aboot 6.30 pm for the game and got the usual beer and food before settling down for the kick off. The game started slowly (with Charlie Miller on the bench) until a good Roar move ended up with van Dijk slotting it home in the 15th minute. Sydney equalised in the 25th minute before van Dijk restored the lead in the 30th minute. So 2 - 1 at half time and I should point out at this stage that ah hud hud a few so was singing (on ma own because ma family had disowned me at this stage) such ditties as “Your shite and you know you are etc”. The Roar played reasonably well in the second half with the biggest cheer from the over 19,000 crowd reserved for the 80th minute with the introduction of Miller to the game. We were coasting to a comfortable win with a Sydney man sent off in the 88th minute when in the 93rd minute Miller broke clear, ‘slotted it’ to van Dijk who calmly stuck it past the Sydney keeper for a (wait for it) hat-trick. Crivens, jings, help ma boab, whatever next? Blue snaw? So we were 3 - 1 victors consolidating our 3rd place and of course finals qualifying place. So we are two points behind Melbourne and Adelaide with one game to go. We have Perth Glory at home next week so that should be three points but we obviously have to rely on others if we want to be top of the pile.

We eventually got home about 10.30 pm just in time to watch the fitba on the TV. I am afraid ah didn’t last too long succumbing to tiredness about midnight and heading to bed. So ah didn’t find oot until Sunday morning that the Star had had a famous 3 - 1 victory in the Scottish Junior Cup at home to Larkhall Thistle to take their place in the last 16/5th round. Even Hearts had a good victory away to Kilmarnock with a 2 - 0 win. What a weekend!

Also on Sunday 18 January we headed to Pine Rivers sports complex to watch Jamie playing in a mickey mouse Sunday morning cricket league. You see he used to play and wants to come back but must start at the bottom so to speak. We hud our foldy chairs (now got three) and Eski with drinks and sandwiches in it. Organised or what? Game was quite eventful (honest) with them playing Aspley who were a team of dads and sons with some no bad players in amongst them. Aspley were batting and scored over 250 in their allotted 50 overs. Jamie’s team were odds and sods including this guy who took a flakey when he found out he wasn’t getting to bowl. Guy went nuts, screaming, shadow boxing folk etc. Great fun! Found out later that Jamie’s team only had 9 folk (dinae ken how ah didnae spot it), so when they batted they did OK but run out of wickets with their score about 150 and Jamie over 60 not out. It was quite warm but cloudy and windy again so guess what happened? Yep, the three of us were burnt ti f***! Liz wisnae too bad because she’s nice and tanned but me and Nikki were red as f***. What can ah say? Sorry for being si stupid (talking ti masel by the way)! Anyway we got home late afternoon, watched some sport on the TV, had our Sunday lunch and early to bed for the week ahead.

As you can imagine ah suffered at the start of the week with the reaction at ma work being anything between understanding to pissing their selves laughing. Of course you lot will have nae sympathy for me either. Ah can hear yi awe now, “good enough for the b***ard, always winding us up aboot how hot it is”. Anyway ah wis still a bit red but fine, if a bit flaky, by Wednesday 21 January when me and Nikki made our way back to the Gabba to watch the Bulls playing Victoria Bushrangers in the preliminary KFC Twenty/20 final with a 6.45 pm start. Met her after work outside Roma Street station and made our way to the Gabba via the free bus service. A crowd of just over 8,000 settled down in anticipation of a famous victory but that hope was quickly shot doon in flames. They batted first and got the mammoth total of 112 which in 20/20 cricket terms is as close to total pish as it gets. Not holding out much hope we sat through Vics innings which wasn’t much better but they passed our meagre total with about 2 overs left. Man with one leg won it for them as well (Hodge who pulled is hammy after 6 overs). Found out the Bulls mascot’s name though, he’s called Charger and was at his somersaulting best again (pity the team were pish). So we made our way home totally pissed off getting there eventually at 10.45 pm.

On Friday 23 January ma day started slowly with a lot of rain about causing the main station at Northgate on ma railway line to have a signals failure. So it felt like being back home (apart from it being 28C at the time), ken what ah mean. pissing of rain and over two hours to get to work. Quite a busy week at work with a lot of activity on the job loses front. In other words the State Government promising jobs in place of mining job loses and the work surrounding these announcements. Anyway ah finished the usual time and got home just before 5.30 pm. We were having a small family BBQ dinner but as usual Nikki has to get something different made! We stayed in and had a small refreshment whilst watching an A League game first then playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire on the DVD. Much hilarity was had especially with some of Nikki’s answers and her asking the audience for the £100 question. Liz had the highest score of the night (she’s standing behind me wi a cricket bat at this point), well done to her. Anyway ah gave up about 11.30 pm and headed for bed with the others not far behind me.

Potentially busy weekend ahead. We head off soon to buy a webcam and some ink for the printer. We have already organised Skype so we will soon be able to be seen and heard by anyone with webcam/Skype. We meant to do this ages ago but the incentive has come around due to Leigh getting her internet connection back and getting organised with webcam/Skype herself. Liz being able to see and hear Leigh and Mason again has pushed this initiative to the top of the pile! This will be followed by food shopping, back to get organised then heading off to Suncorp (via a modicum of alcohol consumption) for the last league game of the season against Perth Glory with a 7 pm KO. A win could give them a home play off game in the preliminary finals and with a Charlie comeback on the cards could be a big crowd. Believe it or not it’s only me and Liz going at the moment with Nikki and Jamie f***ing about. Ho hum. After that we will be heading home to Aberdeen v Rangers on Setanta at 10.30 pm plus the rest of the scores on the internet. Aberdeen of course going for an old firm double. Hearts also at home to Inverness Coloured Textiles with a 3 pm KO and hopefully continuing to heap more misery on the Highland capital. The Star are back to the ‘bread and butter’ league games with a ‘must win’ home game against Dundee North End and a 1.45 pm KO. Let us know how it shapes up.

On Sunday 25 January we have the arrival of Roy Halliday and Louise on a weeks holiday from Hong Kong to the Gold Coast (just south of Brisbane). Not sure when they arrive but we plan to meet up Sunday/Monday to chew the cud and find out what they’ve been up to. Should be fun because Monday is a public holiday for Australia Day (when the whole of Australia celebrates being Australian and all that entails entertainment, food and drink wise) and also the start of the Chinese New Year. So plenty going on Roy and Louise with my favourite for Monday being either the Southbank or Fortitude Valley (Chinatown). Let us know what you’re up ti.

The rest of the week looks routine at the moment but we will see. Other news, Nikki continues to search for jobs but they are becoming scarcer and scarcer. Liz continues her home keeping routine plus stocking up on red wine for the arrival of Robert Ramsay in late June. Probably no get the car in the garage by the time he arrives!

Giein philosopher’s corner a rest for the moment (run out of hallucinatory drugs) and decided to replace it with a ‘guess who ah spotted this week?’ section. If you remember a while back ah said that our Scottish convict genes are alive and well in Brisbane because of the amount of look-alikes ah huv seen with me almost speaking to some of them! Of course some of you will only recognise some of the people ah mention. Well here goes this week’s instalment:

Guess who ah spotted this week? Davy Kerr (wi two legs) and Dave Nelson (wi a moustache). Davy Kerr ah can understand but Dave Nelson? By the way Dave, for f***s sake, dinae graw a moustache son. What a plonker yi look!

Your in IT mode

Burnt Tiacrisp

Episode 52

Well, whey did your team get in the 5th round o the Scottish Cup? Yir no in it? What happened? Ach well, there’s always next year. So how’s things people? Going awe right? Good enough. Well its 9 am Saturday 17 January (11 pm Friday 16 January, Nitten time) and as usual ah’m sitting indoors furiously Ozblogging whilst outside its bright, sunny, a few clouds but already over 25C. Glorious. Been a quiet week work wise but ah’ve remembered a few stories that ah’ll put your way plus there have been a few things going on but as usual mainly ti do wi sport. Anyway let’s get the party started.

We eventually got our arseholes out of neutral and did our usual food shopping on Saturday 10 January before popping down the road to Windsor (just north of Brisbane toon centre) to watch Taringa Rovers play cricket against The Gap. Got there about 3 pm and they were fielding and looked like they were getting put through the mill. Met the guys at their lunch break and said our hellos. They then went out and ended up bowling The Gap out for 196. Not bad ah thought but they had this big guy (must have been about 6’ 8”) bowling who bowled a mean ball. Appears he should really be playing for a much better team but just like playing with his mates. When we left to come home about 5 pm Taringa were about 35 for 8 wickets (heading for a slaughtering) with the big guy giving them big problems. Read the score in the internet next day and they ended up bowled oot for 51 sent back in and were 11 for 3 wickets at close. They were meant to continue today but decide no ti bother and threw the towel in. Probably a good shout!

We got home and made preparations for our wee BBQ. We were joined by Nikki & Jamie as we settled down outside for a bite to eat and a small alcoholic refreshment. Ah hud the TV in fitba mode and the internet with SKY results set up. We sat out all night blethering with me pooping in and out to check up on what was going on. The Roar were playing away to Central Coast in their ‘it would be really good to win’ league game. They played well the small bits ah saw and ended up winning 4 - 3 with ma pal van Dijk getting two (f*** me!). Good win and it looks like play-offs here we come. The night drifted on and the alcohol and conversation was flowing freely as we sat out in the late evening warmth until about 3 am when we all gave up and went to bed. Got bad news from Nitten Star during the evening that they had lost 3 - 2 at Oakley mainly down to a totally biased referee ah believe. Whatever, it is still a bad three points lost.

Up late morning on Sunday 11 January and after the usual routine me and Liz decided to check on one of our old haunts in the middle of Brisbane. So we headed off for the Southbank to see how it was fairing. Still as busy with the new attraction of the Brisbane Eye. Big wheel like London with compartments that hold about 8 people. Reasonably priced at $15 a go. As we wandered round the urban beach, Sunday market etc etc we came across the young kids playing Led Zep, Hendrix, Red Hot Chillis, Guns and Roses and many more. Nae Free but Ricky Quinn would love them. Still really good to listen to. Stayed for just over an hour and headed home about 4 pm. The night was quiet watching A League games on the TV and readying ourselves for the big game. Better fitba than last week with Hibs blowing it after (correct) sending off of Fletcher. I would send him off every week if ah refereed just because he’s si f***ing ugly! Anyway an easy 2 - 0 victory and Falkirk at home in the 5th round of the Scottish Cup. Did ah ever mention that Hibs hav’nae won the Scottish Cup for 108 years by the way, naw?(Yes I did because I'm a f***ing tit).

Off on Monday which was a nice quiet day just catching up on one or two domestics. It has been really warm and sunny most of the week with temperatures anywhere between 28 & 32C. See the pain we have to go through, wandering about in shorts and T-shirts awe the time, having to put the fans and air conditioning on ti get ti sleep. Yi dinae think ah’m enjoying masel doon here di yi? F***ing right ah um! Anyway the Roar played their game in hand on Wednesday night and drew 0 - 0 away to Adelaide United. Good result against arguably the best team in the league. However what it means is that they have gone through all their away games in the league with only one defeat. If only they had got decent results at home they would be well ahead in the league. However it does mean they are in the play-offs (currently in 3rd place) with two home games remaining against Sydney FC and Perth (what’s the story, morning) Glory. However more of that later.

Remember ah told you lot aboot the size o some of the women doon here? Ken the one aboot either cheek having a different postcode because their arse is so big. Well ah was wandering back to the station during the week and this huge wumin was waddling in front of me and it reminded me of an exchange of e-mails ah hud, after ah told the story, wi Stevie Lawson (Alan Prentice’s mate who stays in Brisbane). We usually have an exchange on Saturday morning after ah send the Ozblog while he is at his work. He e-mailed me one morning ti say a ‘four postcoder’ had just walked past his shop windae and caused a total eclipse of the sun! Well laugh, ah nearly paid ma TV licence! He also sent me this week a good wee story sent to him by Roy Barry’s partner (Willie Grant will mind o him) who were the personal guests of Sir Alex Ferguson at last week’s Man U v Chelsea game. Great insight to a day behind the scenes when you are ‘the man’s’ guest at Old Trafford. And in case yir wondering ah’m sworn ti secrecy about what he really said aboot Rafa’s recent outburst!

So on to last night Friday 16 January ah got home and immediately got the BBQ lit (think it was about 35C yesterday). Just cooked sausages and steak for me and Liz and we settled down with a couple of rolls and a small alcoholic refreshment. We all got ready later and headed for the North Leagues club. Got there aboot 8.30 pm and signed Nikki in (she got her membership later (special offer $5.50 for a year and a half). As she was signing in the auld boy on the door strikes up a conversation (as yi do) wi me. Easiest way to relate it is to tell it the way it was wi him speaking first:

“Hear yon young American actress got stabbed today”.

“Whey?”.

“Awe yi ken, what’s her face”.

“Aye, but whey?”.

“Eh’m, Reese, Reese….”.

“Witherspoon?”.

“Naw, wi a knife!”.

Auld b***ard! Anyway we wandered in and as usual it was mobbed. They always have these big prize draws at 5 pmish on Friday’s to get the crowd in. This week it was 110 meat parcels (aye 110, ah got it right the first time). Got a drink and sat and watched the dancing which reminded me o the auld Harry Evens story when he worked in Dalhousie Courte restaurant. One o the lassies there was quite excited one day because she and a big group o her mates wir going to Nitten Legion that night and were really looking forward ti it. She knew Harry was fi Nitten so she excitedly asked him what it was like. Harry’s reply to a stunned silence was: “Well, if yi got a crowd o folk fi Roslynlee Hospital (for the daft folk) and stuck them in a bus and took them over ti the Legion, naebody wid notice any difference!”. Anyway we stayed there until about 10 pm and made oor way over ti Finnegan’s Chin where Liz’s pal Terri and her husband Gavin were. Ah have ti say that this place also is mad wi some of the clientele a bit out of the extraordinary. Sort of like the Bottom Shop without the fighting (which ah suppose is nothing like the Bottom Shop!). Anyway we stayed there until about midnight then weaved our way home. Had a coffee (getting auld) and made ma way to bed.

So back to today. Not much to start with except the usual food shopping. Nikki’s got a hairdressing appointment early afternoon and then we head to Suncorp for the Roar v Sydney FC game at 7 pm. Bit of a grudge match but with Sydney having nothing to play for. Ah think that Charlie Miller might be back in the team tonight but let’s wait and see. Actually a wee story for Isobel Gunn now. If you have a ticket for tonight’s game you get the usual free travel to the game but there is also a bonus today. Today is the final of the women’s league play-offs with the Roar hosting Canberra at Ballymore (the Roar’s and Queensland Reds (rugby union) training ground in Brisbane). If you head for the centre of town early afternoon (with your Sydney FC ticket) you can also get free travel and entry to the women’s final. Followed by free travel back to the Roar game after it. How f***ing good is that? Will let you know how the women get on next week Isobel. So we will be off there tonight followed by the usual sporting evening at home. Big game at Nitten with the Star playing Larkhall Thistle in the 4th Round of the Scottish Cup with a 1.45 pm KO. Don’t know how good they are but the Star are a bit hit and miss at the moment. Hope they can turn it on today and enter the last 16. Keep me up to date guys. The Jambos are away to Kilmarnock in the league at 3 pm in an ‘anything could happen’ game. We will have the live commentary on the internet whilst watching whatever English Premier game is live on FOXtel.

Tomorrow morning (Sunday 18 January) we’re going ti see Jamie playing cricket locally. So in the auld Nitten Sunday morning tradition ah’m gonnae get a cairry oot and go and shout abuse. They’re probably no ready for it but what the hell! So efter ah get arrested the rest o the day will be quiet with me coasting towards a new week at work. Next week there’s not much happening although the Bulls (cricket) have got to the finals of the KFC Twenty/20 trophy and are due a home game so we will wait and see.

Well ah think that’s about me about done for another week. Enjoy your weekend guys and ah’ll catch you next week.

Philosopher’s Corner: (Whatever your plans) don’t be afraid to take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

Yours in the 5th Round of the Scottish

Hugh Jarse

Episode 51

Well that’s the first week of the new year in. How did your first week go? Mine was fine but ah heard you lot are freezing yir arses off back there in Nitten. Well it’s been mixed weather this week but the temperatures has been about 28 to 31C so cannae complain. Anyway ah’m sitting in ma kennel on Saturday 10 January at 10 am (midnight Friday/Saturday back home) looking out and it’s a wee bit windy and cloudy but the temperature is about 24C already. Think it’s to clear up later and be a nice day tomorrow as well. Ho, hum. Quiet weekend planned but we’ll see what happens. Let’s push on though.

On Saturday 3 January we got back into the old routine and did a spot of food shopping then spent the day reading the papers and watching Australia v South Africa in the 3rd test at cricket in Sydney. However I succumbed to pressure during the day and decided to subscribe to Setanta on a month by month basis. This meant of course we could watch the Hearts v Hibs game on TV rather than the internet. Evening came and I started to feel a we bit thirsty so ah hud a small cider purely in the interest of checking ma system was back to normal. Things turned out fine until of course the Hearts v Hibs game came on TV. Have to say the 0 - 0 draw was one of the poorest Edinburgh derby games ah’ve seen for a while. Probably a draw being a fair enough result as well. We then watched some FA Cup game on Setanta as well as the scores coming in on SKY internet before heading to bed about 3 am. Also found out ma prediction of a frosty Nitten was right with their game off once again.

Up early enough on Sunday morning, had breakfast and had a short trip to Redcliffe for a walk along the pier. Didn’t last long because despite the fact it was warm enough it was too breezy. Returned home and undertook the same activities as the previous day. Watched the Sunday night A League game before heading to bed about 9.30 pm to ready masel for the working week ahead.

Slow start to working week continued up to Friday. However Liz and Nikki were kept busy because they had a chore to carry out every day this week. Nikki’s boyfriend Jamie was away working in New South Wales and left his dug outside the hoose. So it was their task to feed, water and exercise it every day. Apparently the dug is really well behaved with people but when it meets other dugs it tries ti eat them! They found this oot when Nikki text Jamie to say they were going ti take the dug doon ti Redcliffe for a walk. Jamie text back ti say dinae bother because it is on its last warning about trying ti eat other dugs. Next time and it gets pit doon. F*** me! Anyway, they enjoyed their week’s chore because, and I quote: “She is a lovely dog”. Fair enough.

So on Friday 9 January it was the second of me and Nikki’s visits to the Gabba to see the Queensland bulls playing in the KFC Twenty/20 competition. Remember we got tickets to two games for only $15 (about £6.50) with free public transport thrown in, naw? Nae point in me telling you lot f***ing anything is there? Anyway ah met Nikki at 4.30 pm after work up Central Station. We headed downstairs to the Grand Central Hotel for a small refreshment. She headed for a fag (jist for a change!) and ah went in to the bar. They have these guest beers on all the time and ah havenae bothered aboot them sticking ti the routine stuff. But last night the guest beer was called Dogbolter and billed as a ‘dark lager’. So that was enough ti tempt me so a got one and a wee cider for the wee yin. It was really good and probably the best way ah could explain it is that it was like a thin Guinness. Anyway ah ploughed on and had a few before heading to Roma Street station where the free buses to the Gabba wait on the punters. We of course had to drop in at The Tin (no explaining it again, OK) for one. A lot quieter this week so we had one in relative peace and quiet before heading for the bus. Have to tell you that by law CBD pubs must have door staff who are all registered wi the council. So they all have these tags on wi their numbers on it (sort of like taxis back home). And what’s the number o the wee brick shit hoose outside The Tin? Yep, you’ve got it, ‘666’. F***ing had to be, naw?

So we eventually got to the game just before bat off. Still couldnae find any alcoholic drink for Nikki so she settled for chips and a pizza while ah got a couple of XXXX (as one does of course). They were playing the South Australia Redbacks and probably needed to win to stay in the hunt for the KFC trophy. The Redbacks started batting and started well but slowed down eventually reaching 163 after 20 overs. Wee story before the Bulls innings. Every team over here (much like back home) has a mascot. The Bulls one is a bull funnily enough (forgot his name so dinae ask) and he has his usual carry on wi the crowd but this bloke is unbelievable. Ah’m pretty sure he’s got a gold medal at gymnastics for Australia because some of the aerial twisting and somersaulting he does is brilliant. Worth gawn ti the cricket just ti see him. Anyway the Bulls started a bit cautiously but burst oot later on eventually winning with about 2 plus overs to go. Good victory sending us home a happy team. We eventually got home about 11 pm to be met by Liz who had made homemade pizza for us. What a hero. Had a few bits and a beer before heading to bed about midnight.

Before ah look ahead, ah thought ah would start to share a few more local stories every now and again that are in the news every week. So this week’s effort is from a regular current events program on Channel 9 called ‘A Current Affair’. Comes on at 6.30 pm after their evening news bulletin and lasts for half an hour. In that time they have about 4 or 5 stories about anything from the mildly controversial to the nice. They had a cracker this week. Apparently it’s illegal in Brisbane to park in your driveway! They ran this story about this couple who came out to their cars to find they both had a $140 fine ticket attached to their windscreens. Their cars were parked in their driveway in front of their double garage. The distance between the back of their cars to the kerb was over 2 metres. There was no footpath so if you wanted to walk up the side of the road you walked across someone’s driveway, over a length of grass, over someone’s driveway etc. etc. Anyway they contacted the council to point oot that someone had made a mistake only to be told that there was no mistake. Apparently someone who was walking up said side of road complained they had to deviate slightly (I think go on the road for a short period) because of their cars and that kicked in this law. In other words, in theory, anyone who parks in their driveway in Brisbane and causes someone to swerve to avoid their car is due a $140 fine. How f***ing gid/stupid is that?

So today ah think we will be doing the usual food shopping plus we might go and watch Taringa playing cricket because they are playing at the north side of Brisbane at Windsor (about half an hour in the car). Having a wee BBQ tonight to our wee sels so that will be nice. Don’t try some of these things at home by the way. So mair sport, first of all we have wir blue, wir white, wiv no played for a fortnight, Nitten Star, Nitten Star playing away to Oakley Utd in the League with a 1.45 pm KO. Probably off already! The Roar are away to Central Coast (live on FOXtel) today with a 7 pm KO. Need to at least draw to stay in touch at the top. Noticed the Jambos managed to lose their game in hand mid-week away to Motherwell 1 - 0 and of course they are away to Hibs in the Scottish Cup on Sunday 11 January with a 12.15 pm KO. Live on Setanta at 10.15 pm here so ah’ve got a JIC on Monday. Cannae be too careful yi ken. Did ah ever tell yi that Hibs have never won the Scottish Cup for 107 years, naw? So later tonight we will be having our usual sporting feast.

Tomorrow will be quiet until the fitba comes on at night of course but we will see what happens. Anyway ah’ll need to call it a halt there so catch you next week.

Philosopher’s Corner: The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Yours in warm comfort

The Dog’s Bollocks

Episode 50

How’s things so far this year then? Cannae remember? I ken the feeling! Had a wee bit too much whilst a family health crisis was going on myself! But more of that later. So I’m sitting in ma wee corner unit at about 9 am Saturday 3 January (11 pm Friday 2 January back home) looking out to the pateho where it’s cloudy (might have been raining earlier) but still about 23C. Quiet day in store, in fact it’s been like that for almost two days now. Once again lots and nothing to tell you about so I hud better get a shift on.

Well last Saturday 27 December had a small change in plan. Once we got organised me and Liz went for some basic shopping before the BBQ later in the day. We got home and got stuff sorted oot plus relaxed before the late afternoon start. Jamie & Nikki and Keith, Tracy and Ellie arrived almost together at about 4.30 pm. We had a blether etc before I got started on the BBQ (photo attached). There was of course much hilarity when I announced I was going tea-total because I had had too much recently. This didn’t last long because I succumbed to peer pressure and was forced (against my will) to have a small cider. Well actually it was a litre bottle! Anyway the BBQ went off well and we then sat outside in the warm evening having much mirth and enjoyment. Sort of like back home but without the shitey weather. Later in the evening our Aberdeen neighbours went over the road with the wee one and the remainder listened to a few tunes before the Scottish football came on the internet. Keith sneaked oot the hoose to listen to the Aberdeen v Hearts game so we sat and listened to that load of pish. Have to say in the 1 - 0 defeat that Hearts poor performance was only surpassed by the excuse for a referee called Ian Brines. Couldn’t see it obviously but it was clear from the commentary that he was absolutely atrocious (which roughly translated means ‘total f***ing pish’). Star game was off as I predicted so nothing to cheer me up there either. Anyway I left for bed about 4 am leaving the rest to finish not long thereafter.

Up relatively sharpish on Sunday 28 December but we really just tidied up, sat outside in the pateho and watched the Australia v South Africa second test at cricket. We then readied ourselves for the Roar game leaving the house about 4.30 pm to catch the train. It was quite a muggy day with the odd shower but we wernae caring as we arrived at the game just before the 6 pm KO. Bigger than usual crowd of 13,000 (late ticket sales due to holiday makers) watched the same team KO against Wellington Phoenix in a pretty much ‘must win to keep in contact with the others’ game. The start was bright enough but we lost a really stupid own goal after 10 minutes. One of these headers into your own net when it was easier to head past the goals sort of affairs. Anyway we pressed on and the game really didn’t wake up until about 40 minutes when young Nicholls made a darting run at the defence only to be brought down on the edge of the box. Up stepped van Dijk to bend it over the wall, keeper tipped it onto the bar, came down and hit off him again leaving wee McKay to bundle it into the net. We had more pressure after that but 1 - 1 at half time was probably fair enough.

Second half started with a bang with poor defending down our right letting Wellington cross easily followed by a virtually unchallenged back post header to be tipped in near post by the goalie. Bad defending all round and have to say the right full back was passed too easily most of the game. However the response was immediate with a move similar to the last game (quickly up the left hand side and stroked into the net after the cross) resulting in a van Dijk equaliser (won’t hear a bad word said aboot that centre!). That set the tone for the second half and it was quite good (at times) end to end stuff. Probably even on chances but with the chances coming in spells for either side. The Roar picked it up at the end with good substitutions and pushing Moore into midfield meaning that we started to look more threatening. Game exploded at the end (again) with young Zullo bursting at the defence in the 90th minute only to be brought down on the edge of the box by the same player. Correct, second yellow and off! Van Dijk had just been taken off to consolidate the draw so young substitute Oar (17 years old) stepped up to float it over the wall into the net for a 3 -2 last gasp victory. Suncorp for thrills or what?

That result keeps them 2nd in the league with the top four going into the play-offs in a few weeks time. However the Roar play the other three teams who are in the top four, all away from home, as their next three games. Make or break time. I hope you noticed the use of the term ‘young’ quite a lot in this wee report because they really are starting to being through some bright youngsters. The future’s bright, the future’s Queensland Roar. So we headed home a happy team again to arrive back in the hoose aboot 9.30 pm. Just in time to watch Liverpool ripping Newcastle up for arse paper before heading to bed at midnight.

On Monday 29 December me and Liz went some post-Xmas shopping to get her some clothes/shoes. Also opened the remainder of the Nitten boxes in the garage to find out exactly what had been sent over. At night we set our old DVD up and watched some old films over a glass of red wine (as us cinema snobs do). On Tuesday we (eventually) tried to head for the Sunshine Coast but aborted after one junction (30 minutes travel time) because an accident further north had caused massive queues. So we cut our loses and spent the afternoon at Redcliffe beach. Later that night Nikki, who had been complaining about pains in her back, was taken to Redcliffe Hospital. Seemed she had a urine infection in her kidneys so she was given antibiotics and told to take pain killers until they started to kick in.

Auld year’s night was spent in the sunshine plus some alcohol shopping just to make sure we didn’t run out (cannae be too careful aboot these things). By the way did ah mention that it’s been 30 to 35C all week with the odd storm/rain at night, naw? At night we saw in the bells our wee sels but Nikki was still complaining her back wasn’t getting any better. I went to bed the worse for wear at 2 am on New Year’s day and re-appeared briefly at 8 pm for a drink of water and promptly went back to bed until 8 am on Friday 2 January! Vaguely remember phoning Barbara & John when it was our New Year with promises of many phone calls at 10 am, 1 January (midnight back home) to wish one and all a happy New Year. However you will have gathered that went into the category of ‘the best laid plans’! However Liz did speak to some people but most of her New Years day was spent back at hospital with Nikki. Seems what she had was a lot worse than they originally thought plus wrong tablets given oot etc. Anyway they eventually got home with Nikki feeling much better. However I should thank all those who sent us New Year wishes and in particular Ricky Quinn for his iPhone photos of events at the Stars club.

As you can imagine Friday was mainly spent piecing together the last couple of days and readying ourselves for the (quiet) weekend ahead. The Roar played Melbourne Victory away from home last night with a 7 pm KO and lost 2 - 1. Played well really but lost two poorly defended goals in the space of 5 minutes midway through the second half which sealed their defeat. They now have to get there act together over the next couple of weeks to make sure they reach the A League play-offs.

As I said before it will be a quiet weekend before my return to work on Monday 5 January. It will be quiet at work as well because there are a load of people off on their summer holidays this month. Football wise today we have Nitten at home to Fauldhouse in the league with a 1.45 pm KO. However again this week (looking at the weather back home) it looks like it will be off due to a frozen park. Big local derby back home as a defenceless Hearts take on a poor Hibs team at 12.30 pm so anything can (and probably will) happen there. Me and Nikki will be glued to the internet at that time because we get it live on Hearts TV. Well that’s me done for another week, catch you all later when hopefully all will be back to ‘normal’ by then.

Philosophers Corner: You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.

Yours in 2009

Almost Driedoot

Episode 49

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, (join in whenever yi can remember the tune) should auld acquaintance….. Well how did yir Christmas’s go, awe right? Brilliant? We just had a quiet one to our wee sels so this week’s effort isn’t a marathon or earth shattering more a statement of fact. Anyway, I’m sitting in my PC World corner (no gonae explain it again) at aboot 9 am Saturday 27 December (11 pm Friday 26 December, Nitten time) looking out through ma large French windows into ma sun soaked pateho. Liz had just been oot (aye, she’s up already) and says it’s really warm already. Have to say it looks really nice and on checking the weather radar it tells me it is 27C already. Did lots and nothing since I Ozbloged you but I better start it or I’ll never finish. However first ah’ve sent two photos, one of me on ma Xmas cruise last week and one of our neighbourhood parakeets sitting on the mango tree outside oor back garden.

Well as planned, last Saturday 20 December, ah goat the BBQ built with Liz’s able help. Then went food/alcohol shopping plus buying a new gas bottle for the BBQ. Our return home coincided with the arrival of Nikki and friend Jamie. He took one look at the BBQ and said I didnae have the right connection so they headed off to get a new one. Liz had prepared most of the salady stuff and I started on ma first BBQ. Jamie had also brought some alcohol plus a load of fresh prawns and oysters. So we got stuck in to the cooked food etc plus a moderate sprinkling of beer and the like. Me and Nikki raked in the garage and found the CD player and CDs, so that was set up and some tunes put on (as one does). Later we got stuck in to Jamie’s fresh seafood and I have to confess it was the best I have ever tasted. The rest of the evening was spent blethering, consuming alcohol and listening to tunes before the fitba came on the TV. Had the internet tuned into Hearts TV and SKY live scores. Boring 0 - 0 draw for Hearts at home to Dundee Uted compounded by the news that the Star were beaten at home 1 - 0 by Tranent in the Fife & Lothians Cup. Didn’t hear aboot the game but ah can imagine what it would have been like. Probably something approaching watching paint drying! So poor weekend for ma teams (except Torquay who won 4 - 1 (see you thought ah hud forgotten aboot them, didn’t yi?)). Ended up drifting off to bed at the back of 3 am (I think).

Woke up a good chunk of the way through Sunday and it was a really lazy day ending up in early bed before the short week ahead. First two days at work were pretty uneventful and when I arrived home on Tuesday 23 December that was me until Monday 5 January. Tuesday night we went over to our Aberdeen friend’s hoose for a few but Xmas eve was really just last minute food/beer shopping at North Lakes plus relaxing in the warm back garden (32C). Wee succession of storms at night but nothing compared to the ones a month or so ago. Oh by the way, last wind up of Xmas cards arrivals were from Colin R & family, Barbara & John, Isobel & Billy and G Bennett & family. Isobel decided to send me a card from Bonnyrigg because she thought we would get a rake from Nitten. Well Isobel we goat nane wi Nitten on the card! We also got a few e-mails from various people wishing us ‘awe the best’ and they were all duly replied to. So a special thanks to everyone for the festive period greetings in whatever shape or form it was sent. If yi sent it late ah’ll just assume it’s an Easter card so dinae worry aboot that.

Up early on Xmas day (7 am) and opened oor presents then Liz completed her preparations for the big denner. Got a surprise, but welcomed, phone call from the Lambs of Eskbank at 8.30 am (10.30 pm Wednesday so still not Xmas day for the Lothians crew). Then a phone call from Leigh just after midnight (Nitten time) wishing us a merry Xmas. Early afternoon we popped down to Redcliffe for a short stroll in the muggy, cloudy heat. Really busy down there with lots of families spending their Xmas at the lagoon area. Great for kids. We returned home and Nikki decided she was going to the estate swimming pool so we popped down for a bit before having our wee family lunch late afternoon. Early evening we had a marathon phone-in to all the Russells and any of Liz’s family we could contact to wish them a merry Xmas. By the way, with our phone card, 2 hours of international calls only cost aboot £2.50! After that we needed a small refreshment so we grabbed a load of drink and headed to our Aberdeen friends’ hoose (again). They have a young 4 year old girl called Ellie so they can’t leave the hoose hence the reason we go to them. Had more than a few and listened to some tunes on my new iPod docking station (thanks Santa) then wandered back across the road at about 3 am.

Should have mentioned that we noticed a small wet area appearing in the corner of the garage floor next to the kitchen. I thought it was maybe just the waste outlet pipe under the sink but it turns out (after a Xmas eve inspection by the builders) that it was the hot water pipe at the top corner of the garage. Anyway to cut a long story short (which isnae like me, ah ken) we ended up with the garage getting even wetter on Xmas day plus a plumber called on boxing day when the electrics started to go! Transpires we caught the plumber before he went fishing but he seemed happy enough especially when he found out it wasn’t his fault but the roofers who had put a nail through the f***ing pipe (which was handy!). So he had to dismantle part of the garage roof before he could fix the pipe. We now have a sorted pipe but a rather f***ed garage ceiling. Could have been worse, we could have run oot o alcohol on Xmas day. Always remember, things could be a lot worse no matter how bad things seem.

The rest of Boxing day was quiet leading up to me and Nikki heading for the Gabba at aboot 3.30 pm. The game started at 6.45 pm but we needed to get oorsels organised first (code for have a beer or two). I was instructed to wear the Aussie/Scottish hat my brother Derek gave me before we left Nitten just over a year ago and just been delivered with our stuff. It’s a sort of floppy affair in Stewart tartan with the St Andrew’s Cross and Lion Rampant on it. So ah suppose you could say ah looked a bit of a plonker, but was ah caring? Was ah f***! To remind you the game was the KFC Twenty20 bash between Queensland Bulls and New South Wales Blues. Tickets were £8 with free travel on public transport thrown in (disnae really get much cheaper than that, does it?). Anyway we had a few in the CBD including one in the Irish backpackers place called The Tin. When we got there it was 5.30 pm but they were celebrating St Stephen’s day (their Boxing day) so the disco was blazing, the place was packed and most people were well on their way to oblivion. Then grabbed a free bus to the Gabba and got there aboot 6.15 pm. Good news for Nikki (not) when we got in, they had no alcohol other than beer so she had to go tee-total. She was not pleased, trust me! Game started in front of a healthy 11,000 crowd with the Bulls batting. You got the feeling that they never really got started and ended up with a score of 161 which is about average. The Blues then batted and were in control for most of the game but only tied it up with 2 bowls to go. So nothing to shout aboot as we headed home with the crowds. Got in the hoose aboot 11.30 pm just at the end of the first half of the Stoke City v Man U game. Liz headed to bed, Nikki headed to Jamie’s, so ah was left masel (awe!!) to watch the second half of the game. Checked on some other scores via the internet before heading to bed about half past midnight.

Anyway ah’m up now and raring to go. Will have a shite, shave and shampoo after this before settling down to relaxing, non-alcoholic day off. Got ti gie the body a bit chance to regroup before the big off next week with the arrival of 2009. Aye, 2009 already. Where’s it gone? I think we have invited the Aberdeen family over for a BBQ today (by the way, now on ma own again with Liz back to bed and Nikki still at Jamie’s). Might have told you this but he’s a carpet fitter and has just taken a new job in Townsville (North Queensland) so they move next week. Also today of course we have the Star away to Fauldhouse in the league (ah’m pretty sure they still eat their young oot there) at 1.30 pm. Noticed it has got a bit cold through there so we might have a cancellation. Hearts are away to ma pal’s Aberdeen team with a 3 pm KO. Not sure if we are staying up tonight to take the fitba events in but you never know. Tomorrow night, Sunday 28 December the Roar are at home to Wellington Phoenix (from New Zealand) in the league with a 6 pm KO. Family outing this week with Liz deciding to join in this time. So we’ll see how that goes.

Beyond that not really that much planned for next week or indeed the New Year celebrations. So just need to play it by ear. I’m sure you guys will all have your plan no matter how large or small but ah hope you all have a good time whatever you get up to. And remember if you can’t be good, be careful! So nothing remains but for the Aussie Russells to wish you, your families and friends a really happy New Year and if not a prosperous new year at least a better one than this year. Awe the best for 2009.

Philosophers Corner: Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

Yours in relative sobriety

Blurred Vision

Episode 48

Ho, ho, hoooo. Meeeeerry Christmas. Thought ah would chuck that in early seeing it’s ma last Ozblog before the festive period. So ah hope you all have a really, really good one (especially the Russells of course) and Santa is good to everyone. Ah’ll keep ma New Year message for next week with ma special festive bumper edition (this being instalment number one). So ah’m sitting in the hoose this morning at 9 am Saturday 20 December (midnight Friday/Saturday Nitten time) doing the business. Ha, yir saying, at last the weather is that shite the b***ards goat ti sit in the hoose ti dae the Ozblog. Well naw, it’s goat f*** all ti dae wi that so keep yirsels calm, awe right? It’s because ah’m now sitting in ‘Nitten surroundings’ because ma furniture arrived this week. See yi’ve forgotten already aboot that haven’t yi? F***s sake, is there any point me telling you lot anything? Anyway ah’m sitting in ma PC World corner unit wi ma laptop set up in it’s permanent position. It’s a wee bit cloudy outside ah think and the weekend forecast is 27C and showers. It was a sweltering 37C yesterday but more of that later. Goat ah lot of wee notes here so this might get stretched oot a bit today once ah add some nonsense ti it. Better get started then, eh?

So, last Saturday 13 December we all ended up going shopping to Chermside. Yi ken it’s Xmas when you take aboot half an hour to find a parking place! When we got in (as you can imagine) it was equally busy inside. I took Nikki window shopping while Liz bought her presents. We then grabbed a quick snack and went home via food shopping at Carseldine Woollies. Back home we had a lazy day reading the papers etc then settling down to some live A League games before the UK fitba kicked off. I had already started on the chilled cider so was cheered when we got news that the Celtic v Hearts game was being shown live on Hearts TV. So after watching Middlesbrough v Arsenal me and the wee yin got ourselves oot ti the pateho with the Hearts game and SKY internet scores set up (plus some ciders of course). Have to say that a mediocre looking Celtic got off the hook in the 1 - 1 draw. Liz was in bed until the Hearts scored because me and Nikki shot through the roof. Our joy was doubled with news that the Star won their Scottish Cup tie against Benburb 2 - 0. Got an iPhone photo courtesy of R Quinn Esq. showing one and all freezing their arse’s off at the game. We eventually migrated to our beds around 3 am in a gid mood. Found out mid-week that the Star drew Larkhall at home in the 4th round of the Scottish on Saturday 17 January 2009 with a 1.30 pm KO. Looking good!

So up belatedly on Sunday 14 December for shite, shave and a shampoo. Nikki decided to head for a brief visit to Bribie again but Liz said she had too much ti dae in the hoose. So one packed lunch etc later we duly departed. Really busy (and hot as f***) this time as the school summer holidays have just started. We didn’t stay long mainly because a jelly fish appeared along side Nikki while was in the water and that was her. Had enough. It was a good shout though because there were a few people going aboot nursing stings. In case your wondering, on the once burnt twice shy basis, ah hud ma baseball hat, shades and trainer socks on all the time. Yep, even when paddling in the sea! So we headed home to ready ourselves for the Roar v Newcastle Jets game about mid-afternoon.

I drove to Petrie Station (had ma quota for the weekend) to catch the train to Milton before our walk to Suncorp. We reckoned we would win by a couple of goals this time (what a difference one result makes). So we got in the stadium after our sun soaked walk to the park and settled down for the game. Nae Charlie Miller this week, his hernia now needs operated upon so he will be out for about a month. Probably got f*** all ti dae wi Xmas/New Year coming up or have ah missed the point? Much the same team as recent games but once the game started it was obvious they were set out wrong because at times we had one attacker up against five defenders. They scored after 25 minutes courtesy of oor goalie rushing oot for a baw that wisnae his and getting chipped fi 20 yards. That was the signal for a change with the manager taking a defender off and putting young Mitch Nichols on up front. We gradually came into the game and equalised in the 46th minute with a nice move up the right, good cross and diving heider by young Nichols. A sneaked 1 - 1 at half time. The second half meandered along until the Jets got a man sent off for a second yellow card with about 20 minutes to go. The game actually opened right up (for both sides) until close to the end when the Roar started to bombard the Jet’s goals. They actually hit the post twice and had it cleared off the line in the one move! So just when it looked over the baw wis put oot wide left to wee Danny Tiatto in the 92nd minute. He had a couple of strides and melted it over for van Dijk to side foot it into the net for a 2 -1 win. Told yi that van Dijk wis a gid player! Suncorp for thrills. So they are now sitting one point off the top of the league. Went home a happy team again and off to bed for this week’s rigours.

Reasonably quiet week at work but it has been 30C+ all week. So in the spirit of sharing our lives (well at least the ones that make contact every now and again, cause sharing’s a two way thing by the way) ah thought ah would give a blow-by-blow account of a recent, typical journey home. Leave work about 4.10 pm and head down the lift. Out the air-conditioned building into what can only be described as a baker’s oven affect. Get the cool dudes (shades, sun glecks whatever) on and make my way up George Street heading for Central Station. So we have this melting heat and Xmas decorations everywhere, then I arrive at the start of my walk doon Queen Street Mall. This is a pedestrian area and is heaving at the best of times, however add the school holidays and Xmas shopping and it’s f***ing chaotic. In fact the amount of shoppers have gone through the roof because there have been Xmas sales for ages. F*** knows what they are going to do on Boxing day, gie the stuff away maybe? Start doon the mall and there’s these trapeze artists (aye ah did get that right) daein what they dae to rock music then on past the crowds to this Xmas stage that is in the form of a cake come tree. This is home to regular carol singers who stand on the tiers of the tree/cake. Press on (doing an impersonation of a slalom skier) until I get to the posh mall (ken, Tiffany’s etc in it) and walk through because it’s air conditioned plus a wee short cut. Get to the corner of Adelaide and Edward Street and stand in a crowd waiting on the lights to change. It’s actually worthwhile coming to Brisbane just to watch this crossing working. Imagine it, it’s the only crossing in the CBD that allows all pedestrian movements at once by stopping all traffic at the same time. So you’ve got aboot 1,000 people trying to cross in 12 different directions! And everybody gets across. It’s f***ing unbelievable, the Matrix eat yir heart oot! Get into the station and pick up ma free mX paper (their Metro) and head for the express train to Nambour at 4.34 pm. Settle down to a read plus get the iPod on (listening to Kings of Leon, Coldplay, REM and Nickelback at the moment). Train arrives at Petrie just before 5.10 pm as I disembark and head for the car park (still melting by the way). Jump in the car to get home about 5.20 pm to be met by my loving wife and daughter (plus ma denner of course). Telling this story of course reminds me of what I enjoyed about my daily trip to Glasgow when I was back home. Correct, f*** all!!

The Xmas lunch on Monday 15 December was a modest affair (wouldnae have gone there masel) with Liz’s pieces being a better bet. The only other mid-week event of note was of course the arrival of oor Nitten furniture. I had the day off to help oot and the movers duly arrived at about 8.30 am. It’s at times like this when you realise how much stuff you’ve goat and that’s even with us having had a big clean oot before we left. Anyway it took us most of the day to get the stuff we wanted unpacked and stuffed into whatever corner they would fit. Still, of course, leaving a half full garage including table and 6 chairs, TV, stereo, DVD, video, washing machine, tumble dryer, fridge freezer to name but a few. Moved the stuff around so ah can just squeeze the car in. Awe right as long as any passenger side passengers dinae want oot! So we now have a hoose that looks like oor auld hoose in Nitten. So what didnae go smoothly? They broke oor two seater settee, so we are due a new two and three seater off them through the insurance. Some bumps and scrapes on the IKEA bedroom furniture. Also thought ah had only half ma new BBQ until ah realised the movers had opened the box and split the contents. If it had been untouched the Aussie’s would have charged me duty on new goods. Liz’s pride and joy, her Xmas tree, is now up with the usual mishap that happens to everyone. Let me know when you recognise it, ken, check the lights and they’re working, stick them oan the tree and they dinae work. How the f*** does that happen every time yi dae it? It’s like they are just deliberately trying to piss us off! Some of the decorations we thought had been taken off us actually arrived like painted cones etc. So much for their strict quarantine arrangements.

Anyway on Friday 19 December we had our special other Xmas lunch on a paddle steamer which goes up and down the Brisbane river as you have a bite to eat. Have to say ah really enjoyed it, so Jane look forward to a floating evening meal next July as we go up and doon the river. Went back to work just after 2 pm (left my colleagues to go to the Casino on their own) and worked until Liz met me outside at about 5 pm. We were meeting up with Stevie Lawson (Alan Prentice’s mate) and his Capalaba mates in the Union Jack but we got inside and couldnae see him anywhere (where the f*** were yi Stevie?). Plenty folk wi Santa Claus hats and load of pixies and elfs from Brisbane City Cooncil but nae Stevie! So we had one and headed for the Pig and Whistle at Eagle Street Pier. Busy as usual as we all basked in the early evening sunshine (probably only aboot 28C by then) having a few cold ones (as one does). Next stop was Gilhooley’s in Edward Street then the Grand Central Hotel at the station. We then caught the back of nine train to connect with the bus and headed for Finnegan’s Chin (the Chin as us locals call it) in Kallangur. Thought we might see Nikki but she wis naewhere ti be seen. So we had one and headed for the hills. Got in the hoose aboot 10.30 pm, killed a f***ing shooge spider that was on ma outside wall, tried for another cider but gave up and collapsed in bed.

So back to today. Well ah’m goani build a wee BBQ and try it oot today. Might get one or two people over but ah’ll make sure it works first. Probably no much more actually so if the plan works the BBQ plus beers will merge into the night and the fitba on the TV. So what have we today? Well the Roar have a free week because Adelaide were playing in their World Club championship qualifying game during the week and got this weekend off. The Star have Tranent at home in the 2nd round of the Fife & Lothians cup today with a 1.30 pm KO (played to the death). Look forward to texts every 5 minutes as the goals pour in! And the Hearts could have a season defining game at home to Dundee Uted today at 3 pm. Look forward to catching up with all these events later on today.

Stop press: Just been e-mailed by Steve Halley and told ti f***ing hurry up because he wants ti get ti his bed!

The rest of the weekend will be quiet probably re-acquainting ourselves with oor belongings and the like. Next week of course in Xmas. I work Monday and Tuesday then I am off until Monday 5 January. Most people at work are off most of January because this is their July if you know what ah mean. Still cannae get ma heid roond having summer holidays at Xmas time! More cards arrived from Maria, Karen & Ritchie, Mary & Peter, Helen & family plus a really nice unsigned one from someone! So thanks to everyone for them. Me and Nikki have tickets for the Twenty20 cricket at the Gabba (nae Liz!) on Boxing day. It’s Queensland v New South Wales (the enemy) with a 7.30 pm KO. Can feel the beer coming on now! We got a deal if we also bought tickets for the Western Australia game on Friday 9 January. Life’s a bitch sometimes! Anyway need a lie doon efter this so ah’ll sign off now, catch you next week.

Philosopher’s Corner: If everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride then we’d see the day when nobody died.

Yours in Nitten (almost)

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

Episoed 47

Well here I am again. Another week gone and creeping ever closer to Xmas. I would imagine that most of you guys will be organised for Xmas and New Year by now and are looking forward to the body destroying hardships ahead. As I said we are just having a quiet Xmas to ourselves and no real plans yet for the New Year. This lot don’t really do a Scottish New Year anyway so we might just keep it to ourselves again. Anyway, apart from looking forward to the festivities, how have things been going? Hope you could open our photo and Mason’s video last week. I know Ricky Quinn could! So, just to set the scene, it’s about 9 am Saturday 13 December (11 pm Friday 12 December, Nitten time) and as usual I’m out on the pateho tinkling the keyboard. It’s sunny and has to be about 25C already and due to head for 33C today. Cannae see any games being off because of frozen pitches the day. Sitting in ma shorts and T shirt looking forward to what the day ahead brings. Got various odds and ends to tell you today but no sure how many odds and ends but if ah don’t start ah’ll never find oot, will ah?

Right, so last Saturday 6 December Nikki eventually materialised but Liz refused to budge from bed. So me and Nikki got ourselves organised to go to the beach at Bribie Island. She made sandwiches (honest) and I organised the foldy chairs, Esky (chill box), towels etc. So we set-off about 11.30 am and got there about 12.15 pm. Got the gear out the car and headed for the swimming area of the beach at Woorim. It was modestly busy but with a 10 km beach it doesn’t really matter how many people are there because there is loads of room. It was about 34C by then so we had our lotion on most exposed parts. We stayed for about 3 hours (Nikki in the sea (temperature of sea 24C) a fair bit and me doing the odd bit paddling (cannae be too careful at my age)). So we packed up, chucked the stuff in the car, had a quick snack at one of the cafes and bought some ciders (in case they were needed). Got home just after 4 pm after negotiating a local traffic diversion due to the main street being closed for festive festivities. Got in the hoose and Liz burst oot laughing. It transpires that we had overcooked ourselves and oor pusses looked like well skelped arses! Yep, rid as f***, beetroots didnae have a look in. We both went to mirrors to confirm the worst and unfortunately ah hud ti add the tops o ma feet to the beetroot list. Undeterred we watched the Roar game at 5 pm before having oor showers and covering ourselves in lotion. And the moral of the story; wir red, wir white, wir frying eggs tonight, oan oor puss, oan oor puss (you ken the tune so sing along. Cannae hear yi!).

Anyway later that evening we had another storm so ah hud ti set the internet up in the hoose. The reception’s no as gid in there but ah wisnae getting soaked jist ti see or hear a few fitba scores. The TV kept cutting out due to the weather all of which resulted in me heading for the hills at 10.30 pm. Couldnae be arsed wi awe that cairry oan in ma condition. However seems ah didnae miss much because both the Star and the Hearts games wir put off due to frost. Motherwell b***ards too miserable ti put a shilling in the meter! So back to the Roar game. They were away to Central Coast and played reasonably well to come out with a 1 - 1 draw. That maintains their undefeated away record and keeps them 3rd in the league. Two screamers of goals by the way. The Roar one from ma pal van Dijk who had it laid off to him from a free kick and dispatched an unstoppable 30 yarder into the keeper’s bottom right hand side. Told you he wis a gid player!

So ah wis up at 6.15 pm on Sunday 7 December. Should try it, it’s nice and bright, peaceful and warm. It will be the same in Nitten minus the bright, peaceful and warm bit of course! Nice and quiet day with the usual paper reading and sport watching activities. Keeping well out the sun in any case! Relaxing day followed by an early night (getting auld and boring so ah um).

Busy week at work yet again. I don’t know what is happening over in the UK but the Australian and Queensland State governments are making sure the economic crisis is passing with as little impact as possible by reducing interest rates, giving plenty financial handouts to everybody and their brother and maintaining a high level of public spending on the likes of capital roads and other infrastructure schemes. It’s probably fair to say that the impact here has not been as severe as the US and UK but the likes of housing and car sales in particular have been knocked for six. Spending down generally with some shops reporting a poor Xmas already. They are predicting a modest deficit budget this year which is almost unheard of in these parts but under the circumstances no-one is really too concerned.

So back to last night Friday 12 December now. It was our wee night oot at work but before hand we all met in the big conference room on the 26th floor for refreshment, nibbles and secret Santa presents. Ah got a bottle of red wine (must think ah’m an alki) and a special ‘best accent of the year award’. There were a number of these handed out, some more complementary than others (like young Jess who got the ‘most inappropriate behaviour’ award!). Anyway Liz met up with us there before we headed for Jo Jo’s restaurant in the Mall. If you remember this is the place where you buy your own drink, order and pay for your own meal but are still in a company of about 30 odd people. Works really well by the way. We had a good night speaking to some of my work mates and their partners before the team decided to head for the Casino. We had already been told at this time of year it is impossible to get served there let along have a bet (unless you go to the $50 minimum tables) so we stayed put before heading for the 9.30 pm train. Managed to get on a Nambour express train which took less than half an hour (at that time of night) and got us connected with the last bus at Petrie. Got in the hoose and Nikki was amazed she didn’t get the call to pick us up from the station. Anyway we sat outside (still melting) and had one or two more plus a good old family laugh (especially aboot Nikki’s chinky that she bought and didn’t eat). It ended up with us all wandering to bed aboot midnight.

So back to today. Liz wants to go to Chermside because she’s seen something for Nikki’s Xmas. It will be a challenge explaining ti Nikki that she can’t go though. Rest of the day I’m not sure but I will be covering ma coupon with plenty of sun cream whatever happens. Of course Nitten have another go at playing Benburb in the Scottish today at 1.45 pm but looking at the temperature back home this week ah would imaging it must be in doubt because of frost (might already be off as I type ti stop them travelling for nothing). Hearts have a toughy away to Celtic in the league at 3 pm. They will feel they have go to pick up their act after the Boruc thumping from Hibees last week but we will see. Back home, the Roar are at home to Newcastle Jets in the league on Sunday 14 December with a 6 pm KO. Me and Nikki will be heading to shout on the boys tomorrow evening. Newcastle are the current champions but are bottom of the league at the moment. However because there are only 8 teams in the league and they have a salary structure that doesn’t allow big spenders to take over, they can still reach the top four and the play-offs with only a handful of games to go. Keeps all supports alive in the hope their team will make the play-offs and eventually win the championship which ah suppose is not a bad thing. Got a sneaky that it will be another win for the Roar to help consolidate their play-off berth.

Next week I have a couple of Xmas lunches on Monday and Friday plus have the day off on Thursday to supervise the furniture jigsaw puzzle. Yep, oor Nitten furniture is being delivered (minus some incinerated Xmas decorations that the quarantine folk didnae like the look of) and we have just got to work out where to shove it. Can see ma car being consigned to the outside car park for a while. Nikki is looking forward to her auld bed instead of the blawy-up thing she has at the moment.

Some odds and ends to finish with now. Xmas card tally increasing this week with Leigh’s going up (forgot she sent them ages ago with presents), Liz and Graham and Liz’s cousin Adele. Mason is now the proud owner of two teeth (at just over 5 months old).

Philosopher’s Corner: Remember the feet you stand on today are attached to the legs that are connected to the arse you might have to kiss tomorrow.

Yours soon to be in a furniture exhibition

Sanity Clause

Episode 46

How’s tricks? Before I start the attached photo is of the Kallangur Three in the garden. Thought I would bring you up to date with how we look. Yi ken, faces ti Ozblogs and all that. Well, as usual, ah’m sitting here in the pateho and it’s Saturday 6 December at 8 am (10 pm Friday 5 December Nitten time). It’s warm and humid but cloudy as well. Can’t think of too many earth shattering revelations that will materialise so it’s a ‘hit the delete button’ job for the thrill seekers. We were oot at our Kallangur routine Friday night haunts last night but again nae real crackers ti tell. Anyway lets plough on.

Well we eventually got our act together on Saturday 29 November and did our weekly food shopping before me and Nikki set off in search of a local game of cricket. I had been informed that Taringa were playing at Moore Park, Indooroopilly. So ah decided to track doon some of the guys I had met who play for Taringa. We eventually found Moore Park but as we wandered down towards the small crowd at the changing rooms (carrying ma Esky with bottles of cider cooling) ah wis pretty sure that I couldn’t recognise anybody. When I asked it was Inderpilly v Bracken Ridge so we headed back to Taringa’s home park and found there was a game on. Great ah thought but it turns out it was another Taringa team playing Cooperoo. Met someone ah knew from ma time doon there and he said they had all been given the wrong information because the game was actually on on Sunday! Wasted journey, so we headed back up the road to Kallangur.

Got there mid-afternoon and spent the rest of the day relaxing and reading the papers before taking Nikki to her party at Ferny Hills. We had directions but still managed to get lost. We eventually found the place after much grief. She was duly dispatched and I headed home to arrive about 7 pm. Liz had invited our Aberdeen neighbours over so we had a pleasant bite to eat and a small refreshment. Later I got the internet hooked up for the football scores and the Hearts v Rangers game live at 10.30 pm on Setanta. Also found out that the Star game had been cancelled due to frost. Watched the live game with great delight as Hearts went on to win 2 - 1 and consolidate their 3rd place in the league. As a matter of record the Hearts TV part of their website had the game billed as Heart of Motherwell v Hibernian! What the f***‘s that awe aboot? I sat up watching the rest of the scores with live SKY sports commentary and headed for bed aboot 3 am.

So Sunday was a wee lie in followed by a quiet day at home reading papers, watching sport on the TV etc. Nikki arrived home from her party and disappeared 5 hours later to another party, this time at the beach (life’s a bitch sometimes). She is actually getting a bit colour about her (see attached) rather than her usual blotchy self. The weather was cracking with clear blue skies, sunshine and 31C warmth. It was early to bed for me and the working week ahead.

Busy again at work this week but nothing a man of my calibre can’t handle. Weather has been schizophrenic this week; hot, sticky and low 30Cs during the day with lightning, thunder and rain at night. Our 1st anniversary in Oz passed quietly on Wednesday 3 December and our furniture duly arrived in Brizzy on Thursday 4 December. It’s through customs awaiting quarantine but I spoke to the removers and they reckon it will be released week beginning Monday 15 December. So the auld furniture will be moved into the new digs then. Liz and Nikki think ah’ve brought too much stuff (smart b***ards now, eh?) so ah reckon the car won’t be getting back into the garage for a while.

Liz and Nikki are still living by the way. Nikki continues to look for a job (honest) and has sent away a number of applications. They spend most of their day outside in the pateho in the warmth having the odd fag. Liz does her old house chores as usual while Nikki relaxes on the couch watching the replays of EPL matches. They also spend a lot of time with Tracy (fi Aberdeen) or at their English pal Terri’s or Nikki at Jamie‘s. Nikki occasionally borrows the car and sets me off to get the bus to Petrie station and on to work. She’s no bad though; she comes and picks me up at night. So they are into a routine of sorts. Been sent an internet video of young Mason by Leigh which Liz has burnt oot already! Let me know if the link below works (remember to ctrl + click to open it).

http://www.mad-ctu.com/eyesonlymediavids/mason.html

On my way home from work on Friday 5 December ah wis greeted by the sound of a piper busking outside the Central Railway Station. Felt just as weird as I do when I see all these Christmas decorations in this heat. Still cannae get ma heid roond that one. No much done for Xmas but Liz has dispatched all her presents and cards back home. We have received cards from Jane and Robert and Lynne and Ian already so thanks for that. We just plan to stay at home on Xmas day but have been invited to Terri’s later that day for a swim and modest refreshment but we will see what happens on the day.

Anyway ah got home last night and settled down for the weekend. We left the house not long before 8 pm and headed for the Kallangur daft club (North Leagues). Some light rain on our walk there but nothing compared to later on. The club was really busy and the Four Skin Five were geeing it big licks when we got in. Some dancing going on that would make the Legion jealous (which wouldnae be too the difficult the now because it’s shut!). Had a few and decided to move on to Finnegan’s Chin later on but was warned by the fag folk that it was pissing down by then. Decided to get a taxi rather than get saturated. The Chin just had a loud TV video thing on with the music being mair Nikki’s pish than ma rock’n’roll type. Anyway had a few and Nikki decided to head for Jamie’s. Me and Liz didn’t last much longer and headed home via another taxi (still pishing down with a vengeance). Got hame and had a cup of tea and a wee chocolate biscuit (getting auld) and off to bed leaving Liz ti finish the vodka in the hoose (can be a dangerous thing ti dae by the way).

So ah’m up early sitting on ma own (everybody now, “Ahhhhhh!) surveying ma empire. Today? We were thinking of heading for a beach somewhere but ah will need to see how the weather fairs and when ma cohorts appear. To be 34C today ah think, but with these clouds, hmm? Anyway Nitten have another go at playing Benburb today at home in the 3rd Round of the Scottish Cup with a 1.45 pm KO. Gordon Bennett sent me some nice snowy photos of Roslin Glen earlier on in the week but it seems to have got better since then albeit cold. So no sure if the game will escape the frost but we will see. Hearts continue there mammoth run up the league with an away game to Motherwell with a 3 pm KO. Hopefully another win today. Ah also see that Hearts are away to HIB positive in the next round of the Scottish Cup. Yahoo, maybe live on Setanta, naw? And Ritchie (aye ah’m talking ti you, waken up) di yi want me ti send some valium over this time or are yi just gonnae get pissed, arrested and miss the game again? Last, but by no means least, the Roar continue their stutter up the league away to Central Coast tonight with a 6 pm KO. Can feel the cider starting to flow early tonight!

Anyway no plans tomorrow yet and next week at work looks busy again. As you can imagine a few Xmas lunches looming with the main one being a dinner (pea and ham fi a chicken?) next Friday (with Liz invited of course) at Jo Jo’s in Queen Street Mall.

Philosopher’s Corner: An honest man need remember nothing.

Fact of the week: New Scientist magazine reported in 1995 that a prescribed antidepressant drug called clomipramine caused about 5% of its users to orgasm while yawning. And naw, before yi ask, ah dinae ken if it’s still on sale!

Yours in pateho

Bone Warmer

Episode 45

How’s things wi yous lot? Awe right? Good enough. Listen ah’m sitting here thinking that ma body’s natural defence system must have shut doon. In theory ah should be somewhere between deid and wanting to sleep until next year but here ah um at 9 am on Saturday 29 November oot on the pateho tapping the laptop ivories. Had a small refreshment last night (this morning) but at no time did ma body leave the estate. Strange, eh? Anyway it’s f***ing hot already, a wee bit cloudy but must be 20C+ so looking forward to a hot one. How’s the weather wi you lot back in Nitten? F*** off ya poxy b***ard, fair enough. The usual routine stuff today plus a sprinkling of incites into life in Oz. Ah sometimes wonder as you read this how your perception of what ah’m saying would change if ah could replace your eyes wi ma eyes and let you see the view ah’m looking at as ah type this stuff. Trust me, you would look at things differently. Anyway enough of the philosophising let’s get doon to it.

But ah’ve goat ti come clean first (Liz’s instructions). Remember last Friday 21 November when we met up in Brisbane before coming home from work. Well when we got off the bus in Kallangur we have a 10 minute walk back to the digs. On the way back ah decided that ah wisnae gonnae make it back without having a leak so the team were informed that first tree and ah’m right in behind it. Liz pointed oot the folly of ma ways because yi never ken what’s hidden in them trees at night. But when a man needs a pish he has ti dae it so ah wis in behind this tree (only aboot 2 minutes fi the digs) relieving masel. How gid dis that feel! Got in ti the hoose and ah noticed the back of ma hand was itchy. Yep, your right, been bitten by creature unknown. Goat up on the Saturday and ma hands nicely red and very itchy. This turned to mair redness and swelling during the day until we goat ti 4 pm when it wis pointed oot ti me that alcohol usually calms it doon. Ah thought great, so ah gets a cold one oot the fridge but at 4 am next morning it wisnae much better. But ah tried ma best, having consumed a rather large amount of beers (as yi have ti of course!). Next morning it’s still swollen, tight and red so ah’m wondering what the f*** was hidden in this tree. Anyway it was Monday before it looked anything like it should do. And the moral of the story? If your goan behind a tree for a pee keep yir hands in yir pocket and get someone else ti hud it for yi! Ah suppose it could have been worse, what if ma willy had been bitten? Best no go there!!

So Saturday 22 November when we goat organised we headed to North Lakes for our food shopping. After we got home we really just sat in the pateho taking in the warmth of the day and relaxing reading the papers. Should point out at this stage that the weather stayed more or less perfect all weekend (a bit windy on Sunday) but ah believe other areas in SE Queensland got a fair bit rain but not much more. Nikki and her pal Jamie came over aboot 4 pm (it was him that suggested the alcohol treatment) before going to parties unknown later in the evening. Ah was already readying myself for the night ahead with SKY sports internet and the Hearts commentary channel hooked up. Got a couple of nice photos from the Star travellers during the course of the evening, one from the inside of the bus before leaving for Montrose and one of a snow swept Montrose which sent shivers doon ma spine. Courtesy of Ricky Quinn and the iPhone of course. Things didn’t really turn out too well there with a 0 - 0 score turning into a 4 - 3 penalties loss. Anyway Nikki and friend went off on their adventure leaving me to sit in anticipation of the fitba evening ahead. They weren’t away too long because Nikki was wanting to sit with me and listen to the Hearts game. So we sat in the pateho (better wireless internet reception oot there) whilst the English were playing inside on FOX sports TV. Two cracking goals for Hearts (saw them on Hearts TV at the beginning of the week (Hearts winning 2 - 1 at home to Falkirk of course)). Once the final scores came in ah was still fit so started to watch Aston Bungalow v Man U but had a relapse and headed for bed at 4 am.

The big sports shock horror was conceived in oor very own backyard here in Brisbane. Yes, the extreme underdogs New Zealand beat Australia in the final of the rugby league World Cup 34 - 20 at Suncorp on Saturday night. Ah’m no really sure what the odds were but ah reckon NZ were at least 10 to 1 to win. However the tables were turned (partially) when Australia secured a 149 runs win in the first test at cricket over New Zealand early on day 4 at the Gabba (Sunday morning).

Up surprising early on Sunday 23 November and had shite, shave and shampoo before breakfast. Liz has picked up one of these viruses again (blamed Newbattle High awe these years tae) so spent a big chunk of the weekend in bed. Really lazy day before me and Nikki headed off to Suncorp about 3.30 pm for the Roar game against Perth Glory (what’s the story….). Ah drove (already had ma quota for the week) to Petrie station for the train. Discussing the game on the way there and we decided to set our sights low this week to avoid disappointment. We would have been happy if we forced a corner or had a shot at goal. So we got to the game (now doon ti only 9,000 of us) and got settled down to the spectacle. Our hopes were raised when we saw that they had three young guys in the team (especially the two up front) but big van Dijk was also in the line-up (f*** me!). Surprisingly Craig Moore played as captain coming back much earlier that anticipated from his cancer treatment. He was class all game. Have to say that the first half was poor from the Roar with Perth looking more likely to score at times. However we forced a corner as early as minute 6 and had a shot on target in minute 20. So with early ‘goals’ achieved we passed minute 45 still at 0 - 0 and ah thought ‘here we f***ing go again’. Well low and behold a classy one-two between the young guy Minniecon and Charlie and he was through, clattered down in the box, penalty. Up steps our Dutch hero and ah thought ‘f*** me’. However he dispatched his penalty with aplomb and there we were minute 46 and 1 - 0 up. What a f***ing relief. However the goals ended up like buses. Ken the one, never see yin for ages and two come along at the same time. Straight from the kick-off we regain possession get it down to van D who turns his defender, slips it across goal and there was Minniecon to stroke it into an empty net in minute 48. Ecstasy, 2 - 0 up going into the half time break. Ah told yi that big Dutch guy wis a gid player didn‘t ah?

Well it couldnae get much better could it? Well it did, in minute 55 young Zullo cuts inside his man on the left and hit’s a sweet right footer which floats over the whole defence to an unmarked Charlie who strikes his 15 yard volley into the far corner of the net for a 3 - 0 lead. At this point ah wis wishing ah hud been drinking by the way. However the extended lead was short lived with them pulling one back in the next minute. Brought another young guy on for Zullo called Mitch Nichols (which was good to see again) towards the end and he finished the game off in minute 82 with another cracker. A nice move at the edge of a busy box ended up with van D slapping it to Nichols who hit his volley on the up dipping over the desperate dive of the keeper into the roof of the net. An absolute peach! F*** me, a 4 - 1 win at home, whatever next? So we headed home a happy team in the knowledge that because of the other results at the weekend we had sneaked into 3rd place in the league.

Nikki off to another party at night as me and Liz had a lazy end to the weekend. Monday 24 November was a JIC day but my flexi credit is through the roof just now so ah needed to start getting it down to manageable levels. Really busy week at work with mair meetings than yi could shake a stick at. But better being busy than being quiet as ah always say. And while ah remember that happened to the Legion? Where’s the main depot moved ti now? Reasonable results for the British football teams in Europe (except Celtic) during the week as well.

So on to last night, Friday 28 November. Got home from work aboot 5.30 pm and had already decided we were staying in. Nikki headed for Jamie’s because he’s got Play station 3 and a massive HD screen ah think. Me and Liz stayed at home. She went over the road to the Aberdeen folk’s hoose and ah stayed in to watch the Roar away to Sydney FC at 7 pm. They played really well (apart from van Dijk) and looked like winning until a lucky equaliser woke Sydney up on the hour mark. Ended up 1 - 1 so continuing there unbeaten run away from home this season. After that ah wis watching the TV until ah got hooked and asked (get your f***ing arse over here!) to go over the road to enjoy the company of Keith and Tracy. Sat out on their pateho whilst continuing on ma Guinness Book of Records cider drinking campaign. Quite entertaining actually. Sat and watched the young folk roond aboot putting up their Xmas decorations without a ladder. Ken the one, hinging fi the roof, making pyramids etc. Naebody died so ah suppose it was a successful operation. We ended up the only folk in the scheme still up at aboot 3 am. We had various iPods connected up to a sound system so the tunes were good as well. Ah gave up the ghost aboot something o’clock and headed across the road to bed. The usual one, never said anything to anybody, just goat up and headed for the hills.

So, meanwhile back at the pateho. Ah reckon it will be a while before ah see anybody called Russell but ah think the plan today is for me to go back to Taringa to watch the cricket local derby against Indooroopilly (efter shopping of course) and Nikki is heading to her old pals place at Ferny Hills tonight for a party. I’m staying in because we can get Hearts v Rangers live on Hearts TV (courtesy of Setanta) at 10.30 pm, so ah’ll be watching that. Followed by whatever English game plus the scores of course on FOX and the internet. Big game back home is Nitten v Benburb at home in the 3rd round of the Scottish Cup at 1.45 pm. A tough one but I’m sure they are up to it. It is also our wedding anniversary today but don’t you concern yourselves aboot that. Ah’m no bothered that yi didnae send us ah card, honest! Liz is cooking up a storm so ah’m looking forward ti that as well. Apart from all that we have no real plans for the weekend (nothing yi can get arrested for anyway (ah think!)).

Next week is a big week also. We arrived on Oz soil on 3 December 2007 and our furniture is due to arrive on the banana boat. Hopefully all will be well on our 1st anniversary and the furniture is all in one piece (or loads o pieces actually). So we will be in the next phase of our life ‘doon by’ soon.

Philosopher’s Corner: Who put the baw in the JAMBO'S net?

Yours in warm comfort

Roary Winner

Episode 44

Well, it’s been a funny old week (weather-wise) and it’s no finished yet apparently. Mair storms due today but read the stuff later on. So it’s 8 am Saturday 22 November (10 pm Friday 21 November for the Nitten folk) as I sit here on the pateho in already melting heat. It has to be above 20C already. Surveying my empire which is as good a lead as any to introduce the first picture of three today. The first picture is of our local mum and kid Koalas. No sure sometimes who’s more curious; us or them. Well had a moderate drink last night and lived to tell the tale despite some English folk trying to make it other wise but read on. Lots of weather stuff and sport to get through so ah hud better crack on if ah want ti get ti ma bed tonight!

Anyway, last Saturday 15 November we got ourselves organised (eventually) and headed off food shopping at North Lakes. Nothing undue to report, so we got home mid afternoon and readied ourselves for the BBQ invite. Have to say it was melting hot by then so we were wilting from that and the night before. Anyway we dutifully got ourselves (minus Nikki) over to Terrie and Gavin’s. They are from Boston, England (near Skegness) and stay about 5 minutes away as the crow flies (15 minutes walking, 5 minutes driving). Got there and cracked open a cold one and had a chat for a bit. They have a low set (4 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, 2 car garaging) with new pool. Decent location but they have a shitey looking caravan/mobile home/chalet site behind their back garden. Have to say that I had a few but was still feeling the affects of the night before so I wasn’t setting a formidable pace. They got the BBQ kindled up and made a nice meal which we devoured with ease. Stayed ‘till about 11.30 pm and wandered home. Liz had had enough but I stayed up and watched the end of the Bolton v Liverpool game plus half of the Man U v Stoke City game whilst also watching the scores on SKY sports internet and listening to the Hearts commentary on the internet. Multi-tasker me (but see philosopher‘s corner)! Anyway good 3 points for Hearts again (1 - 0 away to Inverness CT (shitey wins will do me any day)) and also for the Star 2 - 1 away to Dundonald Bluebell. However gave up at about 2.30 am and went to bed.

Sunday 16 November was another melter with me up first for shite, shave, shampoo and breakfast. After the team surfaced and got themselves organised Liz and I went a run to Dayboro but the long way round via Samsonvale (nice picnic areas) whilst Nikki went swimming at Bribie with her ‘pal’ Jamie (dinae ask!). We had the usual pit stop in Dayboro for a drink and snack out of the bakers and headed home. It was really warm by then about 32C but all was to change when we got home. Late afternoon the wind began to pick up and then the clouds started to form. This was followed by some loud thunder, sheet lightning and some unbelievably torrential rain (see attached photo of lightning over Brisbane). There were some areas round about us with rather big puddles and our 5,000 litre water tank was overflowing. Water tank’s quite clever because it fills the toilets and the washing machine so saving water. Anyway, meanwhile back at the deluge, we got to about 5 pm and the power went. Ah thought, f*** me whatever next. So we spent the rest of the night in darkness apart from some small tea light candles and only the gas hob for power. Went to bed early hoping to wake up on Monday morning and find it was all over. Well the rain was but the power didn’t come on until 9 am. So had day off work because ah didnae fancy going in smelly and unshaven (what do you mean it never stopped me before?).

It transpires that about 230,000 homes lost power in the wider Brisbane area. There was also an area of west Brisbane that was hit pretty badly with extensive damage to properties, trees uprooted and power cables taken down. This of course continued through the week with further torrential rain and seemed never ending at one stage. In fact on Wednesday night there were some areas where 250 mm fell and caused lots of transport disruption (see photo of flooding (11 million litres of water) in the Inner City Bypass tunnel) plus further damage to property. The only saving grace was that it was reasonably warm most of the time. They are talking about the succession of storms being the worst ever in Brisbane’s history. And, as ah noted earlier, we are due more today.

On a sporting vein, Australia stole three points away to Bahrain in their World Cup qualifier on Wednesday night. They were absolutely pish but scored a goal in the 93rd minute to win 1 - 0. So they now have nine points out of nine and play Japan away in their next game in February. It is already pretty certain already that they will both qualify for the finals in South Africa in 2010. Notice Scotland lost 1 - 0 to Argentina in their friendly at Hampden on the same night. Didn’t hear anything about the game but did big Terry stick the heid on Maradona? Australia also started their first cricket test at the Gabba, Brisbane against New Zealand on Thursday. Haven’t a clue how that game survived the storms. It seems the pitch wasn’t too bad despite the rain but was damaged because part of the roof landed on it. F*** me! Ah suppose another thing it shows is how localised the storms and the damage were. That game is about to go into its third day and Australia are already half way through their second innings so, if the weather hold up down there, it could be pretty much finished today.

Wumin’s story to tell you now, so if you’re a womin’s libber don’t read any further because it may offend. Imagine the scene, you’ve got three wumin in a car trying to read a map ti find where they are and how they get to where they are trying to go. Disnae bear thinking aboot, does it? Well on Thursday 20 November Liz, Nikki (driving) and Terrie decide to go a trip to Chermside shopping centre (aboot 10 km or 15 minutes drive whatever way yi want ti look at it). However they decided to got the back roads ‘for a change’. Big mistake. One hour later they stopped and asked directions (think they were near the airport by then) and got guided into the centre of toon where they then took oot the map. F*** knows what happened from there because they tried to explain it but ah wis lost just by their description of where they were. Suffice ti say they eventually landed in Chermside some 2 hours later! Eventually got home by travelling the direct route (best decision of the day). And the moral of the story? Buy yir wife a bus pass!

So back to Friday 21 November. We decided to meet up in Brisbane toon centre after ma work for a few. We met initially at Central station and had one or two at the Grand Central Hotel bar. Mobbed as usual and it didn’t get much better in the Pig & Whistle at Eagle Street Pier. So we ended up at Gilhooleys Irish pub in Edward Street. No as busy so we had oor ain wee alcove to oorsels as we sat and watched the world go by. However about 8 pm ah wis at the bar and heard these ruptions going on behind me and next thing a knew there were these 8 blokes (mainly English) having a rammy (ken the one, two fighting and 6 trying ti stop it). Widnae have bothered too much but they kept barging into me so ah jist kept dunting them back so where they came from. Ti pit it intae perspective though, ah’ve seen a better fight between two wimen in the bottom shop! Anyway we headed back to Central for a drink before catching the last train that gets you the bus connection in Petrie about the back o 9 pm. Wandered doon the road and we all migrated to bed for an earlyish night.

Today will be a quiet day ah think but there is lots on sports wise. Apart from what ah huv mentioned already there is also the small matter of the final of the rugby league World Cup between Australia and New Zealand at Suncorp with a 7 pm KO. No sure if they’ve fund the cup yet but it should be a comfortable win for the Aussies. There is also Hearts v Falkirk at home with a 3 pm KO (Yogi, Yogi what’s the score….). Nitten away to Montrose Roselea in the 2nd round of the East of Scotland Cup at 1.45 pm. Scene of the supporters’ biggest cairry oot last year (see you number seven, your pish!). Hope to partake of the usual fitba injection tonight so will be waiting on the Star result in anticipation.

Tomorrow me and the wee yin are off to Suncorp again ti watch the Roar tackling Perth Glory with a 5 pm KO. Gluttons for punishment or what? Just hope the big useless c***s up front arenae playing and they give some of the young guys a chance. Couldnae dae any worse, trust me. Probably have a trip to Redcliffe in the morning to keep Liz happy. So ah think that’s aboot that, catch you later.

Philosopher’s Corner: If women are so good at multi-tasking how come they can’t have a sair heid and sex at the same time?

Episode 43

You know how sometimes in life you feel that something isn’t right? Sometimes your daein something and you just know instinctively that there is something oot there that does not compute. Something that you can’t quite put yir finger oan but you know its there. Sort of like, I know I am doing what I am doing but I also know that there is something that tells me I am short of the mark. Well see if there is could you tell me aboot it because I have never come across that sort of situation! Feeling better now. How yi doing, heh, auld Isobel I’m talking ti you now. Fair enough jist ignore me. Sitting in the pateho at aboot 9 am again on Saturday 15 November (11 pm Friday UK time). Hope your no staying up waiting on this pish! Anyway it’s rather warm although (as I will probably hint later) the weather is rather mixed just now with us getting clouds and rain plus warmth most of the week. I’ve got a lot to tell you aboot nothing so I had better crack on.

So after we got our act together on Saturday 8 November we headed for Redcliffe first of all to let Nikki see the lie of the land. Couple of Redcliffe landmark names to run by you for your delight; the name of the place we have our usual walk is called ‘Humpybong Parade’ and the eatery just up the road is called ‘Phat Kebabs’ (which is nice). Meanwhile back at the story, have to say it was warm but cloudy and breezy (theme of the weekend actually). So we had a wander around and a bite to eat at the ‘Coffee Club’ (sponsors of the Roar) before returning to North Lakes for some food shopping. After we got home me and Nikki had a quick shower and headed for the football about 4 pm (7 pm KO but cannae be too early when there is beer involved). Have to say that I don’t really want to say too much about the game but anyway there were one or two wee events that made me and the wee yin happy. Started close to home actually. Phoned a taxi to take us to the railway station at Petrie and as we left the hoose to catch it at the road end Liz ran after us and gave me the hoose key in case she was in her scratcher when we goat home. Anyway these keys also have the wee button ti open and shut the garage. So as we walked towards the main road ah decided to f*** aboot and see if ah could annoy someone by opening their garage door with ma key. Nae luck though. Goat to the end of the scheme and the phone goes (Nikki had borrowed Liz’s mobile) with Liz asking us to shut the garage door and stop mucking aboot. Ah will tell you this boy that wee button works over a fair distance. Pressed the button but nothing happens so Liz had to find the spare wee button ti shut it. Stand for ages waiting on the taxi until we gave up so ah sent Nikki back for the car. We would just leave it at the station and get it on Sunday. So she heads back and two minutes later the phone goes in Nikki’s handbag. It’s Liz telling me to stop f***ing aboot wi the garage door no realising that Nikki was heading back for the car and was probably testing the distance the wee button could work at.

So that was all sorted oot and we headed for the station and the train to Roma Street for a walk round to Caxton Street for a small refreshment before the game. Had a few and then it started to piss of rain big time. So me and Nikki acquitted ourselves with two nice yellow ponchos (awfi sensible but no very pretty but we wer’nae caring). So we goat to the game (against Melbourne Victory), goat mair drink and settled doon to watch the entertainment. Ah use the term ‘entertainment’ loosely because they managed to lose again 1 - 0 (so nae singing because we only sing when we’re winning, or goat too much to drink, or baith actually). Widnae be so bad but they never had a f***ing shot on target again. So we headed for the train home swearing and cursing plus directing abuse at our useless forward line. Goat on the train and headed home to Petrie. Jumped in a taxi and arrived home about 10.30 pm. Watched just over the first half of the Arsenal v Man U game and headed for ma kip.

Goat up on Sunday 9 November still not completely over the pish ah saw the night before to be cheered up by hearing that the Star had won 3 - 0 at home to Blairgowrie and Hearts beat St Mirren away 1 - 0 despite playing most of the game with 10 men. Anyway before breakfast ah goat on the phone to Billy Gunn to wish him a happy 60th birthday at the Star’s club. Seems like a good night was being had by one and all. Also received a photo of him cutting his cake through wonders of modern technology, that is, Ricky Quinn’s iPhone. Also found a good rendition of ‘Sweet Caroline’ on Liz’s phone from persons unknown (suspect it was Nikki’s Scottish pals). Later headed to the station to pick up the car before going to Bribie Island for a walk up the beach. Cloudy, windy and warm again but not as busy as usual. Returned to finish weekend watching the sport on the TV and catching up with some internet stuff.

Working week started quietly enough but with the news that Australia would probably no longer lift the rugby league World Cup. Shock, horror, you might think but it turns oot that somebody in Queensland’s done a runner with it! Well f*** me. And of course Australia also lost their cricket test away to India 2 - 0. Watched a fair bit of the four tests on the TV and have to say they were well beaten. Adelaide duly played their return leg of the Asian Champions League cup in front of a sell out home crowd (which is only 17,000 by the way) on Wednesday 12 November. Lost two goals in the first 15 minutes so that was them 5 - 0 down on aggregate and the baw burst so to speak. Osaka were quite weird in as much as they were still putting in life saving tackles plus running the length of the park to try and score another goal in the last few minutes of the game (what the f*** were they trying to prove I ask?). Hearts of course earned another good three points at home to Hamilton in the league on the same night. Hearts and the Roar should have the weekend off due to international duty. So no quite sure why Hearts are away today against Inverness Coloured Textiles at 3 pm while Scotland have Argentina at home in an international friendly on Wednesday 19 November. Maybe they’re just pish and have nae international players playing for them!? The same night Australia are away to Bahrain in their next Asian World Cup qualifying campaign game. Wee bit bad news about Craig Moore (ex Rangers now Roar captain) because he has been diagnosed with testicular cancer. Seems fine though and expecting to return in about 2 weeks.

Nikki continues to pursue jobs but with no success to date but we will see. Hopefully something soon. Oh, and as promised, attached is photo of Mason as a pumpkin. What can ah say? Photo of our local Koala family next week.

Last night, Friday 14 November, ah got home at ma usual time (aboot 5.30 pm), had something to eat in the pateho and opened a bottle of Stella just to cool myself (ma story and ah’m sticking to it!). Once ma team got ready it was 7.30 pm when we left the hoose and headed to Kallangur Legion (North Leagues club) to show Nikki how the other half lives. Have to say she thinks the folk there are’nae as sensible as the Nitten variety (and she’s probably right). However they don’t try ti rip folks’ heids off like the Nitten variety! Sat there for a bit listening to the Four Skin Five and having a few beers. Then decided to head for Finnegan’s Chin to end the evening. Decent band on their mantelpiece of a stage and the usual suspects in (getting ti ken them already). Had mair than a few and headed home about something o’clock (couldnae bite ma fingers so how wis ah expected ti count?). Got hame and sat out in the early morning heat having a glass of something alcoholic and cold (couldnae bite ma fingers so how wis ah meant ti ken what ah wis drinking?). Ended up going to ma bed sometime (that’s just an estimate).

So where does that all leave us. Less informed and numb? Today is not a day for someone with a nippy heid. Why ah hear you ask? Well we have been invited to Liz’s English pal’s (remember the talkative one?) all day BBQ. F*** me, ah can see me already floating upside doon in her pool at aboot 6 pm! So not sure when the troops will arise but we will need to prepare thoroughly for this outing or someone will not survive. So if there is no Ozblog next week yi ken it wiz me! Of course there is also the Star away to Dundonald Bluebell today with a 2 pm KO. If ah remember rightly that was our first game last year in the Premier League. Arrived there full of hope (and the supporters full of alcohol) only to be beaten 2 - 1. Have a funny feeling it will be different this year. Gie us yir usual text auld yin. Ah will read it on Monday!

Tomorrow is in the lap of the gods (if you haven’t worked it oot already!). And next week is quiet apart from a whole load of sport. So look forward ti me telling you lots of stuff you already knew (apart from Australia lifting the rugby league World Cup)! Difficult decisions loom like do we go to see the first test between Australia and New Zealand at cricket at the Gabba or the Roar and Perth Glory at Suncorp? Heid and heart are having a debate as we speak. Also found out that Fall Out Boy are coming to Brisbane in February and Kings of Leon in March. Get yirself’s ower here for a ball!

You ever get that feeling that although you’ve said a lot you’ve said nothing? Kind of like you’ve explained what you have had to explain but there is something missing. You can’t quite put yir finger oan it but you know there’s something lacking? Sort of like you have said a fair bit aboot it but never quite reached the ultimate conclusion? So do ah! What was ah saying? Oh aye, see you when ah get ma glasses.

Philosopher’s Corner: What's the speed of darkness?

Sorry but I’ve found another fact that I can’t keep ti masel. Apparently it is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy if your name is Mary. Virgin for short but no for long?

Your in relative comfort, thanks for asking

The Magic Garage Man

Episode 42

Well, back again. Yi no getting fed up o me yet? Just say and ah’ll save yi getting repetitive strain injury pressing the delete button. Sorry, that wis jist a ‘wanting everybody to love me’ moment. Right, ah’m better noo. So I’m sitting oot on the pateho in ma PJs at 9 am on Saturday 8 November (11 pm Friday 7 November back in the UK). Have to say that it is absolutely melting already, a bit cloudy but really warm. Had the fans on in the room last night because it was so warm. This week’s been a funny week weather wise. Been anything from thundery, lightning and heavy rain to sunny and 32C. Have to say it’s really weird coming out your air conditioned office into a bakers oven! Catches your breath so it does. Jist had a wee Alka S and sitting with a f***ing hot Shin Cup (does it for me anyway). Bit of a hotch potch this week so don’t know how it will turn out but here goes.

So back to Saturday 1 November first of all. We did what we had to do and headed off to the airport in glorious sunshine. Nikki’s flight was on time so she duly emerged from the international arrivals about 11.30 am. Packed her into the car (after she and her mother had a fag of course) and headed home to Kallangur. Showed her around the hoose and she was suitably impressed. Got her settled in and we headed for North Lakes shopping centre for our food etc shopping. Showed her around there then headed home. The rest of the afternoon and night were lazy with the usual stuff including sport on the TV. Forgot to tell you that New Zealand played Australia at rugby union in Hong Kong for the Bledsoe Cup. The All Blacks did them again 19 - 14 this time. Then it was Everton v Fulham followed by Man U v Hull City plus looking at the results on the internet. Gave up after these games, a dozen or so Stellas and hearing the joyous news about Nitten Star. Yes, they did it and march on into the 3rd round of the Scottish Cup at the expense of our local rivals Arniston Rangers with a 1 - 0 score line. Never heard anything about the game but the result will do me.

Sunday 2 November was equally lazy with a similar agenda to the day before. The weather was quite disappointing. Warm enough but pretty cloudy so we confined our usual outing to letting Nikki drive around locally to get used to the lie of the land. Gave up mid-evening again after watching the Roar winning away from home (again) at Newcastle Jets 2 - 1 with Charlie Miller getting the winner (excess weight, hernia and all) by way of a cracking dropped volley shot. They are now up to 3rd in the league and one win off the top. By the way, they have only won 1 point at home this season! That’s the gemme, keep yir home support happy why don’t yi (not). However found out later that Hearts were robbed again by Celtic at Tynecastle 2 - 0.

The acting Director week at work drifted along quietly interrupted by the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday 4 November. To let you know the Melbourne Cup is a horse race that has the whole of Australia grinding to a halt for half a day (at least). It’s a mixture of the Derby as far as class horses are concerned and the Grand National as far as punters are concerned. They even build special bookies places in the likes of Queen Street mall. They open the bookies at 7 am and there was a crowd in when ah passed on my way to work at 7.15 am. It’s a mixture of New Year for drink and Xmas for eating. The whole place just grinds to a halt. Every pub, hotel, restaurant runs their £30 lunches. Every work place has their parties and multiple sweeps. Women wander aboot as if they are at Ascot with their fancy gear on. There, tried to describe it but you really would have to be here to understand the affect it has on the place.

However goat hame on Tuesday ti find that Nikki already had her Biggles mask oan like last time. Remember? Oot in the sun wi the sunglasses oan and goat too much sun. Takes the sunglasses off and her eyes are still white. Jist nae telling some folk! Some midweek sport, Adelaide lost 3 - 0 in their first leg of the Asian Champions League final against Osaka away from home. Quite simply there were pish and got exactly what they deserved. They are at home next week in the second leg. Ah reckon Osaka will score again so that makes it five goals to win (no chance!). Scotland had a momentous win in the Rugby League World Cup 18 - 16 against Fiji. What a team, we can play at anything. North Queensland Fury were officially announced as the 10th team in the A League for next season (with ex-Rangers Ian (soor puss) Ferguson as manager). The other new team being Gold Coast United, so there will be three Queensland teams next season. And what a poor performance by all our European Champions League teams; five teams, nae wins!

Also Nikki and Liz have been getting aboot with Nikki being able to drive the both of them here and there. Nikki is applying for jobs again (honest) so we will see what happens there. They’ve been shopping, visiting friends and swimming in our communal pool in the estate. What a hard life!

A couple of Brizzy people observations if I may. It’s absolutely amazing how many people you come across doon here that are the spitting image of people back home. Honest, some are so close that ah huv almost spoken to one or two of them. It must be the auld Scottish convict genes again ah suppose. Also, you think we have fat wimen back in Scotland do you? Well, f*** me, you want to see the size of some of the Aussie wimen. Ah’ve never seen so many fat burds per acre as ah’ve seen doon here. Followed a wumin doon the street to work the other day and her arse wis so big that either cheek had a different post code! You’ve goat ti watch oot where they sit in the train as well because if you get in beside them yi need a crow bar ti get back oot the seat!

So last night (Friday 7 November) was Nikki’s first night oot with her maw and paw. This is actually quite unusual in Brizzy because naebody goes oot with there maw and paw here. Of course most folk have there ain money which does make it easier. So we went up to Finnegan’s Chin after a small refreshment in the hoose. They had another good one man band on so we sat there all night swallowing and listening to tunes. Nikki and Liz met the usual strays oot in the smoking zone so I had a blether with some of them as well. One of them promised Nikki a job so we will see how much drink he had in the next few days! No real events of note to relay to you apart from the fact that we goat the singer to sing an absolutely brilliant rendition of ‘Sweet Caroline’ by Neil Diamond. Had the place rocking so we did (was there ever any doubt?). We eventually packed up about midnight and headed for the hills. Goat hame and me and Nikki headed for bed but Liz was in the weave (if yi ken what ah mean).

So back to today, not really sure what’s happening, ah will need to speak to the team when they surface. There will be food shopping involved and maybe a visit to Redcliffe. Tonight is Nikki’s comeback to Suncorp with the Roar playing Melbourne Victory at home with a 7 pm KO. Need to be in early for a few beers of course (as one does). Liz has refused to go with us because me and Nikki were discussing what songs we were going to sing before we bought the tickets. Liz has decided on a quiet night in with her new book. Ho, hum. Of course we also have Nitten at home to Blairgowrie in the recently cancelled league game with a 2 pm KO. Three points today are a big deal for them. Hearts of course continue to stumble their way through the season with an away game to St Mirren (Celtic reserves) at 3 pm. We plan to get home from the fitba in time for the Man U game on Foxtel at 10.45 pm but we will see. Let us know the Star score as usual. Thanks.

The rest of the weekend is equally fluid so we will see what happens tonight first. Might get lifted at the gemme for enjoying ourselves, yi never know! Next week ah’m back to Joe Ordinary at work and apart from another big dose of sport can’t see anything else of significance looming on the horizon. Oh ah wis hoping to send a photo of Mason dressed as a pumpkin at his first Halloween party but the photographer has let me doon. Maybe next week though (better late than never!). TTFN.

Philosopher’s Corner: How come the word monosyllable had five syllables in it?

Ah also couldnae resist chucking in a ‘fact of the week’ that ah came across. Apparently the average weight of a smell is 760 nanograms (f*** knows how they know). All ah can say is that they have obviously never weighed Big Clerky’s!

Your in even mair warmth

Burn Toot

Episode 41

Well, well. You’ll never guess what’s happening today? Is it going to be sunny and warm 29C? Well that wisnae really much o a challenge but that’s no the right answer (well it is but that’s no what ah meant). The prodigal daughter returns today! Yep, at 10.35 am (12.35 am UK time) Saturday 1 November Cathay Pacific flight CX103 lands at Brisbane from Hong Kong with one Nikki Russell on it. Seen the light and decided that she is better off in the land of Oz. So we will be heading there in a bit to pick her up if ma tyres hav’nae melted with the heat before then. Ah did tell you it’s warm over here did a no? Aye, well sorry for mentioning it again (not). Heard it’s been rather chilly over there recently. Well ma heart bleeds for yi (not).

So anyway I’m sitting out on the pateho in ma PJs about 8 am. Absolutely glorious morning. Ah jist wish you could see what ah can see at the moment. Trust me you would be on the next plane yirselfs! So ave jist finished a pot noodle and a wee Alka Selzer and all of a sudden the world is a much more recognisable place. Been a quiet week, so nothing of much note to relay to you so if ‘routine’ disnae tug yir wire (float yir boat etc) press ‘delete’ now. Still here? Well let’s crack on. By the way, if you want to make the geography lessons mean a bit more, ah suggest you get something like ‘Google Maps’ up on your screen and follow it while you read these ramblings.

So on Saturday 25 October we did what we had to do and headed off for a tour of the Sunshine Coast hinterland. We went the back roads down to Dayboro before turning onto the Mt Mee tourist route which is quite a winding, steep road but with great views. One of the routes used by aging bikers (ken what ah mean Robert R?) to vent their pent up frustrations in life. We stopped at one of the look-out points which has great views of the Glasshouse mountains and beyond to Moreton Bay. We then headed off for Woodford where we stopped for a cold bottle of water at the local IGA. Ah got the route map oot on the bonnet to remind myself of the road between there and Maleny (whilst Liz was off to buy the water) when one of the locals came up and asked me where I was trying to get to. I said Maleny and got the auld classic response of “Maleny? Ah wouldnae have started fi here!” (in Australian of course). What could ah say? He then prattled on about how ah should have gone up this and the next road because it’s the best way to go. Well ah hadnae, a thought to masel, so how the f*** do a get to Maleny from here ya cockend?! Anyway he eventually left me to work it oot for masel (thank f***). Actually it wasn’t too difficult and half an hour later we were there. It’s quite a nice place with lots of cafes and shops selling local produce, arts and crafts etc. We had a drink and a sandwich in one of the cafes before heading home via Landsborough and the Australia Zoo. We stopped at North Lakes shopping centre for our weekly provisions and ah hud been saying to Liz that the cairry oot place was at the opposite end of the shopping centre from Woollies and was a pain in the arse trying to do both (almost made me want to give up drink (ah said ‘almost’ remember!)). She had found out there was a place outside in the middle of the centre (in a poor location) called Dan Murphy’s and she had been told it was worth a visit. Well, f*** me, ah huv never seen a place like this in ma puff! It was huge and had every beer, wine and spirits in the world (or so it seemed). Great prices too so guess where ah’ll be getting ma supplies from now on? We eventually got home and settled down to the reading of the paper and watching football on the TV. Local A League games first of all followed by Everton v Man U, Sunderland v Newcastle and WBA v Hull City (boy are they a surprise package this season). Also had SKY sports internet site keeping me up to date with all the other scores. Managed to see off most of my Peronis before heading to bed about 2 am.

Found out during the night that all has not gone well recently back home because on top of still not selling my house in Nitten the drugies have broken into my empty hoose by breaking one of the back windows (with ma sledge hammer!). Shower of b***ards! Anyway Jane (Liz’s sister) and Leigh have things under control. Anyway, back to last Saturday, Hearts forced a 1 - 1 draw with Aberdeen at home and of course the Star’s game was off because of wet, cold, miserable weather. Did ah mention that it’s been 27/29C and sunny here all week? Naw? Scotland also got hammered (eventually) by France in rugby league World Cup so it looks like that’s something else we won’t win.

So it was a wee lie-in on Sunday 26 October before getting my act together and taking a wee trip down to Redcliffe via a quick car run around some Kallangur areas we haven’t visited yet. We also had a run around Redcliffe before visiting our usual haunts and coming home via a trip to Morgans for fresh prawns and mussels. Missed the Roar game on the TV apart from the last 10 minutes but they had a good 1 - 0 away win at Wellington Phoenix (New Zealand team). Becoming totally unpredictable so they are! Rest of the day was relaxing with an early bed as usual.

Work week was just a ticking over event with nothing of real note to report. However ah thought ah would do relay a couple of observation of life that ah had cause to recollect. First of all, remember how ah told you in the past that taxi drivers (young SE Asians mostly) are f***ing useless because they don’t know their way about and you have to guide to where you want to go? Well a bloke in ma work got into one of their taxis last weekend and the driver (young SE Asian) was actually reading hand written bits of paper that told him that the green lights meant he could go and the red lights meant he had to stop! F*** me. Ah think ah would have got out and walked. Also ma trip to Brisbane in the train to work is starting to piece together people profiles (if you know what ah mean). There’s this one guy who gets on at Geebung, looks normal, wee, decent T shirts and jeans plus back pack but he’s no really the full shilling. He usually stares at folk and does a bit talking to himself, no problem there you would think, but a some stage of the journey he moves about the carriage bending doon and taking things oot his bag and putting them under a seat. Usually watch him with ma iPod oan and it’s usually just newspapers but the other day there was also a CD/DVD in a case plus a broken pipe/tool! What the f***s he up ti? Thinks he’s a bomber or something? Or maybe just territorial pissing? Suggestions on the back of a fag packet.

So back to Friday 31 October. Glorious day (have ah no said that already?) so me and Liz met in Brisbane CBD for a quick and cheerful bite to eat in Queen Street mall before going back to Grand Central hotel bar at Central train station. Really busy on a late Friday afternoon with folk heading home from work and the India v Australia 3rd test (cricket) oan their big TV screens. Had a couple and met guys of Scottish and Irish decent (seems like we sent a load of criminals over here at some stage) and had a crack about Scottish geography before heading to Toowong and the RE. Yep, decided to go on an auld haunts night oot. It was quite quiet as we downed a few whilst watching the cricket. Left early and headed for the P&W at Inderpilly. Had a few more and listened to a few tunes by Salmon. Funny how it wis the same band efter awe that time, naw? Then headed for the train via Inderpilly Hotel. Got hame via taxi from Petrie station at aboot 11 pm. Aberdeen neighbours wir oot in their back gairden so we got some drink and joined them. Left about 1 pm and dived into bed.

So back to today. Well after picking up the prodigal daughter we will probably confine ourselves to food shopping because I am sure she will be knackered and off to bed. Back home of course it’s a momentous occasion with the Star at home to our neighbours Arniston Rangers in the 2nd round at the Scottish Cup with a 2 pm KO. How come naebody told me aboot that? I will be their in soul and definitely sitting up to receive multiple texts as the game goes on. If my memory serves me well the last time we played them in this trophy was in the early seventies with Jazzy Pride playing and a 5 - 1 win at Arniston including an Ian Anderson hat-trick. Something close to that will be fine. Hearts v Celtic at home on Sunday 2 November at 2 pm looks interesting and the Roar away to Newcastle on the same day at 2.15 pm. Both games difficult to predict but here’s hoping…. I intend sitting up watching the EPL as usual tonight so look forward to the good news.

The rest of the weekend is fluid (if yi ken what ah mean) so anything could happen. We have a few options so let’s see what happens. Next week I am standing in for the Director again (could get a job eventually) so that will be good (the money will be anyway!). Adelaide play the first leg of their Asian Champions League final away to Agama Osaka (think that’s how you spell it) on Wednesday 5 November so we will see what happens there. Anyway catch you later.

Philosopher’s Corner: If Wile E Coyote can afford to buy all that ACME pish then why does he not just buy something to f***ing eat?

Yours in warmth

The (soon to be) Kallangur Three

Episode 40

Phew, that’s better. I thought they f***ing trees outside ma back gairden had disappeared for a minute! Anyway, I’m fine noo, had a wee Alka Selzer Xcess and all of a sudden the world’s a much brighter place. And, on the theme of sharing lifestyle experiences, I’m also having one of them ‘hot as f***’ Shin Cups cause I always go for the hot and spicy stuff after a few beers the night before. So, I’m sitting out on the pateho in ma PJs, it’s aboot 9 am on Saturday 25 October (midnight Friday/Saturday for most of you lot) and the temperature is about 18C, the odd cloud in the sky but the forecast for the next 4 days is 27/29C and fine. I have to say that they do a gid ‘fine’ over here. They always put that in their forecast if there is any danger of a cloud in the 24 hours of the forecast (just in case (JIC)). So how’s things with you lot? Been bearing up over the last week? Been a Champions league week with some cracking scores and even Adelaide Utd at this end have reached the (two leg) final of the Asian Champions League against Japanese opponents Osaka (the holders). Will let you know what happens there. However let’s get cracking.

So, starting with Saturday 18 October, we managed to get hold of Peter Graham (ex Gorebridge/Mayfield) and his wife Fiona (ex Easthouses) after we had been to North Lakes shopping centre for our provisions for the week plus some alcoholic beverages (as yi dae of course). He had been out and about on his motorbike and off to Redcliffe to pick up his Red Cross parcel (as he calls it). He knows a butcher that makes haggis, black pudding, meat pies etc etc and gets a consignment every now and again. Anyway we invited him to our humble abode and he arrived late afternoon. We had been reading the papers and watching the sport on the TV up until his arrival. Liz knocked up something to eat and we had a few beers before they left for home about 7 pm. I then watched some of the India v Australia cricket test plus the A League game between Newcastle and Melbourne (in the Roar’s league). I had the internet going for the results service on SKY sports and settled down to watch the Middlesboro and Chelsea game. I use the term game loosely because I have not seen such a one-sided match at this level for a long time. By that time I had scoffed all the German beer and had started on the Stellas so I was feeling a wee bit yon way (if yi ken what ah mean) by that time. I lasted to the end of that game and started to watch the Arsenal v Everton game before giving up and heading for bed. A reasonable result for Nitten at Kinnoul with them drawing 1 - 1 so they are keeping up with the pace (just).

On Sunday 19 October we had a quiet day but headed for Redcliffe to take in the sunshine (it was about 28C and generally a cracking day) and have a coffee. We returned mid-afternoon and spent the rest of the day sitting out in the pateho, reading the papers and watching mair sport on the TV. So it wis early bed ready for the week ahead. Found out in the morning that the Hearts v Hibs game ended up with a 1 - 1 score line, so honours even in the first Edinburgh derby of the season.

The move to the 19th floor from the 24th floor at work had passed off quietly over the weekend. Our workshop went quite well on Tuesday/Wednesday with the contributions/involvement of the attendees being appreciated. Tuesday 21 October was a momentous occasion with the three piece suite incorporating chaise lounge duly arriving. This of course meant the outdoor chairs could go outdoors (funnily enough). We also got word that our furniture has left the UK and is due in Brisbane on 4 December which means we should get it about 2 weeks later (after quarantine) in time for Xmas.

So, yesterday Friday 24 October, started quietly with me going to work in TFIF mode. Meaning that we have now got a definite ‘dress down Friday’ theme going in my team which is quite good because anyone who doesn’t dress down gets it tight. So work ticked over and me and Liz decided to go to the North Leagues club (now members of course) a bit early for our dinner then a few beers. Have to say that the food was quite good and reasonably priced (think it was about less than £10 in total for a substantial main meal for both of us). Anyway we finished our meal and headed for the bar (as one does) for a small ‘end of the week’ refreshment. The club was settling down nicely for its Friday night out and of course Liz headed for her first ootside fag of the night. Funny how life revolves around the outside fag now, isn’t it? Anyway she came back and said she had met some English folk who had invited us over to join them. I of course hesitated (mainly because I was having a sneezing fit at the time (some things never change!)) but eventually went over to these three couples who were parked near the bar outside the TAB (bookies). They were actually quite nice (for English folk) so we spent the rest of the night over there. The next thing ah um going ti tell you will come as a shock to most people so brace yourselves. Liz goat oot-talked by one of them. Nae kidding, ah think this wummin must have been captain o the English wummins talking team, honest. Boy, could she f***ing talk. Even the carpet walked oot on us efter a while! So we heard her life’s story, and her 3 husbands, and her next door neighbours, and her dug, and her bag o tatties etc etc etc. So this morning ah’m deef as well as blind. Anyway we oot drunk the lot o them (wimps) and eventually weaved oor merry home home to the digs. Things goat a wee bit confused after that but a vaguely remember watching Rollerball (the auld one with James Caan in it) having a beer or two then heading for bed. Liz goat oan the phone ti hame and god knows what happened because she is still in her kip.

So the rest of the weekend? Well no really sure to be honest but I think we are going a run to Maleny today before our food shopping. Tomorrow? Who knows? On the football front, it’s Hearts v Aberdeen today at Tynecastle with a 3 pm KO. Should be a comfortable win for Hearts but you never know. Might get ma ‘the northern lights of old Aberdeen mean sweet f*** all to me’ (ken what ah mean Brian Duncan?) neighbour in to share the commentary and some beers (goat a case o Peroni in (cannae be too prepared)) but we will see. It’s also Nitten v Blairgowrie at home in the League with a 2 pm KO. This game is in the category of ‘must win’ ah would think. The Roar continue their up and down season at Wellington Phoenix on Sunday 26 October with a 2 pm KO live on Fox Sports. I think a loss puts them bottom and a win could put them fourth. Now that’s what you call a close league! We plan to sit up tonight to watch the Everton v Man U at 9.45 pm (ah think) on Fox Sports, followed by all the other EPL games at midnight. It’s also the start of the rugby league world cup in Australia with the home team the big favourites. Even Scotland’s goat a team in it!? Anyway give us the usual text aboot the Nitten score and we’ll add that to the celebratory drink.

Next week? Nothing much of note ah can think of at the moment but no doubt that will change during the week. So, bye for now.

Philosopher’s corner: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Yours in warmth

Pateho Lounger

Episode 39

Well, how’s it hingin? Sitting out on the pateho aboot 9 am on Saturday 18 October (midnight Friday/Saturday for most of you guys) in ma PJs looking out into my nature reserve view from the back garden. It’s a cracking day, clear blue skies, bright sunshine but a bit fresh with a cool breeze going about. I think it’s only to be 24/26C this weekend so will need to get ma thermals looked oot. Cannae be too careful at ma age, ken what ah mean? What’s the outlook like for you guys (weather or economic wise)? Get yirsel ower here, these guys are having to spend their budget surplus, (aye, that’s right, ah said surplus) which nane of you lot will have heard or seen off before, but still have money in the bank. There is definitely an economic slow down in Oz but absolutely nothing compared to you guys. So with the exchange rate creeping up to £1 = $3 now has never been a better time. Think aboot it! Anyway, meanwhile back at the Ozblog, think today’s offering is back in the routine category so apologies in advance for the thrill seekers.

Back to Saturday 11 October first of all, (and as duly noted last week) we headed for Redcliffe Seafood Festival about mid-day. The weather wis a wee bit iffy (showers but warm) so when we arrived we parked the car but just walked to the park where it was being held. As I thought it was a lot quieter than it would have been if the weather was the usual 28C plus sunny. We went in and there was enough on with the seafood stalls quite busy. We had a wander about with Liz sampling maist seafood that was on offer with me containing masel to a seafood risotto. We stayed for about a couple of hours popping in and out of things before returning home via food shopping at North Lakes. Did the usual read the papers bit before settling down to the Saturday films on TV. I totally forgot that Scotland were playing Norway at home in the World Cup until I got the internet set up and looked at which internationals were on that night. Watched the live written commentary on SKY internet and decided it must be a really pish game because the guy who was daein the typing couldnae even get excited aboot it. As we all know it ended up 0 - 0 (nae goals, nae fitba). Meantime the early KO Nitten Star were giein Musselburgh a real tanking at home in the League. 5 - 0 it ended up. Absolutely raging up that league now. I just had to stay up and phone the club at 4 pm (1 am at Brisbane). Spoke to half the club about the game(s), life and everything before saying my goodbyes. Found this German beer by the way that is a drop of all right and disnae cost the earth so ah wis giein it big licks that night. But eventually gave up about 2 am and went to bed.

On Sunday ah wis up quite early and had a big cooked breakfast outside on the pateho (cure or kill). Felt great though so I then headed for the Sunday paper and read it outside as well. Popping in and out to watch the first test between India and Australia at cricket on the TV. So it was quite a quiet day with an early bed ending. Monday 13 October was my ‘accumulated time’ (flexi) day off. Did some domestics (haircut, dentist, post office) and popped down to the bakers at Dayboro for a snack on their ‘oot the front’ pateho. Again nothing much for the rest of the day apart from internet, TV and mair domestics. So ah wis raring to go wi ma four day working week.

Liz wis oot and aboot last week with her getting quite adventurous on various bus/train combo journeys. She is also visiting here there and everywhere with Tracy and her daughter Ellie (fi Aberdeen). Tracy is looking at buying a hoose at the moment so Liz has tagged along on occasions. Liz is also now well on here way to having bought (and wrapped by the way) all her Xmas presents so expect to see them winging there way soon (nae keeking ‘till Xmas day remember!). I bet half you lot havnae even thought of Xmas yet (and me as well!).

On Wednesday 15 October we headed for the Australia v Qatar World Cup game at Suncorp with a 7.30 pm KO. I decided to drive to Petrie railway station for our free trip to Milton station. This of course meant that I had made the ultimate fitba sacrifice and gone to a game tea-total! Anyway we headed towards the game only to be caught up in an amazing electrical storm, thunder and torrential rain. The gizmo people on the train were tracking the storm on their mobile phones and updating everyone on the latest with the game. At one point it was anywhere between being delayed an hour and cancelled. When we eventually reached the stadium (with the water running oot ma erse) we found that it was delayed half an hour and the pitch was being sponged dry. The game duly started at 8 pm with Australia having quite a strong team out (Schwarzer, Cahill, Emerton etc) and set about the job professionally taking total control from the start. They scored twice in the first 15 minutes and were in easy street after that. The game then weaved its merry way to the end with the Aussies adding two more in the second half for a comfortable 4 - 0 win. That leaves them in pole position with two games played, six points and six games more to go. Remember the top two qualify for South Africa in 2010. Games left are Japan (home & away), Bahrain (home & away), Uzbekistan (home) and Qatar (away). The next two games are away to Bahrain and Japan and I reckon if they come out of that with 4 points they are already home and dry.

On Friday 17 October we were back at Suncorp for the Queensland Roar v Adelaide Utd game with a 7.30 pm KO. If you remember we were taking our Aberdeen supporting neighbour (we’ve awe goat oor cross tae bear) to the game. He actually was sent home from his work unwell so Liz made the journey to Brisbane on her own leaving Keith to tag along later if he goat better. We met at Central station aboot 4 pm and went to the busy Grand Central hotel for a small refreshment (as one does of course). I left work early because we are currently moving from the 24 th floor to the 19 th floor while floor 24 gets refurbished. So nae phones after 12 noon and nae computer after 3 pm. We then headed for the LA Hotel in Caxton Street (behind Suncorp stadium) for a bite to eat and a few more beers before heading to the stadium aboot 6.45 pm. On our way we got a call from Keith who was at the other end of the ground so we duly met up with him inside the stadium. Got the beers in and sat down for the game. Well what can ah say, improved performance, same result! Game was not too bad really but both goalkeepers would have been as weel sitting up beside me for all they had to f***ing do! This big Brazilian (think he only slept wi a f***ing Brazilian by the way) they’ve goat up front widnae look dangerous wi a f***ing axe in his hand! Ah explained this to some folk behind me at half time before heading for the beers. There must’ve been something loast in the translation because when ah goat back ti ma seat they had this look o fear in their eyes! They somehow thought ah wis away for an axe!?! Anyway Charlie is struggling as well wi a hernia problem and as ah’ve hinted in ended up a 1 - 0 defeat with Adelaide sneaking one with 15 minutes to go. The crowd was just over 11,000 and at this rate it will just be me and Liz in a couple of months time! Ho, hum. Keith enjoyed it anyway and was impressed wi the council stadium (no explaining that again). We weaved our merry way home by train/car (Keith driving) had one or two in the hoose and crashed out. Liz went the extra mile so no sure when she went ti bed.

So back to today. No really sure but we are toying with catching up with some people (the Grahams of Petrie and the Thomsons of Alexandra Hills) but no real plans made mainly because they dinae ken aboot it yet! So we will see. Of course the Star continue their League campaign with a journey to Perth for a game against Kinnoul with a 2.30 pm KO. Will be a tough one but confident we are on the up so will pull through. Last year it wiz a 5 - 5 thriller if ah remember rightly. Boys in the pub wir buying us drink because they thought we wir St Johnstone supporters on oor way ti the game! Gie me a text BM because ah hope to be up watching the English Premier League game(s) on FOXTEL. On Sunday 19 October of course is the first big game of the season with the Scumbo's away to the mighty Hibernian Football Club (Edinburgh's finest) and a 2 pm KO (live on Setanta). Will miss being there but sure we will do the business.

In case you are wondering aboot my dislocated family, Leigh is still living away up in the wilds of the Borders bringing up young Mason and looking after Dale and Nikki has moved through ti stay wi ma mum at Livingston. Still looking for a job but there are a lot more through there and plans to move back over here in January 2009. Plenty room for her so nae problem there. Ah huv been asked to give oot ma phone number again, so in case yi get too pished one night and decide ti phone me here it is: 0061 7 3142 0497. That is the actual number so dinnae get too complicated and try ti work oot which numbers ti add/subtract etc, just press awe they numbers and yi are through ti us (from the UK).

Next week is quite quiet with our lot at work holding a workshop to explain to the rest of Main Roads what we do, so that should be interesting (meaning the attendees feedback). Tuesday 21 October is a momentous occasion with the arrival of our 3 seater settee from A Mart (yahoo!). So if anyone is wanting ti buy a couple of orange boxes jist gie me a shout, I’m yir man! Well, needing a slice o toast efter awe that so au revoir.

Philosopher’s Corner: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Yours in disappointment

Roary Pissedoff

Episode 38

Noticed a bit of a bollocks with my time last week but we are now 10 hours in front of you guys (Queensland dinae believe in daylight saving hours) so hopefully I will get it right this week. And talking aboot getting things wrong, dinae talk ti me aboot phones! So anyway I am sitting out in the pateho just after 8 am on Saturday 11 October (10 pm Friday night for most of you guys). It’s quite cloudy by the way and cool so hopefully things can only get better. Goat ma PJs oan, just had an Alka Seltzer Xcess (brought a few boxes back with me) and sitting with a coffee at the moment. Well a thought a wisnae going to have too much for you this week but circumstances have contrived to sort that one oot! So must press on.

So, as I hinted last week, Saturday 4 October was a lazy day. We headed for North Lakes shopping complex and did our food shopping before heading back to the hoose. The rest of the day was relaxed with me spending time between reading the papers in the sunshine and watching fitba on the TV. I watched the Roar at 7 pm against Sydney and they played no too bad taking the lead mid-way through the second half with a well taken Charlie Miller goal (didnae dae much mair though!). However the time added on proved a nightmare. They played an extra 3 minutes and first of all CM missed a complete sitter with only the keeper to beat (tried ti burst the baw and hit row Z) closely followed by a Sydney equaliser with 20 seconds left ti play. Absolutely gutted. Goat mair Stella in to celebrate as well! However if ah wis being honest a draw was a reasonable result but it always feels like a loss when that kind of thing happens. Ah wis having problems with ma internet connection so thought ah wis going to struggle to keep up to date with scores as ah watched the Birmingham v QPR game. However ma early rise caught up wi me at the end of that game so ah gave up and hit the sack.

So Sunday 5 October we were up early again, organised and decided to head for Bribie Island wi a picnic. Turned out a good shout because when we got there in the early afternoon it was sunny and about 30C. Headed for the beach and had a nice stroll up the surf taking in the rays. When we got back we got the Eski oot and unpacked the picnic. However we managed ti get picnic tables that were at the end of a wind tunnel. Ah widnae say it wis windy but ah hud ti nail ma paper doon to read it and when a wanted a piece ah hud ti go ti the far end of the table, Liz then put the sandwich down on the table and it shot straight into ma gub! Wisnae really too much of a problem once yi got the wind strength and direction OK. So headed back after our adventure and settled doon to mair paper reading outside and mair sport on the TV. The NRL Grand Final between Manly (Sydney) and Melbourne turned up a real surprise with it ending up being a whitewash with Manly winning (an unbelievable) 40 - 0! Wisnae in the script, trust me. So it was an early night and ready for a new week at work.

I completed my stint as Director on Tuesday 7 October plus attended a 1.5 days seminar run by another Main Roads section at the beginning of the week. We were also due to have our much delayed phone connected on Tuesday as well. But naebody turned up. Liz stayed in all day for nothing. So I rang up Direct Connect who we went through to get our services connected. I then spent the next half hour being passed between various sections of DC and Optus plus the obligatory pressing of buttons and answering a stupid f***ing voice recognition system. I will tell you this boy (as Rab C would have said) if I could have got one of the b***ards by the throat I would strangled them to f***ing death. Anyway it transpires that they did not have enough operatives available on that day. When I asked they said they had phoned Liz’s mobile to tell us. When I asked them to repeat the number it was nowhere near Liz’s f***ing number (useless c***s). So it was eventually connected on Friday 10 October in the morning. Took all off 2.75 seconds so it did!?! B***ard punched in 3 or 4 numbers and f***ed off. Ho hum, all’s well that ends well.

However Friday was a bit of an adventure all round. Had ma first ‘don’t talk to me aboot public transport’ day which ah suppose isnae too bad in 10 months. Got to Petrie Station just before 6.30 am and stood with the troops waiting on the train. The ‘stops at all stations’ train got announced as arriving 8 minutes late (but got later and later). The express swapped to platform 1 (we were all on 2/3) but ah just stood and thought ‘f*** it, ah’ll just wait here for whatever comes’. Listening to Nickelback on the iPod does help these decisions of course! Meanwhile another train tucked itself into platform 3 which is the ‘starts at Petrie’ platform. Anyway got on the late platform 2 train which was the first one to leave and headed off toward Brisbane (pishing of rain by now which of course, as everyone knows, is a necessary ingredient of a ‘don’t talk to me aboot public transport day’). Anyway the train doddles doon the road slowing doon mair as normal (in other words must have been delays etc all over the place) and eventually came to a prolonged wait at Virginia (so yesterday it wisnae really Virgin for short!). The tanoy man eventually telt us that the train wis f***ed (technical term) and wis gawn naewhere. So we all got off in the pissing rain and waited for the next train which wis foo ti the gunnels (another technical term). Eventually got on a train that wisnae foo ti the gunnels and arrived in Central Station a wee bit later than normal. Have to say that my Aussie brethren took it mostly in good spirit.

Meanwhile back home in the land of connected phones Liz wis daein her tidying and cleaning routine and decided to air the upstairs bathroom (which we dinae really use because of the ensuite) only to find that a wasp had started oan a nest on the corner of the window. Liz describes the wasp as 3 feet long with horns and big sherp teeth but ah’ve told her ti stop drinking in the hoose. Anyway she had a wrestle wi this monster (ran a f***ing mile actually) before eventually spraying the whole thing and scrapping (cutting with a power saw actually) the thing off the windaesill. Ah suppose it’s another fall out of the sub prime mortgage nightmare that haunts most of us (or maybe she just goat rid of a wasps nest!?).

So Friday night came and Liz and I decided to pay a visit to the North Leagues club about 15 minutes walk away. I have mentioned this place before and its probably their equivalent of Nitten Legion. We took out a membership (about £2 each) and the meals and drink are really cheap (Stars club prices for drink and about £7 for a meal). For those who have forgot my description it has an entrance which is a cross between a 4* hotel and a cinema, conference facilities, over 200 bandits (puggies), a big bookies (TAB), good meals, families allowed in to about 10 pm, good selection of wine/beers/spirits, raffles, live band (it wis the Fourskin Five last night) and a cross section of the human race as customers. It was a reasonable night and definitely a worthwhile visit for any folk that come to us to stay. Plenty to do (eat, drink, gamble, watch the TV, dance, throw up etc) and all this in a relatively calm surroundings (nane of the phonetic Legion stuff here!). So we sat until late evening and weaved oor merry way home (as one does). Got hame and fell oot wi ma laptop (Liz tells me ah wis punching f*** oot it at one stage) but it’s still here in one piece (thank god). I am sure Liz phoned some family bit ah wiz too busy wrestling wi the laptop to concern masel aboot any o that kinda stuff. Anyway she passes on her thanks to everyone that took the time to listen to her.

So back to today. Well once we get sorted oot, we are heading for Redcliffe Seafood Festival. It’s on today and tomorrow and is only $5 entry. We have already bought oor tickets on the internet. It’s up at Scarborough at the park opposite Morgan’s seafood place. As you can imagine Liz is looking forward to it famously. It starts at 10 am and goes on until about 7 pm today with fireworks etc to finish off. Won’t be there to that time. They have arranged big car parks either end of the site with courtesy buses ferrying people back on forward. Ah wis going to say the buses were free but yi cannae get a courtesy bus that you pay for, can yi? Maybes aye, maybes naw. We will arrive home probably via food shopping at North Lakes late afternoon.

So back to the rest of the games last Saturday. They were a mixed bag with Hearts biting the dust 2 - 1 at home to Kilmarnock but the Star had a good first league win 3 - 1 against Oakley Utd at home. Hearts and the Roar are off this week due to the World Cup so they can re-group and come out fighting next week. So the only game this week is between Nitten and Musselburgh at home in the league today with a 1.45 pm KO (the nights are fair drawing in). They of course bit the dust in the 1st round of the Scottish last week so hopefully are suitable downhearted. Another 3 points is a must for the Star. Text the good news BM (thank you) but if we stay up (and flushed with the success of the new phone) we plan to ring the club after the game (about 4 pm your time) to have a chat with whoever.

The rest of the weekend will be quiet but I am toying with the idea of going to watch Queensland Bulls playing Tasmania Tigers at the Gabba at some stage (if the weather holds up). Their season has kicked off with a home Ford Ranger league game over 4 days from Friday 10 to Monday 14. Being a season ticket holder (actually 2 season tickets) ah thought ah might take advantage of them. I am off on Monday (build up of surplus time) and also plan a haircut at some stage.

Next week looks to be quiet at work but we have the Australia v Qatar World Cup game on Wednesday 15 October at Suncorp with a 8 pm KO and the Roar v Adelaide Utd on Friday 17 October with a 7.30 pm KO. We will be leading our Aberdeen supporting neighbour (Keith) astray on Friday because I have got him a ticket (disnae ken what he’s let himself in for!). Adelaide are a big deal at the moment because they are in the semis of the Asian Champions league having won 3 - 0 last Wednesday in the first leg at home against an Uzbeky team (Rivaldo playing, Zico manager). However they are no daein si well in the league. They will probably be suitably distracted by this big cup game, so it will be up to the Roar to get stuck right intae them (as yi dae of course). Well cannae be ersed writing any mair so ah’m off apart from pointing out that I am sharing a recent grandson photo with this Ozblog.

Philosophers Corner: If Jimmy cracks corn and naebody cared then why did some silly b***ard write a song aboot it?

Yours in calmness

Laptop Wrestler

Episode 37

What a life. Sitting on the pateho at just before 8 am on Saturday 4 October (11 am Friday 3 October for most of you guys) in my PJs and it’s already warm and sunny with clear blue skies. It’s to be 28C today and 30C+ the next two days. Can hardly wait for the summer to come. So what you lot been up to this week? No much? Well gie yirsel a gid shake. Although I have to confess it’s been a quiet week for us as well. With that in mind it’s more a ‘keeping folk in touch’ Ozblog as opposed to some of the more hard hitting, daft stuff that has been reported on recently. Anyway off we go.

Well last Saturday 27 September went better than planned. We drove up to the Sunshine Coast stopping off a couple of times as we visited Caloundra, Mooloolaba (the new Noosa) and Maroochydore. Have to say it looks really nice and we will definitely visit again. The places to visit range from public parks with free BBQs to modestly busy beaches as well as endless places to eat and drink. However we only really visited a few places and not even the (old) main Sunshine Coast destination of Noosa so lots of gaps still to fill in. We headed home mid-afternoon and had plenty of time to drop into the North Lakes shopping centre to do our food shopping. We then headed back to the digs to read the papers whilst sitting in the early evening sun. The rest of the night was even quieter with me heading for bed early rather than having a few beers and watching/listening to assorted sport. See, told you I was a new man!

So Sunday it was up at 7.30 am (yep, honest, Kenny Russell up at 7.30 am on a Sunday fresh as a daisy) for my toilet routine followed by a walk for the papers and a cooked breakfast. We decided to visit Dayboro which is only 20 minutes north west of Petrie/Kallangur for a walk in the mid-day heat (about 30C) then a trip to the local bakers for a coffee and cake. We returned again about mid-day and finished the day in the pateho savouring the warmth, reading the papers and drifting towards the end of the weekend. So all-in-all really quite a quiet and relaxing weekend compared to our Nitten blaw-oots. Ho, hum.

Week started slowly with my new work routine settling in well (by the way it was 35C on Monday 29 September). Continuing as Director for the moment and to be quite honest I could get used to it! On Friday 3 October we got Foxtel installed (their equivalent of SKY) and got a reasonable deal. Free installation and only a 12 month contract. Plus we have got every channel free for the first month and two free Box Office films. After that you just phone up and change your channels to what packages you want as long as you take the basic which costs about £18 a month. No bad really because you can also change your mind every month. Our preferred package (with sports of course) will cost about £38. After the installation Liz got herself ready and headed for the train to meet me in Brisbane CBD after work. I also left the car at home because I was having a refreshment and therefore no driving so I headed for the bus at about 6.30 am. The bus/train is brilliant because the train Disnae go until the bus arrives at Petrie station (mind tell the people who need to know all you Transport Scotland types) and vice versa. In other words the bus Disnae return until the train arrives. Anyway I met up with Liz after work about 5 pm and we headed for the Pig & Whistle at Eagle Street Pier (no the one at Inderpilly). To let you know, on Fridays every pub in Brisbane CBD is choca bloc until about 8 pm with all the offices etc piling out from work into the nearest watering hole for a bite to eat and a beer. The P&W was therefore very busy but we managed to get a meal and a modest refreshment. We than headed for Gilhooleys pub in Albert Street for a few more then up to the hotel (forget its name) in Ann Street next to Central station. The last train with connecting bus left Central at 9.07 pm so we jumped on that and were in the hoose at the back off 10 pm. Liz headed for bed and I stayed up for a couple of Stellas before joining her.

So sport stuff now. Bad last Saturday for Hearts with a 3 - 0 away defeat at the hands of Dundee Utd but still remarkably stay 3rd in the league. The Star had a comfortable 3 - 0 win against Crossgates Primrose in the 1st round of the East of Scotland Cup. So hopefully things will start to pick up. Or are we just going to be a cup team this year? The Roar had an unbelievable 2 - 0 win at the league leaders Melbourne Victory to go within 3 points of the top of the league. Cannae be the same team ah seen the week before!

A quick update on Aussie sport in case you are feeling left out. It’s Grand Finals time for the Aussie Rules and NRL (rugby league) guys. The Aussie Rules final was last weekend between Geelong and Hawthorn at the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground). Both teams are from the Melbourne area so there were over 100,000 at the game! Geelong were run away favourites so of course they got beat. This weekend is the NRL’s turn with Melbourne Storm playing Manly Sea Eagles in Sydney. It’s the same final as last year when Melbourne won. It should be close but I think Melbourne are still too good for them.

So back home? It’s Hearts v Kilmarnock at home today with a 3 pm KO. Will probably listen to this game on the internet but with Foxtel installed we get the early game at 9.30 pm which is Birmingham v QPR. Then off course when your 3 pm KOs come on we get them all live a midnight. Sunderland v Arsenal looks tasty. The first round of the Scottish Junior Cup today but with Nitten getting a bye they have a chance to get their league campaign on the rails with Oakley Utd at home and a 2.30 pm KO. Text me the gid news. The Roar away to Sydney FC today with a 7 pm KO. After last week who knows but Sydney are difficult to beat at home. Of course this game is also live on Foxtel. Will I survive the fitba overload? Might need ti get mair Stellas in!

Well once we get sorted this morning it’s food shopping and one or two other wee things to do but no real plans for the rest of the weekend so it will be a surprise for you next week (and for us this week!).

Next week I complete my Director’s stint on Tuesday plus have a two day seminar to attend in Queen Street mall so no far to go. But again nothing much exciting beyond that stuff. So will catch you later.

Philosophers Corner: If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Yours in pateho

The Kallangur Two

Episode 36

How’s it hingin? Well I am sitting out on the new pateho at about 9 am Saturday 27 September. It’s a beautiful clear morning with the sun shining and birds chirping. Probably about 15C and I think it’s to be 26/28C today (30C tomorrow). Ah, this is the life. Sitting in my PJs with cup of green tea and water at the ready. Went out for a few locally last night but more of that later. End of the first week up at Kallangur and pretty much settled in (but still nae settee or phone yet (but more of that later)). Anyway let’s get the show on the road.

Last weekend’s weather was brilliant (during the day anyway) with temperatures up at 28/29C, sunny with blue skies. We were at the end of some electric thunderstorms at night but the 1 inch diameter hailstones were reserved for the south side of Brisbane. After I transmitted the weekly Ozblog on Saturday 20 September we settled down to a quiet evening in and a modest refreshment. Managed to set up my wireless internet indoors (in other words I got a reception) so I was able to sit watching the football scores on SKY TV’s internet site, listening to the Heart’s game commentary live on Hearts TV as well as watching a good film on the real TV. Gid or what? Good result for Hearts beating Inverness CT 1 - 0 but not so good for the Star. Beaten 2 - 1 by Penicuik away from home in the League leaves them 11 points behind them early on in the season. Can’t help thinking that we’ve started again like last year and despite picking up later on we know what happened. The same again this year? I hope not. The Broncos also bit the dust at Suncorp against Melbourne Storm. It was a bone crunching game with the Broncos leading for the whole game until the last seconds when a try by the Storm gave them a 16 - 14 win. The Broncos players had put in so much effort they literally dropped to the ground in shock. Ah well, there’s always next season.

So we were up reasonably early on Sunday, did what we had to do and headed for Redcliffe as planned. When we got their we found out it was their September Festival (schools are currently on 2 weeks holidays) and half the main street was closed for stalls, food, bands etc. It was a cracking day so there was a big crowd. We joined in and had a good wonder around taking in the sights, sounds and smells. Came across this women wi a frying pan that could fry a breakfast for the whole of the Russell’s clan. Yep, nae kiddin, this pan wis aboot 4 feet diameter! She was cooking up this meat paella which smelt really braw so ah jist had to have a bowl fi. And it tasted good as well. After a bit we headed to Morgans’s fresh seafood place at Scarborough (north end of Redcliffe) and got a kilo of fresh mussels and headed for the hills. Scoffed the lot later on before an early bed for the new journey to work.

You will know I am a man who likes to be prepared so I had already been down to the railway station at Petrie during the weekend to find out when the car park fills up (about 7 am) and buy my weekly ticket (in case of queues on Monday morning). So I was up slightly earlier than normal on Monday morning (just before 6 am) got myself ready and arrived at the station just before 6.30 am. Car park was less than half full (time of arrival plus school holidays) so I got parked easily enough and got on a train not long thereafter. Train stopped at every stop (about 10?) and took 45 minutes so I was at work just after 7.30 am. Not too bad really. Return journey was even better. Left work just before 4.30 pm (having worked more than an hour over and above the call of duty (and without recompense (because it is expected of Directors)). Got on a train just before 4.45 pm which was an express and took just over 30 minutes to get to Petrie. Jumped in the car and was home well before 5.30 pm. I suspect that I will have days that don’t go as well as this one (for a number of reasons) but I was quite pleased how it did go. The journey distance on the train is about 25 km and costs just about £17 for an unlimited journey 7 day ticket. Good value or what? I thought I would share my first day journeying from north of Brisbane mainly to piss the Transport Scotland people off. Oh, and by the way, it was 27C and sunny on Monday!

The rest of the week was spent getting into a new working routine and having a scout around the area. As I hinted most of our stuff arrived last weekend except the 3 seater settee which is arriving mid-October so we are improvising using the garden chairs but nae worries there. However we are still waiting for the phone to be connected. It now won’t happen until the second week in October so hang on with all the hundreds of phone calls we get every week (OK the one we get every fortnight) for a wee bit longer. Leigh’s just gonnae have to contain herself. So why so f***ing long to connect the phone up because the line was put in with the house, we have a phone and there is a dialling tone? Why indeed. Well our provider of choice is the same as the wireless internet; namely Optus. They hae this stupid f***ing voice recognition system ‘for security purpose’. So when you phone up and go through the pressing of millions of buttons (we’ve awe been there, eh?) you eventually get a computer generated wumin’s voice that asks you to listen carefully to the following questions and answer as clearly as possible. Fair enough I thought and away we went. I’ll do the abbreviated version because were going oot in 4 hours! Anyway follow this by taking the first voice you read to be the computer followed by me, then the computer etc etc.

Your name is Kenneth Russell. Is that right?

Right.

Sorry I did not hear that?

I said right.

Sorry I did not hear that?

YES.

Thank you.

You have asked to be put on price plan XV345F. Is that correct?

Yip.

Sorry I did not hear that?

For f***ks sake I said YES.

Thank you.

Your address is (says address). Is that right?

Yes.

Sorry I did not hear that?

I said f***ing yes are you f***ing stupid or something.

Sorry I did not hear that?

Awe away and take a f*** at yourself!

Sorry I did not hear that? I will need to put you over to one of our experienced operators.

[Phone gets slammed doon].

Suffice to say I got a letter when I arrived last week to say the phone questions had not gone well and asking me to fill in a form before they could connect the phone. Modern technology, what wid we dae without it? Where the f*** di ah start the list?!?

Anyway we had a scout around during the week and had a check on some of the locally watering holes with a view to having a local bevy evening in the new area. Meanwhile Liz has struck up a friendship with a wumin ower the road who is from Aberdeen. Her young lassie is away at relations so she and her partner (Tracy and Keith) decide to tag along. Fair enough. We started at the Kallangur Tavern with a bite to eat and a few beers before heading to the local Irish pub called Finnegan’s Chin. It was no too bad but some of the locals were a bit OTT (so just like a normal night out in Nitten!). They had a guitar guy on as the turn (didnae catch his name, sorry. Wisnae Salmon though.). He was actually quite good so we had a few more and stayed to about midnight before heading for the hills. Tracy lasted well (Jack Daniels and diet coke) but Keith (pints o Tuheys New) was a wee bit giddy! Anyway we weaved our merry way home and said our goodbyes. Put on the iPod/laptop combo and listened to some tunes before I headed for bed leaving Liz on a mission. No sure when she got to bed but she’s still there.

So today we are off to the Sunshine Coast to have a look see. Been told it’s really nice and quieter than the Gold Coast so we are looking forward to it. Food shopping might be tomorrow depending on circumstances. Tonight is a night in with the same stuff as last week (see above). Hearts way to Dundee Uted with a 3 pm KO. Tough one but I think they will do it. The Star have a league day off with Crossgates Primrose at home in the 1st round of the East of Scotland cup with a 2.30 pm KO. I’m predicting a 6+ goals job today. The Roar are off to Melbourne to play the Victory on Sunday 28 September with a 5 pm KO. If I was a betting man that would be a home win but we live in hope! Will check on Nitten’s score at some point of the evening. Tomorrow will be quiet, just chilling out and sitting outside in the warmth reading the papers. Ah, what a life.

I continue as Director for at least another week because the Director has just had a new grandson so he is taking time off. His name is Ray Cameron and his grandson is Finlay Angus Cameron! F***s sake. I pointed oot that even us Scottish people dinae caw wir bairns than kinda name any more. Anyway next week looks quiet with more settling in and no doubt Liz spreading her neighbourly friendship oot slowly but surely. So as they say in Russia; Moscow.

Philosopher’s Corner: What disease did cured ham actually have?

Yours in sunshine

Warm Feelins

Episode 35

Well, this is the first full instalment from the new hoose (last week was just incidental). We have now moved permanently to our temporary (rented) accommodation at Kallangur 25 km north of Brisbane CBD. So I am sitting here on Saturday 20 September at 5 pm (8 am your time) out in my new pateho at my new garden table and chairs. Looking out into the woods with much chirping of birds. It’s currently sunny and about 29C. The temperature this week has been 23/27C during the day and about 15/18C at night. Some cloud though and the odd spot of rain at night. Tomorrow it’s to be 28/29C again; not bad for the start of spring! I would ask what it is like where you are but I already know the answer. So let’s get started.

Don’t talk to me aboot garage sales! We got up early as planned on Saturday 13 September and headed for the three nearest sales to Kallangur. But all that was on sale was a load of junk. Really more like a house jumble sale. So we gave up mid-morning and headed for the nearest Super A Mart who sell cheap but decent furniture. We ended up buying a garden table and 6 chairs, 3 seater settee, bed plus mattress, coffee table, TV unit and small dining table and 4 chairs for about $1,200 (£600). No bad really. We headed back to the Kallangur hoose to pick up some stuff then went back to Taringa. We bought a few other white goods during the weekend to complete our ‘basic’ shopping needs but I won’t trouble you with the details.

At night we got ourselves ready and headed to the Royal Exchange in Toowong at about 7 pm. It wasn’t too busy to start with but filled up later on. We got the beers in and settled down to watch Australia v New Zealand in the Bledsoe Cup decider (Tri-nations trophy). It was a cracker of a game with the All Blacks running out 28 - 24 winners. Have to say that they deserved to win but they are a shower of cheating b***ards! As you know I’m a fitba man but do take an interest in other sports and in particular the rules and tactics of other games. The All Blacks repeatedly encroached at the line outs, collapsed scrums, handled in the ruck and were permanently offside. It was unbelievable that the referee (from South Africa) didn’t at least sin bin a New Zealand player. Anyway we stayed and listened to the live band before heading to the Pig & Whistle in Indooroopilly. Nae band but a big crowd in to watch the Liverpool v Man U game. Of course the Pool ended up 2 - 1 winners which lead to some wild celebrations from their supporters in the pub. One guy leapt off his chair screaming and did a lap of the pub doing an impersonation of a threshing machine (silly b***ard!). Me and Liz stayed on and had a few more (dedicated we are) before weaving our merry way back to the digs. I was intent on listening to the Hearts game on the internet but after setting it up collapsed in a heap on my bed. Just as well because they lost 2 - 1 away to Falkirk. Also got the bad news that the Star game was abandoned because of a bad leg break to one of Dundee North End’s players and probably an ambulance that took ages to turn up.

So, Sunday 14 September started late (for us anyway). We completed our new hoose purchases and did some modest food shopping before returning home to read the papers and watch the sport on the TV. The Roar had a good win 3 - 0 away to Perth Glory to hopefully kick start their season (Charlie Miller has now scored in all four games this season). And to complete last week’s results the Broncos beat the Roosters 24 - 16 to take a home berth in the preliminary semi-finals against Melbourne Storm tonight with a 7.45 pm KO. I would like to explain how these play-offs work but I haven’t a f***ing clue! You see Melbourne got beat in their first play-off game. And just to complete the mystery the Roosters are also in the semis?!? I’m sure somebody knows what’s going on (I hope so anyway).

A reasonably quiet week at work with me stepping up as acting Director again on Thursday 18 September for a week or two. On Tuesday 16 September we went to the local cinema in Indooroopilly to watch the Mummy III. Good action stuff and special effects so if you are a Mummy fan this one’s for you. On Wednesday 17 September the removal man arrived to move our stuff to Brisbane from Lady Road Place. So that’s the deed done; the point of no return has been reached. The stuff can take up to 3 months to get here hence the purchase of some essential household furniture etc until then for the new digs. On Wednesday we took a load of stuff up to the new digs to leave the remainder as a manageable size. We drove up at the end of the peak travel period out of Brisbane and it took about an hour but coming back when it was quieter it only took about half an hour. So that’s not too bad really.

Last night (Friday 19 September) we went to the Roar v Newcastle Jets game with a 8 pm KO. F***s sake! It had to be the worse game of fitba I’ve ever seen in my puff (and I’m a Jambo!). Anyway the evening started OK because we headed to Caxton Street behind Suncorp stadium about 6 pm. We had a really good bar supper and a few beers at the LA hotel. We then headed to the game about 7.30 pm. I really don’t want to say too much about the game because I am still trying to get over it. Suffice to say the Roar lost 1 - 0 to a pish 83rd minute goal. Even the referee was total pish! After the game we jumped on the train and headed for the P&W at Inderpilly for (what will probably be) a last drink there. The band were OK and were called Salmon. Yeh, I’m thinking the same, how many f***ing bands are called Salmon in Brisbane. So we had a modest amount of drink and headed home sharp because we were up early this morning. Got up at about 7 am and completed our packing before driving off from our wee apartment we have stayed in since we moved here last December. Ho hum, life moves on. Spent most of today taking delivery of furniture and white goods. House in now starting to look like a home already. In fact I’m just wondering where I am going to put all our furniture when it arrives.

Today we have the Star hoping to get their first league win of the season away to Penicuik with a 2.30 pm KO. Hearts v Inverness Coloured Textiles at home with a 3 pm KO today. Anybodies guess what will happen there. Anyway we plan to stay up to listen to the Hearts commentary on the internet so text us the Star score. Tonight we are just sitting in having a small refreshment and watching the Broncos on oor new TV (nae TV licence to pay for here by the way). I think our phone is being connected on Monday 22 September. So for those who need to know the new address and phone number is: Unit 2, 71 - 77 Goodfellows Road, Kallangur, BRISBANE, QLD 4503; phone no: 0061 (0)7 3142 0497.

Tomorrow we are heading to Redcliffe (now only 10 to 15 minutes away) to soak up the sun and probably end up with some fresh seafood as well no doubt. Monday 22 September is the start of my new journey to work from Petrie to Central station by train. I think it takes about 50 minutes. I have to drive there first (about 2 minutes) but need to get there before 7 am because the car park is full by then. So I will let you know how it goes next week. First full week as stand-in Director as well. Not much planned for next week or weekend at this stage so watch this space.

Philosopher’s corner: The most difficult part of doing something is thinking about it.

Yours in new pateho

The Kallangur Two (but will be three again before long!)

Episode 34

Well, home again. Can’t begin to tell you how good it is to get back into the sunshine and warmth. It’s been clear blue skies this week with the temperature 23/26C during the day and 14/17C at night. How’s it been with you? F*** off I hear you say, well fair enough. This is actually a first for me tonight because I am sitting out on the upstairs balcony of our new abode typing away about 8 pm (11 am your time) on Friday 12 September evening. We decided to slum it tonight and sleep in the almost empty new hoose because we are going to some local garage sales early tomorrow morning. Garage sales I hear you say, what the f***s that all aboot? Well they’re slightly different over here because each weekend in Brisbane there are about 50 to 100 garage sales. What happens is that people stay here in rented houses and buy all their furniture only to sell the lot when they move because it’s cheaper to buy a new lot rather than move the stuff (ken how far it is from Brisbane to Perth?). So you get some really new stuff for next to nothing. The reason we are doing this is because our stuff is being moved oot o Nitten next week but could take up to 3 months to get here. So we are getting the bare essentials in at the moment, i.e. bed, settee, alcohol etc. Liz and I are actually having a small refreshment but not too much because we are up early (they typically start at 6 or 7 am!). I am sending this tonight because we have busy weekend ahead. The main components of this week’s Ozblog are going to be the return home, the move to Kallangur and a big sporting update.

So, anyway, we duly got up on Saturday 6 September at about 5 am after a dodgy sleep. Now I don’t know how well you know Liz but she is not a morning person. So chuck in a lack of sleep and I’ll leave you to work out yourself what she was like! We got to Heathrow airport about 6.15 am and got booked in relatively easily so headed for fag time for Liz before the big ‘no smoke’. Got outside terminal 3 and I sat down to sort out passports, boarding passes etc and realised she had not started smoking yet. She was raking about in her bag and I was hit with the inevitable “have yi seen ma cigarette lighter?”! Now ah dinae even smoke but I have been known ti burst oot in flames every now and again (ken what ah mean). So she wis getting mair agitated and decided ti ask the nearest fag person for a light. Sat doon ti her first satisfying draw and promptly found her lighter in her pocket. What is it wi f***ing women and there uncanny ability ti misplace their cigarette lighters. Even if they had a handbag foo o them I’m sure they would still be searching around for a light.

Anyway we headed off on time for our marathon return journey with Royal Brunei airways. Basically 8 hours to Dubai for a refuel (quick fag or two for Liz), another 8 hours to Brunei before a 3 hour break then another 6 hours to Brisbane. Have to say when ah got to Brunei my arse was so numb that ah thought that DVT had set in! Caught up with some internet stuff though during the 3 hours plus planned the week ahead and the move to the new abode in Kallangur. At that stage though, ah was quite tired and wondered if ah would make ma work on Tuesday never mind Kallangur on Monday! Have to repeat to prospective visitors that you do not enter into this journey lightly but just think of what is at the other end, i.e. brilliant weather and the Russells. So we eventually arrived in Brisbane and successfully negotiated with their SS customs people (if you do come over for a visit don’t f*** with them, thrust me). Liz had a fag before we jumped in a taxi and arrived home about 9.30 pm on Sunday 7 September night. Got at the gate of the old apartment in Taringa to find they had not left a key for us. So after some creative negotiating we eventually got in the apartment at 10 pm and collapsed in a heap in our bed.

Had another shite sleep (a mixture of being too tired and jet lag) and got up about 7 am on Monday 8 September. Got our self organised and headed for the new hoose to sort stuff out (photo from bedroom balcony attached). Came home via food replenishment shopping about 3 pm. The shite sleep continued into Tuesday so I was up not long after 5 am to go to work. Got there really early and spent most of the day catching up on e-mails and speaking to people about the visit home. However how good was it to be making my way into Brisbane in the bus with the sun already up in the sky and splitting the trees as we travelled along the river side. By the time I got home I was ready for bed but decided I really must stay up for a bit to have any chance of a full night’s sleep and hopefully a feeling that my body was starting to returning to normal. Have to say that it was Thursday night before I felt back to normal. However work generally was easy going which was probably just as well the way ah was feeling.

So on to sport now. What happened ti the fitba in my absence. Scotland beaten by Macedonia 1 - 0 and the Star beaten by Ballingry 3 - 0! At least Australia beat Holland 2 -1 away from home ti keep our end up. However Scotland redeemed themselves on Wednesday night with a good 2 - 1 away win in Iceland. Also found out that Taringa’s season is over with them ending up safely in the middle of the Premier League table. This weekend we have Queensland Roar hopefully kick-starting their season away to Perth Glory on Sunday 14 September with a 3 pm KO, Hearts are off to Falkirk to hopefully continue their miserable start to the season tomorrow with a 3 pm KO and the Star are at home to Dundee North End also tomorrow to hopefully start picking up some much need league points with a 2.30 pm KO. We will be trying to watch Liverpool v Man Utd somewhere on our journeys tomorrow night. I think that KO is 9.45 pm (12.45 pm your time). We hope to keep tabs on the Hearts score later on that night so feel free to text the Star score.

On a wider Aussie sport update, Australia (fitba) played Uzbekistan in their first game away on Thursday 11 September at 1.30 am in the final qualifying round of the Asian World cup sections and had a good 1 - 0 win, the Brisbane Lions (Aussie nae-rules team) didn’t make the play-offs, the Brisbane Broncos (rugby league) play the Sydney Roosters (the enemy) away tonight (Friday 12 September) at 7.45 pm in their play-off game, the Wallabies (rugby union) play the All Blacks in Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane (can’t get a ticket for love nor money) tomorrow night at 8 pm in the tri-nations cup decider (on the TV before the Liverpool/Man U game) and the rugby league world cup starts soon in Australia with a semi-final and the final being held at Suncorp. And of course there’s just the small matter of the cricket season about to start up.

Bought a couple of tickets for the Roar v Newcastle Jets game at home on Friday 19 September with a 8 pm KO. In case you were wondering the tickets were £16 each (with free public transport thrown in). Also bought two tickets for the Australia v Qatar World cup qualifying league game at Suncorp in mid-October. They were a bit dearer at £38 each. Apart from that there’s not really a lot happening sports wise.

So as I said tomorrow we are off trying to but stuff for the new hoose. We will start with the garage sales but have a fallback position because some shops have some good offers on just now. Whatever happens we will be back at our old apartment planning to have a Saturday night oot to make up for tonight. We plan to have a few refreshments and watch the sport on the TV somewhere. Sunday we may be back up here but we will see how it goes tomorrow morning/afternoon. Next week we will be readying our self for the permanent move up here over the weekend of 20/21 September (after the Roar game on Friday 19 September of course!).

Philosopher’s corner: Is the most persecuted form of the human species white, male, heterosexual and employed?

Yours on balcony

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 33

Well that’s that then. On my way back to Brizzy already. This is just a short Ozblog because I am currently sitting in the Sheraton Hotel at Heathrow at 9 pm on Friday 6 September and have paid for an internet connection so I thought why not just send off the Ozblog because it is unlikely I will get much of a chance to send it until the beginning of next week given that I don’t arrive back in Brizzy until late Sunday 7 September. Its dark outside, pissing of rain and blowing a gale but apart from that it’s quite a nice night. Just been into the centre of London (Liz’s first time) for a quick bite to eat in Piccadilly Circus/Leicester Square.

So first of all I forgot to update on some fitba news last time thinking everyone would be tuned in but apparently that was not the case. So Hearts bit the CIS Insurance Cup dust on penalties to Airdrie (AET) midweek but followed up with a good win at Hamilton Accies 2 - 1 on Saturday 30 August (wedding day). On the same day Nitten Star were held at home in their first Premier League game 1 - 1 by Carnoustie Panmure (recently relegated from the Super League). I heard it could have been worse or better. There, done.

As planned Sunday 31 August was a day of rest followed by some personal business stuff, clothes shopping and tidying up general odds and ends on Monday 1 September. Tuesday we ventured through to Livingston to catch up with my mum and others. At night I popped down to the Star’s club as a last chance to see one or two people. On Wednesday 3 September we had an ‘impromptu’ cheerio night at the Star’s club. A few family and friends turned up and the event run away with me resulting in excessive alcoholic intake (well that’s my excuse anyway). I can tell you I suffered on Thursday before heading to Dale/Leigh’s hoose for a last night with the wee man.

Got up early and headed for Edinburgh airport for a mid morning flight to London. Said our cheerio’s to Dale/Leigh/Mason, Nikki and Linzi before heading off through customs. Tomorrow we continue our journey home early in the morning.

Tomorrow is also Macedonia v Scotland and I have no real feel for how that will go. Australia is also having a weekend off because of internationals but have found out that the Roar’s first three games were two draws and a loss (Mmm). The Star are way in the League to the new boys Ballingry and are hoping to improve on last week’s draw.

When we get home we will spend Monday moving bits and pieces to our new rented home in Kallangur followed by my return to work on Tuesday 9 September.

Finally, we are just sitting pondering the last three weeks, the people we’ve seen/missed, the events we’ve been to/missed and the feeling we’ve had/no had as a result of our return. We will still miss everyone and will continue to miss everyone (especially the wee man) but we still feel we have made the right decision (for better or for worse). So we will see everyone again some time in the future but the invite is still there for planned visits to see us in Oz.

Philosopher’s corner: Anybody seen ma cigarette lighter?

Yours in limbo

Halfway Hoose

Episode 32

How’s it gawn? Have to say that I am really enjoying my short return (but no enough to stay), continuing to meet family and friends and having a crack with everyone. Also need to mention that it was good read about Louise & Roy’s exploits in her recent e-mail; glad to hear that I’m no the only one that’s transported the Nitten stupidity abroad! So I’m writing this on Sunday 31 August in the early afternoon after re-assembling myself due to a hectic last few days. Sitting in the living room watching it piss down through the window. Enough said! Again not sure when this will get sent but I press on regardless.

So back to Saturday 23 August, duly headed off to the Jambo’s game at about 11 am (cannae turn up too early ti these things) because we had to change Nikki’s new away top first of all. Anyway got to the Westfield at just after midday and settled down with Ritchie (the groom to be) and some of his buddies to watch the Aberdeen v Rangers game on Setanta (ended up 1 - 1; Rangers wiz robbed (my arse!)). Then headed for the Hearts v St Mirren game and got in 5 minutes before the kick-off (goat ti maximise the alcohol intake first) to savour the atmosphere. Hearts cruised to a 2 - 1 victory but it really should have been more. So flushed with delight we headed back to the Westfield and were joined by Ian Lamb and John Ramsay for a few post-match refreshments (as one does). Watched the Fulham v Arsenal game on Setanta (1 - 0; up the Ars!) and realised that Ritchie was getting married next Saturday but had never been down the Idaho trail or had a Saturday night at the Legion (the daft club). So we phoned a taxi home and parcelled him off to Nitten! Nae Star’s club open so we ended up at the Dean for a pre-daft club aperitif. Joined by mair folk and had a few before escorting Ritchie down the road via the Idaho trail. He negotiated it well (so nae bruises for the wedding!) before taking the back road to the Legion. Have to say at this point that the daft club was a bit off a blur but was just as I remember it (or is it just as ah dinae remember it?). Ritchie seemed to enjoy himself (I think).

Anyway goat up on Sunday and Ritchie was in one piece. Kindae glad aboot that because I think ma sister (Linda) would have killed me if he wasn’t! Had a ‘missing’ day before starting my life again on Monday 25 August. Monday was quiet before heading to Haddington for the last League Cup section game for the Star. Quite an eventful game with the Star ending up winning 5 - 3. However also found out that Penicuik beat Arniston 3 - 2 to send the Star into the semi-final against Whitburn at home on Wednesday night. A bit of a dilemma because I was due at Livingston for a day or two. Anyway hired a wee car and spent most of Wednesday at Livingston before making my apologies to loads of folk before returning home for the big gemme. Really glad I did because it was a momentous occasion with the Star beating the might of the Super League (yir having a laugh) 4 - 0 (game ended up with 9 players on each side thanks to a cock-end of a referee!). So I believe its Camelon (fi Falkirk) in the final at a date and venue to be decided.

So on Thursday 28 August we were invited to Gordon Bennett’s for a bite to eat with a few friends. An excellent meal and assorted drinks (you can rely on Cathleen for the latter!) plus some music and loads of old (and some new) memories/stories thrown in for luck. Basically a good night was had by one and all. Great fun in the taxi on the way home though. We all piled in (7 of us) and I grabbed a seat with my back to the driver but also grabbed the wrong seat belt (start of the drama). Liz was therefore left with no seat belt but undaunted proceeded to grab the back end of the drivers seat belt nearly pulling his heid off in the process. However I was oblivious to this apart from Barbara Morgan and Nikki screaming with laughter and tears running down their faces. Taxi driver claimed he was OK but ah wisnae si sure! Anyway we eventually got home safely and lived to fight another day

On Friday we had an old Nitten night oot. Stars club to start with watching fitba and listening to music on Kerrang with a few friends before ending the night at the Dean Tavern catching up with more friends over a few alcoholic refreshments.

Saturday 30 August was the big family wedding so no rest for the liver in sight! Started off at Mid Calder Kirk before heading to the Orocco Pier hotel at South Queensferry. Had a few drinks before the meal then headed into the rest of the night with much singing, dancing and merry making being enjoyed by one and all. Another great night out at Ritchie & Karen’s wedding who are two of life’s lovely people. So arrived back home in the early hours of Sunday morning and had a well earned lie in.

Rest of Sunday will be a day of rest followed by a slow start to the week mainly spent tying up loose ends. Due a visit to Livingston for last cheerio to family plus visit to Borders to Leigh & Dale’s humble abode. Also having a low key going away on Wednesday night in the Star’s club with whoever turns up. Friday is of course the start of our return journey with an overnight stay in London before the main leg on Saturday morning. But more of that next time.

Philosopher’s Corner: It’s no the size o the dug in the fight, it’s the size o the fight in the dug that counts.

Yours in Nitten

Merry Maker

Episode 31

Well this is a new one for me. Writing stuff that a few people already know about. However everyone will not have heard about all the events since my arrival back home. Not that they are especially exceptional of course. Anyway a bit strange ti be back, staying in the old hoose, going to old places and meeting family and old friends. Nice, but still looking forward to my return to the new adopted country. Anyway it’s Saturday 23 August about 10 am and I’m sitting in the living room in my PJs looking out to a sunny Nitten. Yep, honest. Had a big day yesterday and probably the same is on the cards today but more of that later. Not sure when I will get this sent off because I am ‘broadbandless’ at the moment.

Before ah forget, goan back ti the Olympics for a wee bit, what aboot that American lassie that won the individual gold medal in gymnastics called Nasty Lookin (spelling might no be right but yi get the point). What on earth wis her mum and dad daein cawing her Nasty with a second name like that? Anyway, turns oot her brother’s caud Ugly so ah suppose that’ll be awe right, naw?

First back to Oz for a bit. On Friday 15 August we duly turned up at the Taringa Rovers v Capalaba over 35’s game and Alan Prentice’s mate Steve Lawson turned up as planned. We stood on the balcony chewing the fat and having a few beers. There were only another 2 folk at the gemme by the way. Capalaba won 2 - 0 and ah suppose given the age of some of the guys the standard wasn’t too bad. We ended up having a few by the way and I took the opportunity to buy a Taringa casual top before setting home for bed. Up early and did what we had to do on Saturday 16 August before heading to Brisbane airport for the grand homecoming. Royal Brunei flight was on time and almost 8 hours later we were in Brunei waiting for the Heathrow flight. Caught up on e-mails and goat Liz 400 fags for £15 (she wid smoke herself to death if she stayed there). The next flight was over 17 hours with a 1 hour stop for fuel in Dubai so if you are coming over dinae dae it if yi cannae switch off for a day! Should mention at this point that Liz had nose, eyes, ears and mouth problems all the way home. She was stuffed wi the cauld, she hardly slept, her ears were killing her every descent in the plane and she couldnae smoke on the plane. Apart from that she was brand new!

We eventually ended up in Edinburgh at 12.30 pm Sunday 17 August. We were met by Leigh, Nikki and Mason so there was much kissing and cuddling going on. However it wasn’t long before I got left with 4 cases and Mason whilst they all disappeared out the terminal for a fag! We then headed for Leigh’s humble abode between Stow and Heriot via Tesco at Eskbank. We spent a day or two there with the odd visit home plus some clothes shopping for Karen & Ritchie’s wedding (plus wee jambo’s strip for Mason of course). On Tuesday 19 August we returned to Lady Road Place and went for one or two refreshments at a very quiet Dean Tavern. Another small aside at this point if I may. Where the f*** is all this rain coming fi? No used ti awe this ‘Blade Runner’ weather any more. Goat webbed feet already! So I will graciously leave it with you lot when I go.

On Wednesday 20 August I had a day off whilst saving myself for the Star v Arniston game at night. Good to meet up with old Star crew again, chewing the cud and having the odd cider or two. Of course nae Russells turned up; see if I care! Game was a bit mixed with Nitten 3 - 0 up at half time and cruising only to draw 3 - 3 with a ‘last kick of the baw’ goal from the Germans. Disappointing in the end and I can’t help thinking that the defence really needs to be tightened up if we want to do anything this season. Lost too many goals so far for me. Thursday was a quiet day for me to recharge the batteries.

On Friday 22 August I headed off to my old work in Glasgow mid-morning. Did a wee presentation about Main Roads, Queensland and handed oot the application forms to bring the troops down under. Then headed for a small refreshment at the pub across the road for a small drink and a blether with some of the old team. Left about 7 pm and headed ti Edinburgh’s Waterloo Hotel to listen to Willie Grant’s laddie’s band. They were no too bad. Then said my goodbyes and headed home to continue my alcoholic intake in the Dean Tavern. Didnae last very long because tiredness and hunger set in so headed home to bed (getting auld yi see).

Today I’m off to Tynecastle to see the Jambos take on the might (or is it shite?) of Paisley. No mucking aboot because going to the Westfield pub early to watch the Aberdeen v Rangers game on Setanta plus the obligatory pre-match refreshments. Meeting up with the groom-to-be Ritchie before the game and some others after the game so it could be early dark! Tomorrow will definitely be a day of rest before heading into my second week back home. Heading for Livingston for a couple of days mid-week before the big family wedding next Saturday 30 August at South Queensferry.

Anyway must dash for a shite, shave and shampoo before heading for the bus into the toon.

Philosopher’s corner: If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it probably is a duck.

Yours at home (wir blue, wir white, wir……)

Jambo Star

Episode 30

Naw, it’s awe right, you’ve no loast a day, ah’m just daein the Ozblog a day early to get it oot the way. So it’s about 9 am Friday 15 August (12 midnight Thursday/Friday at home) and I’m sitting inside with a coffee, watching Fox Sports News and tinkling the laptop. Ah’m off work today for last minute stuff before the big off. It’s nice and sunny outside but still a bit cool. Last week was sunny with the occasional cloud or two and about 20C during the day but down as low as 4C some nights. The forecast for the next week is sunny and 22C but that’ll no matter ti us will it? We’re home ti get webbed feet by all accounts! Up early for our flight tomorrow morning hence the day early. Anyway let’s crack on.

Well we eventually got ourselves organised last Saturday 9 August and headed for the Ekka about midday. They had a dedicated train service to Bowen Hills (where the Ekka is held) so it was easy to get there. The place was absolutely heaving and by the time we left it was close to impossible to move around at certain locations. They had all the stuff you would expect from the description of the place I gave last week but one thing that is worth a mention was that they had this area that sold ‘bags’ from $1 to about $40. As an example I bought a Queensland Bulls bag (cricket team) for $30 which included a real bat and two season tickets which was all worth about $150. So if anybody out there wants to get wasted over 4 days at the Gabba watching cricket I’m yir man. There’ll be plenty to eat and drink because you’ll be lucky if they get a couple of hundred folk at some games.

We came home late afternoon (by the way it was really warm by then) and I had a small snooze whilst watching some Olympic stuff on the TV. I then headed to the Taringa Rovers game at about 5.30 pm. The reserves had just started the second half and when I checked the scoreboard I thought they were 2 - 0 doon. I was listening to the banter on the balcony (bottle of Stella in hand) and thought ‘they’re a bit smart arsed for getting beat 2 - 0’. However after 15 minutes I realised my fading eyesight was the problem because they were actually winning 4 - 2! Silly auld b***ard. Anyway the game was pretty even with them exchanging goals about 30 minutes into the second half. The referee then decided to get a bit shirty about bad language (spoke to captains) and sent two Brisbane Olympic (name relates to their Greek connection) guys off late in the second half. They then exchanged another goal each to make the final score 6 - 4. Yep, finally met a team with a defence as shite as Taringa reserves! The first team came on and their game was pretty even with it being 0 - 0 at half time. Taringa stepped it up in the second half and scored a goal in about 15 minutes. They then confirmed their superiority with two goals in a minute late on to make the final score 3 - 0. So I think they have three more games to go and are up about mid table so nothing to play for or worry about. Arrived home whenever reasonably beered up and went straight to bed (so nae Hearts/Star catch ups happened). However, not to worry, it ended up being my utopia fitba weekend; Hearts and the Star winning and Hibs getting beat!

On Sunday 10 August, as predicted, we just had a day of rest. Some modest food shopping because we were off home next weekend, reading the paper and plenty sport on the TV. So it was off to bed early for the last (part) week.

Quite a busy week as you can imagine to make sure I don’t leave any major bits of outstanding work for someone else to finish. Also spent time finalising the details for the new rented hoose so we don’t have too much to do when we return. Wednesday 13 August was a public holiday for the Ekka. Liz took advantage by dragging me to IKEA to get the ‘essentials’ for the new hoose. She controlled herself reasonably well but I made a bit of a bollocks of the pillow purchases. Had a look at their selection and thought generally they were a bit dear. So we decided to buy elsewhere but when we goat roond the corner there were acceptable pillows at a reasonable price. Grabbed four and headed for the checkoot. Loaded the stuff in the car and headed home. At the apartment we did a stock check and Liz’s checking the receipt saying ‘what’s that?’, ‘what’s that?‘ as if ah wis meant ti f***ing ken. Anyway when it came ti the pillows we had three different kinds!? To cut a longer story short other folk must have goat ti these pillows and chucked the dearer pillows in and grabbed the cheaper ones. And of course silly works picks them up without looking! Anyway the deed in done, ahm no taking them back.

The only other thing of note is that the Olympics oan the TV has been a prominent feature of the week. Probably the same with you lot. We broke it up last night by going to the Pig & Whistle for a bite to eat and a few beers but nothing outrageous (nae Alka Seltzer this morning). Tonight we are heading to the Taringa Rovers v Capalaba over 35s game with a 7 pm KO. Why, I hear you say? Well we’re meeting Steve Lawson (ex Alloa) who came over many years ago from Scotland. We met him at Alan Prentice’s leaving doo (to return home) at Everton Park. Steve is on my Ozblog list and told me his mates’ team are playing at Taringa tonight so I said I would meet him and have a few beers and a blether (ah actually think he’s fiert ah chuck him off the balcony!). Anyway, it’ll be a quiet night because of the early start tomorrow.

So we head home on Saturday 16 August with the flight leaving Brisbane at 11.20 am (2.20 am your time) and eventually arrive in Edinburgh on Sunday 17 August at 12.30 pm. We are due to be met by Leigh, Nikki and Mason for a family reunion (or in the case of Mason a family introduction!). Heading doon the Borders first of all for a few days to stay at Leigh & Dale’s but’n’ben (via big cairry oot fi Tescos and a check of the auld hoose). Other definites for the moment are Star v Arniston Wednesday 20 August (many Russells plus friends), me in Glasgow spreading the word to Transport Scotland and Liz meeting up with old work colleagues on Friday 22 August, Hearts v St Mirren for me and Nikki on Saturday 23 August, Liz at auld work’s night out on Friday 29 August and family wedding on Saturday 30 August then return home leaving Edinburgh on Friday 5 September at 11.00 am. We also have one or two other tentative commitments but have plenty of time to meet up with anyone who wants to find out how the other half live or who just wants to get pissed and have a pointless blether for auld times sake. Pointless blethers being a speciality of mine of course!

Philosophers corner: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Yours in preparation

Star Blue

Episode 29

Good morning Nitten! Well plenty ti tell yi this week but first of all because ah’m coming home soon for a bit ah need a man who’s dedicated in the ways of alcoholism, someone who’s slept upside doon behind the telly ti dae me a favour. Dinae get me wrong this lemon Alka Selzer is awe right but it really jist gently massages yir stomach. On a Saturday morning (in particular) ah’m looking for something that grabs yir stomach by the balls and geeze it a gid squeeze. So Gogs, aye you, walk up ya big shite, ah’m looking for a box o Alka Selzer Xcess when ah get home so ah’m looking for you ti dae the business for me. Get yirsel doon ti Tesco and meet me coming of the plane with the real deal, awe right? Gogs, ah’m relying on you so dinae let me doon.

Anyway, meanwhile back at the Ozblog, ah’m sitting in the pateho at about 9 am on Saturday 9 August (12 midnight on Friday/Saturday for you guys) with ma PJs on doing the business. It’s sunny but quite cool which is no surprise because the weather last week wis 22C max, 7 min and forecast next week is 22 max, 7 min. Boring or what? Ah wis oot last night (yep, know what yir saying, oot on a Friday night, ah must have loast the place) and didnae get ti bed until about 4 am this morning. For those of you who are shite at maths, that means ah’ve had 5 hours sleep max. Anyway must press on.

So after we did what we had to do last Saturday 2 August morning we headed off up north to look at a couple of rental properties in the Kallangur/Murrumba Downs area. First one was OK in a nice area but maybe a little too small. We then went to this new estate off Goodfellows Road. They were mainly high set townhouses (upstairs/doonstairs, semi detached for the Scottish contingent) with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (plus extra toilet downstairs) and a built in single garage with automatic door. The caretaker guy was brilliant and showed us around 4 houses. We were joined later by the estate agent guy. Liz fell in love with them (say no more) so we tentatively secured one (but gave a list of 5 in order of preference) for an entry a week after we get back to Brisbane. For those interested, upstairs has all 3 bedrooms. The main one has a walk in wardrobe and nice, big ensuite plus the other 2 are a decent size with their own separate bathroom (great for visitors or returning daughters alike). Downstairs has an all in one kitchen/dining/living area with small outside pateho. Main bedroom also has outside balcony with great view into a wooded area with its own wild Koalas and Kangaroos. Disnae get much better, eh? And for those of you exceptionally interested visit www.realestate.com.au and check rental property no 403416813 for more details, photos etc (but check what happens below first).

We returned via a visit to Peter Graham’s (ex Mayfield/Gorebridge) who we visited for a quick coffee plus the obligatory BBQ sausage pieces. Stopped off at Chermside (biggest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere) where we did our food shopping and got home late afternoon. When I got home decided to make up for my relative alcohol free Friday and opened a bottle of Kronenbourg 1664. So that was the drive to the Taringa game cancelled. However they won 1 - 0 away to Mt Gravatt to more or less keep them in the Brisbane Premier league for next season. Continued with the beer and ended up going up to the Pig & Whistle to complete the evening. Had more than a few and ended up back home at about half 12. Had a few more (on a roll by that time) and Liz phoned a few people. Couldnae actually tell yi who but vaguely remember talking to John Morgan at one stage. Fell asleep watching the sport on TV and listening to the iPod (as yi dae) about 3 to 4 am.

Got up early afternoon so the Roar game was tilted as well! Didnae miss much though because they ended up losing 2 - 1 to Central Coast Mariners in their last pre-season cup game in front of just over 3,000 people. So one point out of a possible nine; what can I say? Craig Moore got sent off which wouldn’t have helped and ‘new’ Mariners keeper Bosnich (remember him?) saved point blank from Charlie Miller with minutes to go. Rest of the day for me was breakfast, shite/shave/shampoo, sport on TV, papers, nice roast dinner and off to bed.

Couple of busy days at work to start the week off then headed to Bribie Island late Wednesday 6 August morning. Left Liz in the hoose ti fend for herself for a couple of days. The place was great plus the weather was even better. The workshop place and the digs were about 2 miles apart so it was a ferry of cars back and forward. The whole thing went well with the team now geared up to take on the world. One or two non-workshop events ti tell yi aboot though. Up early on Thursday morning and onto the beach at about 6.45 am. Sun was just coming up and the sea was lapping on the Moreton Bay shore. So it was shades on and a nice half hour stroll in peace and quiet. Cannae beat it wi a stick. How was your journey to work this week by the way? Yep, thought so! Also was led astray at night and learnt how to fill in a TAB form (their bookies form) over a few beers plus learnt how to play a didgeridoo on Friday. What did you do at work this week by the way? Yep, thought so!

Anyway got home on Friday 8 August (08/08/08) and got some good news that we managed to secure our second choice rental property up at Kallangur plus we can move in as soon as we get back from Scotland. So I have tried to copy a photo of the downstairs area and hope you can open it. Also found out that Hearts reserves put Rangers out the European champions league. Big Clerky e-mailed me ti say that the game was that shite he left the Dean early ti watch the fishing oan Radio 4!

Later we went for a carry out meal before heading to the Royal Exchange Hotel at Toowong (just found out it’s pronounced Tiwong) about 7.30 pm. Got there and it was quite busy, so got a beer and settled down ti watch the rugby league game on the big screen (Manly Sea Eagles v Melbourne Storm (reply of last year’s Grand Final)) and listen to the live rock and roll. New band but they started of playing a Foo Fighters number so they went right into ma gid books! Stayed there until whenever and headed for the P&W to finish the night off. Place was modestly busy and (yi listening Willie Grant) the band was called ‘Salmon’. But the funny thing was they had never been there before!?! Anyway it was a funny night because the band usually jist play away in the background (ken, everybody listening but naebody clapping) but last night the crowd wir up on the stage somersaulting etc. Ah think the singer wis a bit overwhelmed but he pulled through in the end. So had ma fair share of alcohol and headed doon the road. Really should have went ti ma bed but the Olympic opening ceremony was on so stayed up ti watch it. Dinae get me wrong, the Chinese have obviously found oot how ti kid oan the drug testers, but wis that no something else last night? Anyway listened ti a few tunes oan the iPod and had a word wi ma Nitten Star sponsoring buddy, Ian Lamb (one of life’s good guys), oan the phone before going to bed. Almost wis upside doon behind the telly but managed to restrain myself.

Today we plan to go the Ekka at Bowen Hills. Ekka is short for exhibition. The Ekka is a big deal here and is on for over a week. It’s sort of like Blackpool Fun park meets Nitten gala day meets the Royal Highland Show. Been told ah need ti go ti it because it will be bigger in Brisbane that the Olympic Games (and a lot less drugs). I think it’s about $20 to get in (£9) but well worth the money. Taringa are at home to Brisbane Olympic tonight with a 7 pm KO. Will probably go down and watch part of the reserves game (they lost last week surprise, surprise). Probably have a few beers just to see the alcoholic part of the weekend out. New start to the season at home and Hearts go in full of hope (flushed wi the success of the reserves of course) ti the Motherwell game wi a 3 pm KO. If I’m still capable I will set up the internet and take in the game on Hearts TV. Draw for the Star away to Musselburgh in the league cup on Wednesday and Penicuik at home today with a 2.30 pm KO. Another chance for revenge!

Tomorrow (Sunday 10 August) will no doubt be my day of rest. Ken the one, God went oan a bender for 6 days and on the seventh day he had a lie in! Next week is mixed and eventful. First of all on Monday 11 August it is my mum’s (Jessie) and Liz’s mum’s (Jean) birthday so wish them awe the best and gie them a cuddle from us. I continue as acting Director next week but have Wednesday off as a public holiday (called Ekka day, telt yi it wis a big deal!) and Friday 15 August off for last minute stuff before the big off back home on the Saturday. Lots of stuff planned but enough slack to get round everyone at some stage.

Hav’nae thought out the Ozblog situation yet but tempted ti keep it going in some shape or form. Anyway, let’s see what happens.

Philosopher’s corner: Why is abbreviated such a big word?

Yours in pateho

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 28

Back again. It only seems like a week since I sent the last episode. Wait the now it was a week! That’s probably why it feels like a week since the last time, naw? Anyway, the temperature has gradually picked up this week with it being 25C yesterday but it has been bright and sunny all week. So I am sitting in the apartment with my PJs on Saturday 2 August typing this at about 8 am (11 pm Friday night for you guys). Your joking I here you say. Well it’s quite early this morning because of last night’s events and our itinerary today but more of that later. Popped out first to check the weather this morning and it’s bright and sunny again with not too bad a temperature. Going to be a good day.

But let’s get back to last Saturday 26 July before we go any further. No much happened beyond the issue of the Ozblog I am afraid. Had a relapse (of the alcoholic variety). Yep, done what I had to do to survive then collapsed in a heap back in bed. More or less lost a whole day. Nae food shopping, Liz’s lunch/denner, nothing! Got up later and went for a carry oot pizza and sat munching it in front of the TV. Watched the Aussies beating the All Blacks at rugby union in Sydney 34 - 19 (a healthy win against there biggest opponent) and Cadel Evans (Aussie cyclist) blowing the tour di france then back to bed. Found out later that the Roar had drawn 1 - 1 with Wellington Phoenix at Sunshine Coast FC’s park (who play in the Queensland Soccer League (the one above Taringa Rovers)) in front of less than 4,000 fans. This means that with one game to go in the pre-season cup that the Roar are the only team out of four who can’t get into the final. Great start to the season!

Got up on Sunday 27 July mid morning feeling a new man. So it wis shite, shave and shampoo and off for food shopping. Liz was also 21ish today so gave her a wee cuddle (as yi dae). The rest of Sunday was low key as well with me spending quite a bit time on the internet, reading the Sunday papers and watching assorted sports on the TV. So it was off to bed to start a new week afresh at work. However I also got the excellent news that the Star beat Bonnyrigg 7 - 1 in the Andy Kelly trophy. Party time and ah missed it! Also heard that the young Russell family were at the game so at least some of us saw what happened. Of course you’ll all know that Nikki was 21 on Wednesday 30 July so remember and gie her a small cuddle & drink (no necessarily in that order) when you see her next. However it all ended in tears for the Star with a 4 - 2 defeat against Arniston in final at Rosewell. Heard the best team won on the day but not to worry there’s still 20 August to come when we play them again in the League Cup (will be there so get the Strongbow ordered).

Quite busy at work again this week which suits me. We went to see “The X-Files: I want to believe” on Tuesday 29 July night. I would reckon don’t bother going to watch it because it was pretty pish. Rest of week was quiet with the exception of us getting a bit fed up sitting in and heading to the P&W for a small refreshment on the evening of Thursday 31 July (as one does). However one worthy thing of mention this week is about wee Mason. To let you understand there is a partition at work which is half solid and half glass. On the glass bit are photos of babies related to the workforce which has built up over the years. Decided to put the wee man’s photo up and he has instantly been voted the ‘baby of the wall’ honour. Bring a tear ti yir eye!

To make it up to Liz for last week, we met in the CBD for a drink last night (Friday 1 August) before heading for a bite to eat at the “Hogs Breath” restaurant in Petrie Terrace, Brisbane (between Roma Street Railway Station and Suncorp). We had a reasonable meal and as I said before it’s a kind of Beefeater type place. However Liz had decided to get dressed up and wore these shoes that she couldnae walk in. What is it wi women that they wear f***ing shoes that they cannae walk in? I thought the hail pint o shoes wis that yi walked in them or am I missing something? Anyway once we had eaten she couldnae walk so we had ti get a taxi hame so she could change her shoes. I tried to internet but I think that someone must have pulled up Optus’ cable again because ah couldnae make contact wi the www. It was consistent with the computers all being down at Hogs Breath as well, so they were manually working out who sat where, what they ate and drunk and used a calculator to work oot yir bill. Long night ahead for they lassies because it’s a busy wee place especially at the weekend. The bottom line was that we actually ended up just sitting in and I had a few beers before having a early night.

Probably just as well because we are heading off early today to have a look at some rental properties up in the Kallangur area. We are hoping to sign a contract before we head of home with a mid September entry date. We are getting a decent sized place (3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 garage) for $350 a week (£160) so even if the house takes a while longer to sell at home we’ll still have plenty of room for visitors. We will buy some modest furniture etc while waiting for our stuff to be shipped to Brisbane.

We then plan to do our food shopping on the way back home before I head off to see Taringa Rovers away to Mt Gravatt with a 7 pm KO. Probably leave about 5 pm but as ah said before I am taking the car so I will be well in order (maybe). Probably another must win game for them because they are both down the bottom of the league. Tomorrow I am off to see Queensland Roar (even although they have no chance of qualifying for the final) in their last pre-season cup game against Central Coast Mariners at Perry Park in Brisbane (where Brisbane Strikers play. They are in the same league as Sunshine Coast FC who’s pitch they played on last week) with a 3 pm KO. Will take the train (takes 15 minutes) so might have a beer but work on Monday so I will need to be Captain Sensible.

Next week my role as Acting Director continues but we are off to Bribie Island for a middle/senior management away event/workshop. We start at lunch time on Wednesday 6 August (morning left for travelling) to have a 3 day forward planning get together well away from the office. Do what we have to do and finish mid afternoon on Friday 8 August. Ah suppose ah’ll have to visit the beach and some watering holes while I am up there. Ah well, life’s a bitch sometimes. Next weekend Taringa Rovers are at home to Brisbane Olympic on Saturday 9 July with a 7 pm KO so a few beers probably that night. No sure about the Roar because their web site is like the f***ing secret service just now; yi cannae find out much about who they are playing or when which ah thought was one of the most important things you should expect ti find in a fitba team’s web site. Even the game tomorrow, all I know is that you pay at the gate but don’t know how much!

Given that the home coming is closing in I thought I would update you on events. We leave Brisbane on Saturday 16 August arriving at Edinburgh airport at 12.25 pm on Sunday 17 August. We will be staying mainly at our unsold house but also visiting Leigh doon the Borders and my mum in Livingston. We will be visiting Star and Jambos games plus other visits to family and friends. We have already had requests for events and already have some date conflicts. So if you have something positive/organised in mind I suggest running the dates and times by us just now. As an example, we have to fly back home on Friday 5 September, leaving Edinburgh airport at 11.00 am. This is because we can’t get a continuous flight and will have to stay in London overnight before continuing our journey back home to Brisbane on the Saturday. So that weekend is written off for events. Let us know soon about any stuff and we look forward to seeing you all soon.

Fact of the week: More extras were used in the 1981 film Gandhi than in any other movie. So where did awe they folk come fi in the Mummy films? And you’ll be telling me next that the Lord of the Rings film wis made wi wee plastic models!

As a wee freshener I’m changing ‘fact of the week’ to ‘philosopher’s corner’ for a bit. Goat some crackers lined up. Just goanna state the words of wisdom and leave it at that. Up ti you ti work it oot.

Yours in relative sobriety

The (soon to be) Kallangur Two

Episode 27

How’s things people? No really sure why ma body goat me up si early but there yi go. It really should have gave up on me after last night. So maybe that’s why it got me up, just ti piss me off. But more of that later. Goat ti start off with a confession. The weather wis pish last week. There, said it. It occasionally only got up to 15/16C and also rained most of the week. Almost made me feel like ah wis at home and that wisnae in the plans. Anyway today it’s still cool but bright and sunny probably about 12C at the moment as I sit in the pateho with ma jeans on (for four days now as ‘the view’ would say) at about 9 am (up at 7.30 am!) which is 12 midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys. Been up for the Courier Mail and just settling down to a green tea (for detox purposes). Lots to down load so lets get on. Oh, by the way, I’ve decided ti delete anybody of my Ozblog circulation list who has never, ever replied to me or at let me know they are living. Ozbloger’s privilege. And another thing, Mason 3 weeks old attached.

So what happened the rest of Saturday 19 July? Well, went food shopping to Garden City, Mt Gravatt (big shopping centre like Indooroopilly but half way between Taringa and Capalaba) just for a change. Got back home, read the papers and headed to the Taringa Rovers game early about 4 pm. Why? Well needed to tell them that the council won’t let them fill their water tank up from the council’s storm water sewer, it was a cracking day weather wise (by 4 pm is was about 23C) plus didnae have much beer last night so a catch up was on the cards. Nae Liz though, she decided against it which is just as well (as you will see!). Have to say that a lot happened but you will just be getting the edited edition of events (honest).

Arrived when the Metro 1 team were well into the second half. This is a development league with the teams being a mixture of young guys and guys who aren’t good enough to play any higher but like a game football. Had a chat with the Taringa guys and headed straight for the bar and the sunny balcony. Decided to give the Stella a go this week (you should be saying ‘what kind of state is he going to be in by the end of the day?’ at this stage). The Metro 1 team ended up winning 2 -1 and there was some good stuff played plus a load of shouting from the balcony. I went over to speak to a couple of guys at the smoking end of the balcony and stayed there for the rest of the day. That area is right above the goals. The Premier reserves then came on and despite an even start to the game they were 2 - 0 down after 10 minutes! They left this big lumbering guy, who played up front, on his own and he thanked them by sticking two goals away with ease. The rest of the game was even except Taringa kept giving Pine Rivers plenty chances which were saved by their goalie. If you’re the goalie of the reserves the defence is so shite you have to be brilliant or they will get a hammering. Anyway as the second half proceeded we were joined by quite a few Pine Rivers supporters. You see it is not only the smoking area it is the away support area. This is quite important as you will find out. As a tempter there was this tackle by a Pine Rivers player up our end which ended up in a booking. The guy went in with the studs up and caught the Taringa player a beauty. One of the people I was sitting with (there were 3 Taringa guys (including me) and about 15 Pine Rivers guys) pointed out that the rules were that he should have been sent off. Well f*** me, they went ape shit and started to give him abuse, telling him he was a nancy-boy etc. My good friend remained calm and continued to point out the error of their ways. At this point I was well into the Stella and particularly annoyed by one of the guys with a strong Glasgow/Ayrshire accent (say no more!). I stayed out of it but thought to myself: “Party time! Here we go the day!” The game ended up 2 - 0 to Pine Rivers but the die was cast.

The Premier team then took to the pitch with the usual razzmatazz. Found oot aboot the dug by the way. It’s no there any mair because its deid. Seems like a good reason ti me for no turning up any mair. No much o a lucky mascot though! It was a good game with Taringa taking an early lead. Have to point out that this is now after 7 pm and the Stella’s starting to kick in. So when Taringa scored I’m up on my feet giving it big licks. Didnae look for a reaction roond aboot me but I can imagine I was getting daggers. That’s the geme! Pine Rivers equalised just before half time (b***ards!) and ah goat a wee bit back. As part of the lead up to the goal, the goalie got a bad one and ended up getting carried off. During half time a goat another Stella in and was planning how to chuck the weegie ower the balcony (as yi dae) during the second half. Second half started with the reserve goalie taking his place under our balcony and he did he no just used to play for Pine Rivers! He got pelters but took it well. Anyway they went 2 - 1 up, Taringa equalised and then Taringa went 3 - 2 up. So at this stage the Stella’s taken over and I’m giein it ‘can you hear Pine Rivers sing no-o, no-o; can you hear Pine Rivers sing no-o, no-o; can you hear Pine Rivers sing, cannae hear a f***ing thing, no-o o-o-o-o-o’. Also shouting ti the goalie (much ti his delight) that he should change his strip number ti 32 (it wis 22). Anyway the weegie’s giein it nanty with his mates so the war wiz getting closer. So what is the worst thing that could happen? You got it, the b***ards equalised wi the last kick of the ba!! They’re giein it bigger nanty, so ah’ve grabbed the weegie by the chest and the legs and goat him half way ower the balcony wi half the crowd pulling me off him! No really sure what happened next because they all pissed off leaving the Taringa three on their own. Tried ti speak to one or two folk after the game but the teeth were starting to no work so I thought I better head for the hills (you know, ma auld homing pigeon instincts. Sitting next ti yi yin minute, gone the next!). Goat hame and goat handed ma denner (so Liz tells me anyway), had a few mair beers (as one does), watched some sport on TV (ah think) then went ti bed.

Sunday 20 July started quietly with a late mid morning rise. It was a cracking day again so we headed to Redcliffe for a walk along the shore and the pier. Sat and read the Sunday Courier Mail in the sun then returned home for a quiet end to the weekend. Rest of the week been has busy at work in my role as acting Director. I am actually standing in until I go back to Nitten for my holibags, in other words, for the next four weeks (which is nice).

I thought a wee sporting update was on the cards for those of you who are so minded. The A League are currently playing in a pre-season cup and Queensland Roar started off with a 2 - 1 loss away at Sydney FC. They played at a local park in Sydney called Campbelltown Park which must be where one of their lower league teams play. They’re in a league with Wellington Phoenix (New Zealand) and Central Coast Mariners (north of Sydney in New South Wales). The Roar play Wellington Phoenix up the Sunshine Coast somewhere (another local park) on Sunday 27 July with a 2 pm KO then Central Coast Mariners at Perry Park (another local park) in Brisbane on Sunday 3 August. I’ll give the Wellington game a bye but think Perry Park is in central Brisbane so will head for that game. I am assuming the winners of this wee league will play the winners of the league with the other four teams in the final but will find oot for yi.

Also the Aussies beat South Africa 16 - 9 in Perth at rugby union on Saturday 19 July in the tri-nations cup and play the All Blacks in Sydney this weekend (the big test for them). The Brisbane Broncos beat North Queensland Cowboys 32 - 18 away in Townsville at rugby league in a local derby on Friday 18 July and look like they are heading for the play offs. The Brisbane Lions won 113 - 67 against the West Coast Eagles at Aussie nae-rules fitba on Saturday 19 July and also look like they are heading for the play offs. So a fair bit local success going on at the moment at sports any way.

So what did we get up ti on Friday 25 July (last night)? Well I arrived hame early (just before 5 pm) and had a bite to eat before getting changed and heading off about 7.30 pm. Decided to go back into town and try out a popular pub called ‘The Fox’ which is on the south side just past the Cultural Centre. It was busieish and had loud music plus plasma screens wi the Broncos game on. Sounds OK ti me. Watched the bruising game (which they won) and headed back to the P&W about 10.30 pm. It was quite busy and had a shite band on called ‘Red Throat Emperor’. Ah suppose they deserve ti be shite wi a name like that! Anyway had a few mair beers etc before heading hame to watch the tour di france oan the TV. Had a few mair beers whilst watching a 125 km draw (cause that’s all it wis) and listening ti some tunes on the iPod. If Ricky Quinn’s tuned in, I expect ti pick up ‘Russell’s Rock III’ oan ma return. Eventually went ti bed and the rest they say is history.

Rest of weekend? Taringa have nae game this weekend. Save me getting into bother ah suppose! Next week they are away to Mt Gravatt on Saturday 2 August with a 7 pm KO. That’s no too far away so will probably drive doon (and of course stay sober). Liz’s birthday tomorrow so we might be off for a bite to eat tonight/this afternoon after some food shopping. Tomorrow? The world is my lobster!

Fact of the week: Road traffic accounts for 16% of Australia’s greenhouse gases. Does anybody believe any of this pish? How the f*** di they ken? Gets on my tits this stuff!! If the world is gonnae end it will be because some US or Chinese arsehole has pushed the wrong button. Trust me. Get yourself doon here before it’s too late!

Yours in Stella

Balcony Chucker

Episode 26

Well back again for another week. It’s just after 9 am, Saturday 19 July (midnight Friday/Saturday for you) on a fine sunny morning here in Brisbane. I’m sitting in the pateho in my shorts/T shirt having a coffee and a filled roll. It’s probably about 15C just now but it’s to get up to 23C today. Actually been up since 7.30 am taking Maria, Liz’s ex-boss from Newbattle High, and her daughter Jane back to the airport for their flight to Perth (Australia). Going to see her sister I think but some of that stuff later.

So back to last Saturday 12 July, we eventually headed off for some food shopping. Went to the butchers and green grocers at Toowong followed by Woolies in the Inderpilly centre. Rest of the day spent reading the papers and watching the sport on TV plus recuperating from the night before. We headed for the train to Milton station (next to Suncorp stadium) about 5 pm. The KO was at 7 pm but a small refreshment was on the cards before hand. The people we were meeting were going straight to the game because they had not bought their tickets before hand. We went to Caxton Street (behind Suncorp) where they have loads of pubs, restaurants etc. Settled for a beer or two then headed for the game about 6.30 pm. The crowd was quite poor (I think about 13,000) but it was a game football so who cares. Found out where Peter Graham and family were sitting (the crowd we were meeting) and got some beers to start the game. The Brazilians were quite ordinary really but that didn’t stop their small band of fans going nuts for the whole of the game. The Roar were up 2 - 0 at half time and were playing some no bad football but not really being pressed. Agreed to meet up for a beer after the game with the Grahams before ‘getting them in’ for the second half. They pulled one back before Charlie Miller came on with 30 minutes to go. Strip outside shorts (sign of a fat b***ard) and wee skinny Scottish legs came cantering on to the park. He was floating between the forwards and midfield so was looking to pick the ball up in space all the time. Got an early touch and was knocked to the ground and didnae like it (jumped up wi a face like fizz). Same Brazilian got the ball later near Charlie and as he passed it got the full weight of his shoulder through his chest and landed oan his erse (first and only booking of the ‘friendly’ match!). He actually looked really good and will be a player and a half for the Roar this season. He weaved a bit magic in injury time before flicking it to another Roar player who crashed it into the far top corner of the net to make it a 3 - 1 final score. So game over we headed for more refreshment back to Caxton Street. Had a couple before heading home via Dominoes pizza place.

Sunday 13 July stated off gently. Up about 9.30 am for a shite, shave and shampoo (plus scrape the fur off ma tongue!), up to get the Sunday Courier Mail, cooked breakfast and ah was as right as rain. Raring ti go! Anyway spent time reading the paper and catching up on internet stuff before heading to Speare Park, Taringa about 2 pm for the Rovers games. Remember they were playing Brisbane City in a must win game at least for the Premier team. The reserves had started and were 1 - 0 down already. They were absolutely shite the rest of the first half and ended up going in 3 - 0 down. Describing their defense as diabolical would be to insult other diabolical defences throughout the land! So I headed upstairs to the balcony for a few beers to watch the rest of the proceedings. Second half (and I should know this by now) they were a different team pulling back to 3 - 2 with 10 minutes to go. However they lost a late goal to end up 4 - 2 down. Then the main event. The usual build up but nae dug! Nae where to be seen so I assume he’s had enough. The game was a reasonable standard with Taringa being slightly on top but neither team troubling the goalkeepers. The second half opened out a wee bit with Taringa probably having the better of play and chances. However most of their shots ended up trying to knock the balcony folk of their perch! Anyway game looked like heading for a draw or City sneaking a late goal when probably the best move by either team ended up with Taringa scoring well into injury time. A much needed 1 - 0 victory.

However have to tell you I started to feel like I was at hame because of events at the game. Naw, nothing ti dae wi the drink because that happens anywhere! Naw it is because I won the half time raffle and was asked by the committee ti find out how they go about getting their new water tank connected to the storm sewer. Now where has all that happened before? Have to tell you about the raffle prize though. It was donated by the local Italian delicatessen and consisted of a basket stuffed full of pasta and lots a jars of fancy sauces etc. Main reason I told you that because I had to carry it 2 km back to the apartment. I was f***ing knackered when a goat there and could hardly lift ma knife and fork to eat ma denner. However practised by opening a Kronenberg and lifting that ti ma mooth! Probably kindae like an alcoholics warm doon! Anyway sat and watched the sport on the TV before giving up and going to bed.

Monday 14 July was my first extra day off but it started slowly with the usual morning stuff which I won’t bother you with. Went up to Inderpilly centre for a few things but also went to ANZ bank to get formal pre-approval for a mortgage whilst Liz went to change books at the library. Sounds innocent enough but we managed to keep missing each other because I also went to Brisbane City Council offices to check on the connection to the storm water system for Taringa Rovers. Anyway we arrived back home (separately) with Liz in a wee bit of a panic. I think she had been at the place at the shopping centre where they hand in lost kids ti see if I was there! Rest of the day uneventful.

On Tuesday 15 July (my second extra day off) we prepared the digs for Liz’s ex-boss Maria from Newbattle High and her daughter Jane. Picked them up early afternoon from Brisbane airport then headed back home. They dodged away with Liz for the rest of the week whilst I went back to work on Wednesday 16 July. The rest of week for me was busy mainly with meetings at work. To give you an idea of the difference between new work and old work they had a wee wine and nibbles get together on Thursday night as a thank you to staff for preparing briefing stuff for their Estimates Committee 2008-09. Sort of like our budget bill going through Scottish parliament committee stage. All the top guys were their to thank the troops for their endeavours. Never happened back home (miserable b***ards!).

Last night, Friday 18 July, me and Liz headed off for my works social doo at Jojo’s restaurant in Queen Street Mall. There were about 25 of us and we arrived just after 6 pm. Place was great because I thought at first: “25 folk ordering meals, will have to wait f***ing ages and the divvy up at the end will be a nightmare!”. But naw, yi went up and ordered yir ain meal, paid for it and told them what table number you were sitting at. So yi could order yir ain meal at yir ain pace and pay for it yourself. How good is that? Drinks were slightly different though. Yi still bought yir ain, but the service was like the Dean. Ken, loads o folk behind the bar but nae b***ard serving! Anyway got over that and ah suppose it ended up OK because of my drive to the airport this morning, i.e. didnae drink as much as normal. Liz made up for me though because she was on voddies and red wine (ah telt her: “ dinae mix the grape and the grain”. But wid she listen? Naw. Suffering a bit this morning she is because she never made the airport. Anyway left after 11 pm and just missed a bus and a train so jumped in a taxi home.

Rest of the day will be quiet but tonight we (yip, ah think she’s coming) are off to see Taringa at home (again) to Pine Rivers with the Premier team KO at 7 pm so we will be making our way down there later on. No hud Liz at a game so it could be interesting (all will be revealed next week). The rest of the weekend looks like being quiet but you never know. Next week at work will be busy again because I’m back to being Director while he stands in for the Executive Director.

Fact of the week: The average Australian car travels 15,000 km a year. You thinking the same as me? Wonder how far it wid go wi a driver in it? Naw?

Yours in pateho

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 25

Well, how’s things people? Me? If I was any better ah couldnae live wi ma self! I’ve got up really early to start this week’s words of wisdom because I was so pissed last night that I got my laptop into a standstill by pressing the wrong button(s) (but no kennin what ones it wis!). But more of that later. So it’s 7 am, Saturday 12 July (10 pm, Friday 11 July for you guys) and I’m sitting inside with my wee laptop once more sprung into life (thank f***, I thought I had terminated it’s life last night!). It’s been rather cool this week. At night it’s been down to 6/7C and a wee bit breezy so I’ve been going to work with my suit jacket on. During the day it’s been as low as 17C max. Apparently they have a week like this every year so I suppose one week out of 52 ain’t bad (as Meatloaf would say). I’m going to check outside just now for an update (via a lemon Alka Selzer). Yep, nae different, cool, sunny morning again; as ah said, ah suppose it could be worse. In case yi want an update wi the UPs dinae bother because I’ve nane oan at the moment. Jist try no ti think aboot it! Got a few things ti tell yi today from the mundane to the thought provoking so better move on.

Well as planned we made our way up to the mega shopping centre at Chermside. It was pissing of rain, so that plus school mid-term had added together to drive everybody indoors or so it seemed. The place was bursting at the seams. Before we went too far we had a break at the massive eating place (cannae dive right into these things). Liz had her favourite seafood pizza whilst I had a coffee and read the café’s papers. We then had a wonder around before ending up at their Woolies for food shopping. Then headed home and really didn’t do too much more that day (Liz with cold and me still a bit dodgy from Friday night oot). Watched some of the Wallabies v France on the TV and glad I didn’t spend any money going to it. It was a developing Aussie team versus a French team over on holiday. Ended up 40 - 10 for the Australians (at a canter).

Up early on Sunday 6 July so it was shite, shave and shampoo before heading for the half rainforest Sunday Courier Mail. Nice breakfast for two followed by internet stuff. Mainly doing my e-tax return at the moment (their financial year ends on 30 June). Ah’ll tell you this boy, their tax stuff is so f***ing complicated it is not real! They work on the basis of taking too much off you during the year and you have to claim it back at the end of the year. Kindae like a bank savings account but wi nae interest! Nae hunting folk doon for tax like back hame. You’ve got to be on your toes to maximise what they give you back. Anyway I’m on the case. After that we headed for the 12th annual tartan day at the Southbank. A bit average really. A few stalls selling tartan stuff, a load of pipers and some singers and dancers plus a fair sized crowd. Looked a bit like the Braemar games without the games. Didnae dwell too long because, to be quite honest, it is not the kind of thing I would have went to at home. After a bit visited the rest of Southbank and spotted a guy with a Celtic strip on having fish and chips (but he wisnae dae’n any dancing for some reason). Then back to the Queen Street Mall before catching the bus home. Nice relaxing rest of day (read papers plus sport on TV) then early bedded.

Second and last week as acting Director. This week he was on holiday, last week he was standing in for the General Manager. It has been quite hectic so I will be glad of the lie doon next week. Of course I get paid so much that the wages difference between me and him is not too much (no for 2 weeks anyway). We also made our way to the pictures on Tuesday to watch “Kung Foo Panda” with Jack Black as Po the Panda. It was quite good actually so if you like the Pixar type of films get yourself to watch it.

So what happened last night (Friday 11 July)? All started peacefully, sneaked off at 4 pm quite pleased wi ma power of work ah hud done during the week and headed for an early weekend start (as one does every now and again). Decided to dispense with the cooking so Liz had a well earned night off. Went to the local Indian for me and Red Rooster for Liz. Funny thing is, Red Rooster sell fish and chips. Yeh ah know, cannae work it out ma self! Had a couple of Kronenbourg 1664’s wi ma curry so that wis it started! Anyway eventually headed off for the RE in Toowong about 7.30 pm. Sat ootside as usual and watched the Sydney Roosters playing the Gold Coast Titans at rugby league (almost a mini state of origin game) and GCT won 32 - 28 (just like state of origin) so the natives were quite pleased. Band was guitarist plus bongo wumin but they sounded OK funnily enough (naw, nothing to dae wi the drink yet). Had a few foaming ales then, flushed with ma hard week’s work, started oan the Bundy and cokes. (At this stage yi should be saying ti yirself: “Don’t f***ing tell mi. Where’s it all going ti end?”.) Anyway it was getting quite cool so we headed off to the Pig & Whistle in Indooroopilly for an early start ti the end of the night. Band was OK but nae name on the board (fish of the day must have been off). Continued on the Bundy & cokes rotating between draught and oot the bottle. Dinnae worry if yi dinae understand that bit ah’ll show yi when yi come over. Suffice ti say ah wis a bit weavy goan doon the road at the end of the night. Goat in the apartment and decide ti pit a DVD oan. Nae point in asking why because ah dinae f***ing ken! Anyway goat ma laptop intae a standstill, so never watched any DVD but ah suppose that wis a good thing (apart from the fact that it jist aboot goat chucked oot the f***ing windae at one stage!) So went to bed concerned after its welfare (probably why ah goat up si early).

Rest of weekend? Well it’s the Roar tonight with their first friendly against the Brazilian side Palmeiras with a 7 pm KO. It’s a big anti-racism event with the gates open at 5 pm for all that stuff. We are meeting friends for (possibly) a bite to eat and (definitely) a few beers before the game. Got to savour the build up. Just to remind you we have got platinum tickets for £11.50 with free public transport thrown in. Sunday 13 July I’m off to the Taringa Rovers v Brisbane City game with a 4 pm KO (reserves at 1.45 pm). Their game against North Pine last Saturday was abandoned because of rain (when it rains here it usually disnae f*** aboot) when they were getting beat 2 - 0. So they live to fight another day. Brisbane City are doon beside them at the bottom of the league so it is another must win game. Will wait to see how I fair on Saturday before deciding whether to partake of a few foaming ales. However I am on ADO (accrued days off) on Monday 14 & Tuesday 15 July so there is plenty of scope for decent recovery time. Liz’s ex-boss Maria Halliday from Newbattle High and her daughter are currently over here (in Sydney at the moment) and are coming to stay at our humble abode from Tuesday to Saturday 19 July (space left by one Nikki Russell). So as you can imagine Liz is looking forward to a blether and a chance to catch up on the latest stuff from home. Because I am off on Tuesday, we can drive to the airport and pick them up. Rest of week at work will be busy because I have stacked meetings into the last three days of the week. Ah well, better being busy than sitting scratching yir erse!

Thought I would chuck in a wee theme this week. Just to enable you to compare and contrast life down-under with you guys I thought I would just list some of the stuff that has been in the press recently. So here they are, see what you think (in no real order):

Price of oil (petrol)/interest rates/slowing of housing market/big dip in consumer confidence.

Getting hyper about climate change.

Bullying at school.

Guy saving his mates from drowning in the sea by keeping his finger in a hole in an Esky (beer chiller) for 15 hours which kept them afloat.

Kids still in nappies when starting school.

Aussie team getting ready for Olympic games (and the smog/green algae in Beijing).

(A podgy looking) Charlie Miller signing for the Roar.

Pope coming to Sydney in mid-July.

Racism in sport.

Aussie soldier (they call them diggers) killed in Afghanistan.

Pamela Anderson enters Aussie Big Brother house.

Fact of the week: Only 42% of the London Underground is under ground. So ah suppose it should really be called the London no as much as you wid think Underground, naw?

By the way, in case yir wondering, the wee man’s daein great. And, in case yi wornie wondering, he’s still daein great! Up to 7 lb 12 oz a few days ago.

Yours in slightly better shape then when ah started

I T Expert

Episode 24

Have to start off by telling you (if you haven’t heard already) that we became grandparents last Sunday 29 June 2008. Yes, bang on the predicted day, Leigh had a son, 7 lb 1 oz called Mason at 7.25 am. Mother, son and grandparents doing well. Photo attached to admire. Leigh will probably thank you herself but she has been totally overwhelmed by the amount of presents and stuff she has been given for the wee man. So a big thanks from me as well.

It’s Saturday 5 July as I slave over a hot laptop. Started this edition at about 9 am (midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys) in the apartment with my PJs on. Nae reason really apart from the fact we wetted the bairns heid big time last night and I’m just waiting for the Alka Seltzer to stop fizzing on my right hand side. No been up for the paper yet but it looks a bit cloudy outside (shock horror!) but will check the weather shortly. Someone has pointed out that the only thing I miss in my Ozblogs is mentioning the colour of ma underwear. So for the record is a kindae greyie/black. Sorry about that omission. As I said I’m up before I should be because I had my next 3 months quota of alcohol last night so I won’t be able to have a drink when I come home in August (aye, that’ll be right!!). Enough of this pish, let’s get started.

Last Saturday 28 June we headed off for the local IGA for food shopping. It was a bit disappointing because it was not too big and therefore didn’t really have a good selection of food. We actually ended up shopping at about 3 or 4 shops. But we are undaunted and know there are bigger IGAs in Brisbane so will track one done another day.

Spent the rest of the afternoon reading the paper and watching sport on the TV before heading to the Taringa Rovers games at about 5 pm. When I got there the reserves were into their first half and it was 0 - 0. But Michelton had this wee, young, nippy guy who played wide right and was giving the fragile Taringa defence lots of problems. Suffice to say that Michelton ended up 2 - 0 at half time. I should really know what was going to happen but I was thinking at half time that Taringa were going to get blown away. However the second half was totally different. Taringa took control and started to run the game. Second half was good for me because I was up on the balcony having a few beers and players from lesser Taringa teams plus some of the cricket guys were also having a beer or two. Suffice to say some abuse was going Michelton’s way, as they defended under our balcony, so I joined in (as one does). Taringa ended up drawing 2 - 2 which seems to be a common score around these parts.

The main event then started up. Warms up, music plus parade onto park as explained last week. However nae dug! He obviously had had enough last week because he was up on the balcony beside me chewing a bone but still with wee blue coat on. Clearly couldnae be arsed getting booted again this week. As I hinted Michelton are the worst team in the league because they are isolated at the bottom. Apparently all their good players that got them up to the Premier league had been stolen by the ones with the money (now, where has that happened before?). They were therefore a bunch of very young blokes. However I also found out that Taringa (despite having 30+ players signed) were struggling to field a team. Crowd were a bit more subdued with Michelton being the better side. They ended up winning 2 - 1 despite Taringa’s pressure at the end (too little, too late). They are away this weekend to North Pine and must start winning or end up getting relegated with Michelton. Headed home after the game, grabbed a bite to eat and off to bed (getting auld).

Up earlyish on Sunday 29 June. After purchase of Courier Mail (Sunday’s edition is only half a rainforest) and breakfast we headed off up the road. We went to Bribie Island first (which is north of Redcliffe) and had a 3 to 4 km walk along the beach with the sea washing up on our ankles. It was sunny and about 23C. No bad for a winters day! Photo of Liz in sea attached. We then had coffee/drink and headed to the fresh seafood shop in Scarborough. Liz ended up with fresh mussels and prawns. Stopped briefly in Redcliffe and sat reading paper looking out to sea. Headed home and put said seafood in pot with white wine, shallots, garlic and cream then scoffed the lot. Lazy end to the day then to bed in readiness for the big week ahead.

Good win for Spain (at last) in Euro 2008. They were the better side on the day and deserved their win. Read that Lehman (ex Arsenal goalie) blamed their defeat on the referee no liking Germans. What a f***ing plonker; does he no realise that naebody likes Germans, so why narrow it doon? This week at work was a bit hectic with acting Director role a bit more involved compared to last time. Probably due to loads of work + greater knowledge by me = more people sending stuff my way. Nae movies this week but maybe next week. State of Origin III was a cracker! Remember Queensland were away to New South Wales with the score 1 - 1 so all to play for. The game was brutal with bodies flying everywhere. Two huge fights with the referee only telling the captains ti no let it happen again! Anyway it was a nail biter right to the end with Queensland winning 16 - 10 (yahoo). So that makes it Queensland winning the last three series. So they get ti keep them and pit them oan the mantelpiece (as one does).

Then last night, Friday 4 July (start of trades for some folk) I was home reasonably early (about 5 pm). Took things easy to start with by going across to the local wok place for a noodle cairry oot to save Liz’s cooking skills for another day (by the way she’s got a cold again so it wiz f*** all to do with Newbattle High when we were at home). Phoned Leigh to check on young Mason and then headed for the RE in Toowong (disnae make a wight). It was really quiet last night so we sat with our drink watching the Gold Coast playing rugby league on the big screen. The band was average (drummer and guitarist) so nae real rock and roll like a wiz hoping for! Anyway sat for quite a bit then headed off to the P&W to end the night (as one does). I suppose it’s become our Star’s Club to start with then finish off at the Dean Friday night stint. The P&W wasn’t that much busier (maybe due to it being school mid-term here) but we consoled our self with the alcohol. Got my first drink and was confronted with the ‘where you fi?’ question. Turns out the guy was from Balloch and was over here working in banking (the real story is much more complicated than that but I cannae be arsed telling yi). So we had a blether about home, football etc whilst his big baldy English pal got into bother in the toilets with two young Aussies (the real story is much more complicated than that but I cannae be arsed telling yi). How come no matter where yi go it’s always these c***ts that get into bother? Anyway had a big drop voddie then weaved our merry way home. Vaguely remember watching ‘Paycheck’ DVD on the laptop before giving up the ghost.

No really sure what’s happening for the rest of the weekend but think we are going up to Viewfield Chermside today (halfway between here and Petrie (biggest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere)) for a look around and some food shopping. We have decided to give Wallabies v France a by tonight because the Roar are on next Saturday (dinae want to get too much of a good thing). Next week will be my second week as acting Director but I am expecting it to be a lot quieter than last week. Taringa are at home next Sunday 13 July against Brisbane City with a 4 pm KO so I will make my way down there to check the latest. [As a footnote I’ve been up for the Courier Mail (and it’s pissing of rain) and found out that tomorrow is Brisbane’s 12th Tartan Day celebrations at the Southbank so we’ll need to get ourselves doon there for a shifty. Says something about Celtic dancing so no sure what that’s aboot unless it's something ti dae wi them winning the league.]

Fact of the week: No more than three Friday the 13ths can occur in a single year. Well, how much bad luck can you handle?

Yours in a drunken stupor

What’s his name

Episode 23

Back again. Looking at ma notes and got a wee feeling yi might need a lie doon halfway through this week’s effort. So dinae dae yirself in trying ti read it in a oner. Make yirself a cup o tea or have a beer half way through it then come back and finish it. Anyway up really early this morning which can’t be right because I drank my monthly alcohol quota last night; could have sworn I was drinking with Big Gogs! However more of that later. So sitting oot in the pateho (have yi asked auld Barbara Morgan aboot that yet?) at 9 am on Saturday 28 June (midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys). It’s aboot 15C and just been up to drag my Courier Mail doon the road. Goat ma jeans and t-shirt oan this morning (cannae be too careful at ma age!). Anyway lots to tell you so I had better get aon with it.

Well last Saturday 21 June ended up quite a quiet day. Basically spent a bit time on the internet, went food shopping, read the Courier Mail (rainforest edition) and watched loads of sport on the TV. Had a few Stellas whilst watching the sport at night and went to bed after watching the French F1 qualifiers. Sunday too started off quiet with reading of papers and internet being the main events.

However headed off for the Taringa Rovers game at about 3.45 pm. Decided to take the car and go tea-total (reformed character or what?). Arrived just after the reserves had played and found out they had lost 3 - 2. ‘Ran out of legs’ was the reason given but given my previous comments about them their crap defence probably had a hand in it. To remember they were playing Brisbane Strikers who are second in the league. However before the bit about the game the warm up is a bit of a ritual. Both teams come out during the second half of the reserve games for a warm up on an area set aside (for warm ups funnily enough).. They then move onto the main park to finish their warm up before the game starts. The visitors take the pitch first just before the KO and then the build up starts. The tanoys start playing ‘Fanfare to the Common Man’ then as that picks up the mascot and minder (collie dug with wee blue coat plus young lassie) make their way on the park followed by the proud first team. However this week it went a wee bit wrong. The lassie and the dug chucked a left and ran in front of the captain who (wait for it!) kicked the dug and did a summersault to land on his arse. Dug looked awe right but captain looked a wee bit embarrassed. This is then followed by the teams being announced. Usually quite sharp but this week the announcer made a total bollocks of the teams. Started off by announcing the Strikers team but read out the first few Rovers guys. Realised he had made a mistake, apologised, and started to read out the right away team. However there were so many odd names he couldnae pronounce half of them! He was a total shambles with everyone wondering what the f*** he was